wook77 | What I do when I'm stuck working and drooling over Comic-Con shenanigans

Other people are responding in a much more sane and logical manner to SEE and its crazy ass attempt to mask their quest to get their ship in canon by using the Greater Good of Gay Rights BBs than I ever could. I can't really think of anything other than GTFO. No, really, GTFO.

So instead of ragesplooging, I've decided to respond via crack. I present:

Wook's Totally and Completely Vulcan Logic Proof That Spock/Kirk Will Never Become Canon

It starts with a comparison between the two largest Sci-Fi/Fantasy tv/movie franchises - ~~Buckaroo Bonzai~~ Star Wars and Star Trek. Arguably, both of these have similar themes and morals in them. They both feature a quest of good versus evil, of addressing species dynamic and the subjugation of people and how bad it is. Plus, they both have some badass space ships that defy physics as we currently know them.

Thus, the logical basis of the proof is now established. Therefore, let us move on to the proof and the entire point of this discussion - the characters.

First, we have the farm boy who drives fast things, stares dramatically into sunset(s), has major daddy issues, lives with possibly-abusive father-figures, dreams of going into space and meets ship captains that make it happen. Thus, Jim Kirk=Luke Skywalker. come on, it's totally abusive not to let Luke go into Toshi Station and pick up some "power converters". A young man has needs, after all!

Then, we have the crotchety older man that becomes a sort-of quasi guide to the farm boy. This man is snarky, hot, slick, and, rescues the farm boy multiple times, and bitches about doing the right thing a lot but, eventually, does it all while looking really fucking hot and badass. Thus, Leonard McCoy=Han Solo.

Thirdly, we have the poor soul who loses a planet and has to witness the genocide of their people all because of an evil megalomaniac that has a giant chip on their shoulder and a big fucking machine to ensure that said genocide happens (and did I mention the part where they're held captive by said genocidal and evil megalomaniac?). Thus, Spock=Leia Organa.

Once we look at these three comparisons, you can see that Kirk/Spock cannot happen on the big screen and will be left in fanfiction because Kirk/Spock is extrapolated incest. They might kiss but the kiss will be purely platonic and will only exist to further the only truly acceptable homosexual pairing. That leaves us with Kirk/McCoy for the only viable homosexual pairing.

Also, because I'm full of it tonight and had nothing else to do, I've extrapolated more characters. Brace yourself.

Hot pilot that's got mad skills, can maneuver around obstacles like no one's business, is the unsung hero of the entire movie, saves the fuck out of the farmboy and fucking rocks my socks - Hikaru Sulu=Wedge Antilles

Fantastic with repairing ships, gives it all he's got, is willing to put his life on the line for furthering the plot, likes to handle his ship's "ampelle nacelles" and is really good in a crisis - Montgomery Scott=Chewbacca

Cute alien species that meeps and moans when his person leaves him, is willing to throw tools around and likes to climb things - Keenser=Wicket

Doesn't take shit from anyone, has a badass motherfucking attitude, wears boots with panache, is good with languages and will take you down a peg or four all while coming through in a pinch - Nyota Uhura=Lando Calrissian

He's smarter than anyone else, good with navigating, looks absolutely adorable when he does something right and doesn't get the credit he deserves - Pavel Chekov=Nien Nunb

He's awesome, he gets captured and tortured, he guides our hero to saving the world the first time around, he kicks ass. Thus, Christopher Pike=Jan Dodonna

Anyone else want to offer up a few?