Sporking

[wook77]

You ever read a book and think, "this shit is so bad that I have to share it with the world"?

Below, is a c/p of a sex scene in a book called Bareback Mountain by Frank Sol. It is, hands down, the worst sex scene I have ever read. I laughed so hard I started choking. I scared my dogs as my laughter echoed off the walls of my room.

Clint's hand moved down to Jesse's white briefs and tugged them down, along his hips. He ran his hands across the smooth rounded skin of Jesse's ass. "Fucking hot."

Jesse moaned softly. "Oh yeah, I want this ... I've been wanting a piece of you for weeks now."

Clint slowly opened his zipper and pulled out a thick uncut piece of his own prime beef. He knew it was nothing too special, but he'd never heard any complaints.

I take it that his prime beef isn't Grade A? Maybe it's Grade B? Obviously this is no New York Strip cut of prime beef. Maybe it's more a rough cut of TBone.

Jesse wrapped his fingers around Clint's warm hard cock and gave it a few strokes.

Clint moaned.

Then Jesse pulled Clint's jeans and his underwear all the way down to the floor. As the waistband of his boxers moved past his cock, the old cowboy's cock bobbled back up like a buoy in the ocean.

Clint pushed Jesse to his knees. "Suck it, boy," he ordered gruffly.

Jesse took the cowboy's cock in his mouth and sucked on it.

They staggered into Clint's room, still kissing desperately.

Um, how? Isn't Jesse sucking Clint's dick? [BTW: Jesse is 25 and Clint is 39 so "boy"?]

Bobbled back up like a buoy in the ocean? I cannot help it - when I say "bobbled buoy in the ocean", I say it like Paul Rudd in I Love You, Man. Go on, try it. It's HILARIOUS.

Jesse's tongue pressed deeper into Clint's mouth and they both moaned.

Clint went down on Jesse. He grunted and began licking the other man's erect member. His cock had the smell of horses, cows and the range, and he loved it.

His dick smells like cows and grass and that's a good thing?

Jesse pulled Clint to his feet, then pushed him back onto the bed. He climbed into position and buried his own hard dick deep into Clint's mouth even as he ran his tongue over Clint's cock, locking both men into a sixty-nine position.

"You want that up your hot ass?" Clint took his mouth away from Jesse's dick long enough to ask the question but didn't wait for a reply. He sunk his lips over the head again and swallowed the cock down to the back of his throat.

"Oh," Jesse gasped, barely able to talk, "may-maybe another time."

"Ya don't know what you're missing." Clint rolled Jesse over onto his stomach. He raised the other man's buttocks high in the air and while one hand massaged Jesse's dick, the other caressed his back.

Looking back along his body, Jesse saw Clint lower his mouth to the raised cheeks and felt wet lips, then a wetter tongue, probe at his ass. The tongue seemed to find no problem going right inside. It hurt him slightly but the pain went almost instantly, especially when it was replaced by the absolute joy of the hot tongue probing inches into his hole.

Clint wet him up good and worked his tongue around in all directions, opening Jesse wide. Then, he took the mouth away. "I'll be gentle." Clint whispered, as he reached over to the nightstand for a rubber and slipped it on. His thick dick pressed up against the moistened hole.

Jesse felt it press hard and before he could gasp, he was washed with a thunderous clap of discomfort and felt the head pop inside of him.

So "may-maybe" means "fuck me without lube, even though having just your tongue in my ass hurt". Good to know. Also, to make this even better - that thick dick is seven and a half inches long. Clint used to stand in front of his parents' mirror and measure his dick. We know this because we not only were told it, but we were then shown it. Multiple times.

"See, that wasn't so bad." Clint back drew himself back, out to the tip of his dick and Jesse shuddered. Then he shoved it back in.

Jesse was breathing rapidly now, grunting with each inward thrust. Underneath it all, he heard himself moaning. "Yes, yes, yes." Jesse raised his backside higher, pushed back onto the pounding pole. He sat back onto Clint's thighs, as the other man was seated on his haunches behind him. He rested his back against Clint's smooth chest, his head hung over Clint's shoulder. His eyes closed and his head swam in the totality of it all.

The dick climbed and drew back, struck home before withdrawing to its very stub, over and over again. Jesse was certain it was growing in size, beyond what he had he held in his mouth. He could now sense its depth, length, width, every ridge, curve, skin fold and vein. He charted it fully with his senses and came to know it more intimately than he knew his own cock. Amid the strokes, he felt himself being turned.

This entire section. Dude. The pounding pole? I'm now picturing a flag pole pounding up and down and I don't think this is the image the author really wanted. I claim this ass in the name of Canada! [the story is set in Alberta] Christopher Columbus can suck it!

And look - he gets turned on the pounding pole! Huh, now he's a rotisserie chicken? I wonder if you asked a chicken if he wanted to be a rotisserie chicken and what the response would be? Um, may-maybe another time and then the cook would be all *pounding pole up the ass* That's why there are so many rotisserie chickens! The chickens secretly WANT that pounding pole up their asses!

Next moment he was able to wrap his arms around Clint's shoulders and sunk his face into an armpit. He sucked in a breath and enjoyed the flavours in his nostrils as it flooded to his taste buds. Opening his lips, his tongue drove into the hot well, under the muscular arm. He tasted it directly now, washing the jet black hairs he knew were there, licking up and over the smooth chest, along the ridge of tight muscle, forming the upper and lower biceps. Back into the hollow under the arm, he snuggled in and felt the safest he ever had. His fingers moved over Clint's powerful body, feeling the strained muscles as they flexed and relaxed, while performing the most wonderful action in and around his body, Jesse could ever recall. His own thighs hugged Clint's hips.

No. No he didn't. No way. He did not just dig in and go to town on the armpit like it's an uncut piece of prime beef. Oh hell no.

All I can say is that, in my time, I've licked an armpit or two. There is photographic evidence of it but, in my defense, a.) I was drunk, b.) I was licking at alcohol and not the armpit itself, c.) the armpit was shaved and non-sweaty and d.) I WAS DRUNK.

Did I mention I was drunk and there was spilled alcohol in that armpit? Because there was and I was.

But wait! There's more!

The armpit was taken from him and he opened his eyes to find he was now laying on his back. Clint was still lodged inside him, but he was uncoiling his athletic body up and over Jesse.

:( *sadface* I'd be emo if a hairy, sweaty, nastyass male armpit/lollipop was taken from me, too. Oh wait...

Hands took his thighs and they were raised, hooked over Clint's shoulders and his knees pressed into his own chest. Clint dipped his head forward, covering Jesse's mouth with his own and probed inside with his tongue. Their teeth clinked, tongues enwrapped and lips mashed tightly together.

But can he taste his own armpit?

His body watched the speed increase into his back passage. Clint hovered between his raised thighs and pumped, pumped and churned, thrust and drilled into Jesse, faster and faster and faster.

Churned? Are they making butter now? Now I'm picturing Fabio saying "I can't believe it's not butter... spray!"

He tried to raise his ass higher still, to allow deeper and easier access. There was no need. Clint was perfectly aligned and taking him completely, utterly and in a most overpowering manner. Then, he stopped dead.

"If I keep going I'll drop it," Clint whispered right into Jesse's mouth.

Drop what? The butter? The knees? The armpit flavored kisses?

"Don't stop." Jesse reclaimed Clint's lips and kissed him desperately. His hips screwed around underneath, trying to get that cock inside to move once more and remove the itch he was feeling, now that it wasn't fucking into him. He drew his ass away and then plunged back over the dick again. He could only release and recapture an inch or so, but it was enough to give him the sense of being screwed once more.

"You want me to blast your guts?"

Wut. Ok. It can no longer get worse.

"I want to eat your cum, Clint." Jesse begged him.

Wait. It just did. Now it can't get any worse.

"Well then..." With that, Clint resumed his screwing but more slowly. He gave Jesse his entire length once more. In slow motion, he pulled away so only the tip held the door open, then slowly slipped inside until his hairy crotch brushed and tickled Jesse's butt cheeks. Jesse lay still. His hands worked over the flexing arms either side of him, feeling their power. They glided across and over the expanding chest, along the rippling packets of belly muscles and down lower, to toy with the fleeting and advancing tool between his aching thighs. One hand found his own dick now and went to work massaging it, forcing ooze out of the head, which gathered over the entire length, making it slippery and noisy, as he jerked himself.

Wut. Ooze. OOZE. It can't get worse. Right?

Clint slowed his action to watch Jesse. Then, he pulled out, so only the head remained lodged inside Jesse's butt, bent awkwardly and swallowed the head of Jesse's cock. Jesse bent his dick back toward Clint, working on the base of the shaft, while Clint sucked wildly on the acorn and neck.

You know, the next time I see anything relating to that whole ACORN/Pimp saga, I will flashback to this sex scene and I will not be able to control myself. I can see Glenn Beck going on about ACORN and pimps and prostitution and I will picture this acorn instead of the community activists they all fucked over. This will make me actually enjoy three words out of Glenn Beck and Bill O'Reilly's mouths. For that alone, I sort of hate Frank Sol.

When he felt Jesse swell a little inside his mouth and more pre-cum seeped onto his rapidly labouring tongue, he commenced to stab his own cock end in and out, quickly, pumping the
flexing ring. Now both cocks were having their heads worked on swiftly.

Clint knew he could blow at any moment, as well as knowing Jesse would give into his own needs soon. He lifted his mouth off the dick and drew himself free of Jesse's ass, then quickly spun around on the bed, settling his knees in, beside Jesse's head.

Guess the chicken's done. Time for the sauce!

He threw the soiled condom onto the floor and lowered his throbbing dick toward Jesse's waiting lips, which opened without any hesitation. His tongue lapped at the flaring head. "Taste that, farm boy."

Taste. That. Farm. Boy.

Jesse licked away at it and finally gobbled the head completely inside, sucking feverishly, extracting more ooze out of the open eye.

I thought Jesse was supposed to be a chicken. Guess he's a rotisserie turkey what with the gobbling. And, as Thanksgivings are all around the corner, you're welcome! Enjoy that mental image at dinner with your family!

Also - free piece of advice to every single aspiring author out there - ooze is never a sexy word. NEVER.

Clint watched this with interest and once he saw how lost Jesse was to the moment, he turned his attentions to the quivering cock rising up before his own eyes. Their mouths sucked urgently, as each sensed that the other could fulfill all wishes at any moment. Clint heard Jesse groan, muffled with his mouth filled, while the dick in his mouth jerked and was pushed deeper by thrusting hips. Clint let his own control relax, rocking his dick back and forth over the tongue and teeth, devouring him. His thighs spread and his hips sunk, driving him deeper into the mouth. Then he let it flow. Clint had hardly begun to burst when Jesse lost his control as well.

Nice of Clint to ensure that Jesse was busy sucking Clint's dick before Clint started sucking Jesse's.

And, yanno, I don't have a dick but, from those that do, I've heard that not many people find teeth on the dick to be sexy, especially with the words "devouring him" right after. Sort of makes it sound like it's really a prime cut of beef rather than, yanno, a dick. Mmmm, steak!

Maybe it was the final signal for him. Maybe things were simply very well timed, planned slightly but fated perfectly.

AKA - Oh. Right. Women might be reading this. Time to make it sound more romantic and less like one of the worst sex scenes ever.

The lads pumped their spunk into the mouths of the other. Both swallowed because the volume was threatening to be too much. Both went stiff, holding all muscles in a locked position. Both made crude slurping, grunting sounds, as they expelled and received the hot man-juice into their mouths.

Good thing that they weren't pumping woman-juice into one another's mouths. They'd need to get that checked out.

And when the shots died down to dribbling surges, both took the other's dick in their mouth in a firm hand grip and squeezed whatever life's fluid remained, out from the fleshy
tube.

Fleshy. Tube.

Fleshy tube that squirts oozing man-juice.

Glad to know that this guy can really keep up the raunchy awful sex scene language. He ends it on such a fantastically awful note, too.

I'm suddenly feeling a lot better about my own writing...

ETA:

"Poke, poke, poke," Clint said. "Oh, I just love poking things. Poke, poke, poke, WHAM!" and Clint shoved his hard dick up Jesse's ass.

DYING

Comments

[shygryf.livejournal.com]

wow. that did indeed cheer me up about my own writing.

[wook77.livejournal.com]

Inorite? The sad bit is that these sorts of scenes are throughout this book. There is one scene where the one dude is fucking his boyhood love and he actually HOWLS "I'm cumming. I'm cumming!"

HOWLS

[shygryf.livejournal.com]

it soothes me to know that no matter how badly I do in rwhg_ladws, none of my porn will ever come close to being this bad.

[dizilla.livejournal.com]

Eww, just ew omg ew. I have a new squick and it's whatever THIS was. WOW. Someone got paid for that?

*goes looking for bleach*


LOL, thanks for sharing, good to know how wrong I've been writing sex scenes hahahah.

[wook77.livejournal.com]

Yanno, I thought the phrase "dripping folds" was one of the worst ever. But "ooze" now takes first place.

OOZE



He has multiple books published. see (http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/2052439.Frank_Sol)? UGH. I'm just glad I got this one for free when I bought another book.

[kerryblaze.livejournal.com]

The only thing that would make this funnier is if you recorded a dramatic reading of it.

[wook77.livejournal.com]

OMG I SHOULD OMG OMGOMGOMG I haven't read porn and sporked it on a voicepost in FOREVER

[katmarajade.livejournal.com]

*sporfles* Wow, that was probably the worst sex scene I've ever had the misfortune to read-- thank you for that, Wook! ;-) Painful and cringeworthy and at many points confusing, but also giggle-inducing. I liked your commentary. But you're right-- I'm feeling a lot better about my own writing too!

[wook77.livejournal.com]

LMFAO INORITE

OMG

Srsly. Just. OMG. The whole book is like this. There is one point where the one guy HOWLS! HOWLS "i'm cumming. I'm cumming" and, as elanorofcastile said as I c/ped it to her - "he's alan cumming now?" LOLOLOL ee cummings, you poor poor guy. You never knew what your name really meant, huh?

[maple-mahogany.livejournal.com]

Like a buoy in the ocean!

[wook77.livejournal.com]

A BUOY IN THE OCEAN

I will never look at one of those things the same way ever again.

[true-masquerade.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD!!!

That was to awkwardly, cringe-worthily terrible to do more than skim read :-S

But I really appreciate your suffering in the name of porn (and being able to bring us awesome recs). Really TRULY!!! lol

Also, I do not have an icon that is even vaugely relevant to this discussion... darn!

[wook77.livejournal.com]

LMFAO

You need more icons, obviously :P

But omg, I just eta'd it because there was a CLASSIC AND GOLDEN LINE OMG

[true-masquerade.livejournal.com]

It's true.. It's a sad state of affairs, this lack of TERRIBLE!porn applicable icons.

I've just read the ETA... and seriously? No really... SERIOUSLY?!?!?

[annafugazzi.livejournal.com]

ROFLMAO!!!

OMG, OK, I will never feel trepidation before writing a sex scene again, ever. Just knowing my readers are safe from ooze from fleshy tubes gives me a warm feeling all over.

Lordy. And if the man-juice and sexy hairy pits don't get you, the Kama-Sutra-turned-Twister will. Some of that sounded damnedly uncomfortable.

[wook77.livejournal.com]

Right? As long as you don't spin someone on a pounding pole, all is right in the world.

But omg. The whole book is just this sporkable.

I'm actually half-tempted to buy the sequel just to see if it's equally as bad.

[annafugazzi.livejournal.com]

BTW, would you mind if I linked to this post?

[wook77.livejournal.com]

Sure, go for it. It's so awful that it should be shared with the world :D

[secretsolitaire.livejournal.com]

Nooooo! *covers eyes*

I have read worse, sadly, but not in anything professionally published!

[wook77.livejournal.com]

I'm just glad that I've never a.) written it and b.) paid for it. Thank the maker this was a freebie with another book I bought. This book makes me laugh so hard at all of it.

[reallycorking.livejournal.com]

askdjfkasdfkjh WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Thank you for gifting us with this, omg. My fave part was Clint's ~stub~

[wook77.livejournal.com]

OMG INORITE!?

The whole book is like this. Swear to god. Every time I thought it couldn't get worse, it does. EVERY TIME. I sort of really really really want the sequel now.

[grey-hunter.livejournal.com]

It sounds a bit like an extraterrestrial ooze-being trying to apply what it learnt of English language and Earth culture with the Internet as its only source.

[inspiredlife.livejournal.com]

Damn my infernal curiosity! I knew I shouldn't have clicked that link. That was just...*shakes head* I don't even know.

[cathybites.livejournal.com]

[annafugazzi.livejournal.com]

::shriek::

[elanorofcastile.livejournal.com]

A+++

[dark0feenix.livejournal.com]

Ahahahaha!!!!! OMG! Your commentary made it even more loltastic. But some of the acrobatic stunts they pulled were seriously impressive. Such flexible dudes with their prime meat and fleshy tubes. XD *iz ded*

[best-of-five.livejournal.com]

but were they furies? :D

WHY do you insist on torturing the world with this crap? you need to post "the house" on for these people. it is not fair that only a few of us are in the "CANNOT UNSEE/UNREAD" category :p

[thistlerose.livejournal.com]

Ewww. Where's the brain bleach?

[deas-kids.livejournal.com]

Can't....stop....laughing!!!

Thank you SO much for sharing this....I scared my dogs laughing at your post.

[daddybear716.livejournal.com]

My brain started bleeding from the horror of it all after the 2nd excerpt, so I have not read it all.

Re: the question of "boy" in reference to a 25 year old. In my experience it's a gay men thing where any gay male under the age of 35/40 is referred to as a boy. It can go beyond that as long as the other person is older.

Oh those crazy gay boys! :-)

[enchanted-jae.livejournal.com]

And this is why I seldom read m/m written by MEN.

I think men excel at porn, whereas women excel at erotica.

[nenne.livejournal.com]

This was hilarious! Thanks for sharing.

EEE EEEE EEEEE EEEEEEEEEE

[elanorofcastile.livejournal.com]

DOLPHIN!WHAM DOLPHIN!WHAM DOLPHIN!WHAM

[dmlpacker.livejournal.com]

And there's no way this could be...a parody? I'm hoping so hard that the writer didn't actually think this was good writing O.o

[sugareey.livejournal.com]

LOL. Okay, so I'm actually writing a sex scene now for Glompfest as we speak, and I really don't feel bad about my writing anymore. At all. Just wow.

How was this published? That was pretty bad, I gotta say.

Also, extremely, extremely, belated, but happy belated birthday! I hope it was a good one!

…

[dragonflylover1.livejournal.com]

That's horribel…and I've read some pretty gross sex scenes in my day, but that…I do believe that takes the cake (oozing though it may be). The only thing that kept me reading was your comments—those were gut splitting. The rest was…just…no. Throwing up on the floor NO.