Letters to the Universe
Feb. 15th, 2007 11:31 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wook77Sometimes, I really just want to roll over and go back to bed. Today is one of those days.
Dear Ms. I-just-got-promoted-to-a-bullshit-position-created-just-for-me-and-now-i'm-superior-to-everyone-so-I-have-no-need-to-communicate-to-you-plebes,
If you do not tell me that you closed your bank account and want your direct deposit canceled, I will not cancel your direct deposit. I apologise but my order for a Crystal Ball to be hooked up to my computer was denied by your boss as being too expensive a computer accessory.
In addition, because you couldn't be bothered to communicate this to me until I've distributed paystubs, you aren't getting a check until Monday. You couldn't place a priority on communicating with me, I can't be bothered to place a priority on getting you your money. Perhaps if you would check the 'tude at the door, I might be willing to make an exception to our stated policies. However, you haven't.
Not At All Caring About Your Financial Situation, you stupid twunty bitch,
wook
Dear Suburban or other huge ass SUV Driver,
That miniscule amount of a following distance I had between me and the cute little Chevy Cavalier this morning was not large enough for a Geo Metro let alone your gas-guzzling-far-too-huge-for-your-two-kids ass. The only reason I didn't just let you hit me was due to your children jumping around in the backseat. BTW - have you heard of car seats? You're legally obligated to use them for that size of children. No, really, check the books, it's a law.
Also - just a heads up but I-10 is not the Indy 500. Your fucking huge SUV is not a tiny sports car. Thus - You don't need to whip in and out of traffic because there is no checkered flag. We're all trying to get to about the same place. We're all following the rules of the road, could you please at least TRY to?
Finally, I'm the one that called and reported you for not using car seats, driving erratically and, generally, being a twunt. I cheered when I saw you pulled over by the police and then I did a happy dance in my seat. Thank you for making my morning by showing that there is justice in the world.
Laughing at you not with you,
wook
Dear STUPID PERSON THAT SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO HAVE CHILDREN,
Just because you have children does not mean that you are allowed to block the road with your car while trying to make a left turn into the elementary school's parking lot. It also does not mean that you can give me the middle finger when I honk at you for blocking my lane when I am going straight ahead in my lane on my side of the road. It also does not give you permission to get out of your car and scream at me that I traumatized your child by honking at you.
YOU were the one that endangered your child by lining her right up for a direct hit by me if I hadn't just had my brakes worked on. YOU were the one blocking MY right of way. YOU are the fucktard here, not me. Just because your child is proof that you put out does not mean that the rules of the road suddenly don't exist because you utilized your uterus. "I have kids" is not a defense and does not make you superior.
I can only hope that the child's father has more care and concern for your child because otherwise? I fear that she won't make it to adulthood.
Debating whether or not to hit you next time,
wook
Dear mum,
Thanks for bringing in the mortgage statement that I forgot like an idiot when it's due today. Thank you for, yet again, bailing my forgetful ass out of trouble. I really appreciate it.
Love,
wook
Dear Universe,
Was it really necessary to have that happen yesterday? Seriously? Thanks for illustrating how fucked I am. Really, I appreciate it. I had an inkling of it but now I know how seriously fucked I am and have been for eight years.
Wanting to move on,
wook
Dear Cisco,
Thank you for behaving all morning. You're being very good and I appreciate it. I'm just sorry that your reward for behaving all day today is a trip to the vets to have that thing removed. Do you think the cheese will make up for it? What about the carrots?
Love you loads,
wook
Dear Ms. I-just-got-promoted-to-a-bullshit-position-created-just-for-me-and-now-i'm-superior-to-everyone-so-I-have-no-need-to-communicate-to-you-plebes,
If you do not tell me that you closed your bank account and want your direct deposit canceled, I will not cancel your direct deposit. I apologise but my order for a Crystal Ball to be hooked up to my computer was denied by your boss as being too expensive a computer accessory.
In addition, because you couldn't be bothered to communicate this to me until I've distributed paystubs, you aren't getting a check until Monday. You couldn't place a priority on communicating with me, I can't be bothered to place a priority on getting you your money. Perhaps if you would check the 'tude at the door, I might be willing to make an exception to our stated policies. However, you haven't.
Not At All Caring About Your Financial Situation
wook
Dear Suburban or other huge ass SUV Driver,
That miniscule amount of a following distance I had between me and the cute little Chevy Cavalier this morning was not large enough for a Geo Metro let alone your gas-guzzling-far-too-huge-for-your-two-kids ass. The only reason I didn't just let you hit me was due to your children jumping around in the backseat. BTW - have you heard of car seats? You're legally obligated to use them for that size of children. No, really, check the books, it's a law.
Also - just a heads up but I-10 is not the Indy 500. Your fucking huge SUV is not a tiny sports car. Thus - You don't need to whip in and out of traffic because there is no checkered flag. We're all trying to get to about the same place. We're all following the rules of the road, could you please at least TRY to?
Finally, I'm the one that called and reported you for not using car seats, driving erratically and, generally, being a twunt. I cheered when I saw you pulled over by the police and then I did a happy dance in my seat. Thank you for making my morning by showing that there is justice in the world.
Laughing at you not with you,
wook
Dear STUPID PERSON THAT SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO HAVE CHILDREN,
Just because you have children does not mean that you are allowed to block the road with your car while trying to make a left turn into the elementary school's parking lot. It also does not mean that you can give me the middle finger when I honk at you for blocking my lane when I am going straight ahead in my lane on my side of the road. It also does not give you permission to get out of your car and scream at me that I traumatized your child by honking at you.
YOU were the one that endangered your child by lining her right up for a direct hit by me if I hadn't just had my brakes worked on. YOU were the one blocking MY right of way. YOU are the fucktard here, not me. Just because your child is proof that you put out does not mean that the rules of the road suddenly don't exist because you utilized your uterus. "I have kids" is not a defense and does not make you superior.
I can only hope that the child's father has more care and concern for your child because otherwise? I fear that she won't make it to adulthood.
Debating whether or not to hit you next time,
wook
Dear mum,
Thanks for bringing in the mortgage statement that I forgot like an idiot when it's due today. Thank you for, yet again, bailing my forgetful ass out of trouble. I really appreciate it.
Love,
wook
Dear Universe,
Was it really necessary to have that happen yesterday? Seriously? Thanks for illustrating how fucked I am. Really, I appreciate it. I had an inkling of it but now I know how seriously fucked I am and have been for eight years.
Wanting to move on,
wook
Dear Cisco,
Thank you for behaving all morning. You're being very good and I appreciate it. I'm just sorry that your reward for behaving all day today is a trip to the vets to have that thing removed. Do you think the cheese will make up for it? What about the carrots?
Love you loads,
wook
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-02-15 07:03 pm (UTC)I want to bake you brownies and read you porn by the firelight.
love,
kaalee
no subject
Date: 2007-02-16 03:56 pm (UTC)I would like that muchly. I have a spot open this weekend.
love,
wook
no subject
Date: 2007-02-16 06:57 pm (UTC)Sunday afternoon work for you? I don't think Dean will be wearing boxers then.
love,
kaalee
no subject
Date: 2007-02-15 07:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-16 03:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-15 07:30 pm (UTC)go you for calling the police on the woman without car seats.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-16 04:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-15 07:46 pm (UTC)Thanks for the links and things you sent me this morning. I think I've told you before that I can always rely on you to cheer me up. Something I can do to return the favor? Case of dc? You name it.
Love from,
me :)
no subject
Date: 2007-02-16 04:03 pm (UTC)You're welcome. I thought of you immediately with them. I know that I can and you always come through. To cheer me up, I think Dean should bottom the first time they have sex. That would cheer me up muchly.
Love,
wook
no subject
Date: 2007-02-15 08:20 pm (UTC)Thank you for creating an awesome w00kie and placing her in my universe. Now, we've already had a talk about messing with her days and I understand you're still working out the kinks.
But more asshattery will involve an unpleasant trip to the Court for you and it won't be pretty.
Yours,
Me
no subject
Date: 2007-02-16 04:04 pm (UTC)Thank you for being so awesome yourself. I appreciate you willing to litigate the universe on my behalf.
Missing our daily conversations,
wook
no subject
Date: 2007-02-16 12:52 am (UTC)You are one of those precious people that can brighten up any day by your amazingly sarcastic and witty letters, that prove you can battle it all when the shit hits the fan. You need to be given excess amounts of porn and chocolate as a reward for putting up with the bootfulls of crap.
Love,
albur
P.S/ The word twunty is now a favourite of mine.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-16 04:07 pm (UTC)Thank you muchly. If I hadn't written these letters, I would've grabbed the nearest sharp object and started slashing tires. I did go home and have cupcakes and ice cream and that made everything better. Plus, my mummy took me to lunch and then bought pizza last night. She even let me have bacon and pineapple on it which is my favorite and not her cuppa.
Love,
wook
PS - a friend of mine,
PPS - when is
no subject
Date: 2007-02-16 06:30 pm (UTC)I've posted on my journal as a reminder to everyone, but, I'll be posting/begging for more editors on Monday 26th. I was hoping to have the editor lists fully booked up by then, but either way, I'm thinking of starting March 1st. If we don't have the extra editors, I'll cover the remaining days until we do. XD