All the RomCom of Qi Xi

You ever read a book and think, "this shit is so bad that I have to share it with the world"?

Below, is a c/p of a sex scene in a book called Bareback Mountain by Frank Sol. It is, hands down, the worst sex scene I have ever read. I laughed so hard I started choking. I scared my dogs as my laughter echoed off the walls of my room.

( armpit licking, man-juice, gobbling, uncut prime piece of meat and when no means yes, all for the opportunity to slurp everything out of a fleshy tube )

I'm suddenly feeling a lot better about my own writing...

ETA:

"Poke, poke, poke," Clint said. "Oh, I just love poking things. Poke, poke, poke, WHAM!" and Clint shoved his hard dick up Jesse's ass.

DYING

My team won gold! SWEET!

Title: Tombstone, the Town Too Tough To Die
Author: wook77
Team: Snitch!
Genre(s): EWE
Prompt(s): Hunger or Alchemy, Go West
Rating PG-13
Warnings/Kinks:
Word Count: ~2790
Summary: Some of the things you find in Tombstone – copper, cowboys, rattlesnakes, sunshine, wooden sidewalks, gunfights, and one Severus Snape (the man too tough to die).
Author Notes/Disclaimers/Betas May thanks to djin7 for encouraging this and hosting the snarry_games. Also, many thanks to raewhit for beta'ing my work. Obviously, all mistakes are my own. I appreciate the opportunity to participate! I must admit that this was partially inspired by anathema91's recent visit with me to Tombstone. She now has Snarry Cooties on her.

( Tombstone, the Town Too Tough to Die )

I've been collecting links to share for like 3 weeks now so here goes:

The List of Fail:

Dear Orlando -

You win! You're the fail of the post! FAIL that words cannot describe. In what world does it make sense to criminalize people feeding other people. Oh wait, but if we criminalize feeding the homeless, they'll go away. Yeah, cause it worked so well in the 80s. In conclusion, triple fail.

No love, me

Army Colonel Cheats on Wife, Fakes Paternity Test Oh fuck off, you twunt. Suck it up, accept responsibility and move the fuck on. Also - if you were any sort of smart, you wouldn't be in Carlisle, Pennsylvania. (Disclaimer: I was born there. I'm smart, I left.)

Truth behind puppies at pet stores (Video by the Humane Society of the United States). Then again, who really needs to see the parents of the animal anyway? Also - I've had this discussion before, please note the large amount of Amish people at these things (and using microphones!). The Amish are some of the worst offenders when it comes to puppy mills. Oh but that puppy's so cute, I must have it! MY puppy doesn't come from a puppy mill, it's all the other pet stores that do it.

Way to go, RIAA - With PR like this, who needs album advertising?

Senior citizens who happen to be gay get shunted off with the insane because they're offensive - huh. Assholes. Plenty of stories in the NYT article which I cannot direct link to.

What sort of world do we live in that A bullet-proof hoodie is needed?

And people wonder why I don't like riding in hot air balloons or ferris wheels. Because you can fall out and die.

Larger List of Win:

7 year old climbs into a toy machine. HEEEEE

Instructions on how to create your own ringtones for your cellphones SCORE!

Campaign to have Peter Jackson direct Deathly Hallows He has to be able to do a better job.

This weekend is International Clean Up Weekend!

Mr Potato Head is a drug smuggler. Yes, kids, it's true. I hope he goes to rehab. It's worked well for Britney and Lindsey, after all.

DUUUUDDDDEEEEE, a 21 Foot Long X-Wing Model that FLIES. Win all around. In fact, Win of the Post.

The Killers cover Joy Division. At first, I was all, no frikken way. I adore Joy Division and I love the Killers but both? But it's serious win. First runner-up of Win.

Me Wants

Small List of Other:

I have a large list of recommendations but best fic I've read in weeks - Combat Rock which is Remus/Sirius and just brilliantly painful and poignant and so amazingly visceral. I am in love with this story. Go read.

I'm watching two tv shows right now: Moonlight (which always makes me want to say Moonlighting but then it'd be Bruce Willis and I might have to gouge my eyes out). It's alright, I'm more watching for the pretty.

And, best show ever. It's like Mel Brooks meets friends - Big Bang Theory. It's nerdy and funny and awesome. In the second episode, the one nerd comes out of his bedroom wielding a green lightsaber to protect himself. They play world of warcraft and omg, it's just fucking awesome. I laughed so hard, I had pop coming out my nose and I fell off the couch. Check it out if you're even semi-sort of geeky because it's seriously just AWESOME.

( 7 Quirks Meme )

In the past week and a half, I have finished 4 stories and have another 3 to go before I go on vacation (ZOMG TWO WEEKS). smutty_claus, daily_deviant and two lines are all due the beginning of November and I'd rather get them out of the way before vacation and nanowrimo. BTW - if you want to keep up with my nanowrimo writing, you will have to friend tryntje as nothing will be posted publicly.

Right. Back to writing. Anyone wanna distract me? I don't think yodels is around with her giant stick of deadlines to smack me.

I had every intention of writing today. I woke up, did my stuff for the rpg_prophet early just to start writing and then opened up word. But then I thought, "self? you haven't checked fandom wank in awhile... why not just pop over and see if you've missed any wanks..."

Thus, I have spent 4 hours looking at penis tattoos, horse fuckers and crazy assholes.

No really. Remember the horse fucker from awhile back? (Coincidentally... the last time this came up - I was dogsitting for the same frikken people. I'm worried that the next time I come here to dogsit, it's only going to come up again.) Well, there are now Tattoos and, more disgustingly importantly - PHOTOS OF THE HAPPY COUPLE. Um, omg, he and the and then there's the... and JESUS GOD WHY??????

Somehow, fandom wank's post then goes on about penis tattoos... like This GUY. Can you imagine him raising his arm and you just seeing giant penis? Um, yeah, not sexy. This one would make all excitement disappear. Seriously... I couldn't stop making fun of it during sex and then Puff would wilt, wouldn't it? I think I've read a fanfic with this one. This one is just gross.

All links provided by the peeps at fandom wank and are not my own finds.

I, um, yeah. I think it's worse now that I know what horsefucker looks like.

Right, back to notporn and gen. If I can purge these photos from my memory. Anyone have a scalpel handy?

Dear Mother Nature,

Whatever I did to piss you off, I'm completely and totally sorry. I didn't mean it.

Love,
wook

Dear God,

I'm sorry for taking Your name in vain. I'll probably do it again but it doesn't lessen how sorry I am.

In addition, I promise to start going to church more regularly. Or is it that I actually stepped foot into a church on Saturday that you cast this blight down upon Arizona?

A sign for which one caused snow in Arizona and I'll do the opposite. Promise.

Love ya,
wook

Hell Arizona has frozen over. We're one big blanket of snow and ice. Below the cut is a picspam from last night and this morning. It took me two hours to get in to work because asshat morons down here see a snowflake coming down and freak the fuck out. Then, they closed every bridge. Then, the radio announces the bridges are open and yet, I sat staring at one that was CLOSED for half an hour. Thank God for ficlette keeping me sane in the car. I only said 'fuck' about ninety times during our phone call.

Actual conversation from this morning with my neighbor (we'll call him 'bob'):

wook: *scrapes ice off windshield using newly found ice scraper (I used a cd case the last ice we had)
bob: Whatcha doing?
wook: scraping ice off my windshield *thinks err, duh?*
bob: whatcha using?
wook: an ice scraper
bob: I've never seen one of those before
wook: *goggles*
bob: well, I've seen 'em hanging up in Pep Boys but never actually seen one being used. Does it work?
wook: um, yep, like a charm.
bob: wow, I'll have to go get me one.
wook: don't bother, you can borrow mine.
bob: how do I use it?
wook: nevermind, I'll do it for you. *scrapes bob's windshield*
bob: wow, that's handy.

My packrat tendencies have now been redeemed. Everyone LAUGHED when I saved this stupid thing. I boxed it up over 3 years ago and just found it last night. My timing is excellent.

( proof of the apocolypse...so not dial-up friendly )

Dear Arizona:

I moved here not only for the sunshine but for the warm weather. There's a reason that transplants to Arizona are called Snow Birds. We're FLEEING the snow. We left our winter coats in remote far-off possibly snow covered places like Pennsylvania to be able to crow on about how warm we are while the rest of the country freezes under a mantle of white powder (and I'm not talking cocaine).

The fact that I got stuck driving in it yesterday pisses me off and makes me want to sue for false advertising. I don't give a shit that it was rain when it hit the ground. On my windshield, it was still snowflake-shaped.

In conclusion, fuck you, Arizona. Fuck you and your promises of sunny weather and no snow.

No love,
wook

That's right... there were wet drippy and disgusting SNOWFLAKES hitting my windshield yesterday afternoon! GAH!!!!!!!!!!!! *kicks Arizona*

So, since today was supposed to be super cold too, I pulled out a pair of cordoroys I haven't been able to fit into for almost 2 years. I looked at them longingly, almost put them back in the drawer of doom but then decided I should try them on. Not only did I get them closed, they fit comfortably! They're also SIZE 10s!!!!! I haven't fully fit inside of 10s in 2 years!!!! They're also the smallest 10s I own! BWEEEEE!!!!!!!!! Though this makes me kindasorta disappointed in myself for not going to the gym in 2 weeks.

As I haven't squeed over nothing_goldrpg in like 2 days, let me take this opportunity to *squee*. The play has really picked up and it's sooooooo good. If you're looking for a post-war semi-dark RPG to watch, we've loads of plot twists and turns to watch.

( examples and more squeeing and semi-ranting about my favourite rpg evah and then more squeeing )

Thank you to hill_ for the absolutely amazingly beautiful card! I also got awesome cards from coffeejunkii, original_lie and wendy and a CD and card from yodels. The awesomeness of that cd can be summed up in one set of initials - NKOTB.

Also - I fail at being a friend because I totally forgot to squee over the Bushisms and Countdown Calendars from best_of_five and coffeejunkii. Let me now *SQUEE* over how amazingly awesome and funny and wonderful these things are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (you all get the exclamation points of too much caffeine and excitement)

Advent fics? Um, yeah *shifty look* I'm writing but every idea is well over 1k now and not finished so they're delayed.

I'm sitting here at my desk freezing, by the way.

How are all of you?

Random "Hopefully This Only Happens In A Shelter" Story -

I was just up in our Receiving Lobby (where we check in and, err, "receive" animals) and a guy was turning in two beautiful purebred Aussie Shepards.

The one puts his nose up my calf-length skirt so I pull it out and say "not on the first date" cause, err, it makes people laugh and relieves a bit of tension.

Instead of laughing... the guy goes (really seriously), "You might want to reconsider, have you seen his papers?"

Um, ew? I was tempted to say something along the lines of, you haven't seen the list of my squicks for porn exchanges, have you? Bestiality is one of 'em, bub.

But I didn't. Instead, I said, "thanks but he's not my type".

How do I spend my day at work?

( here it goes...during payroll )