Fic: Innocence Lost (Remus/Sirius)
Jul. 15th, 2008 01:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wook77My entry for the ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
rs_games Round I. No one guessed my fic. I'd be upset but, honestly, I set up a few things in the story so I would be less recognizable. I have thinky thoughts about this fic if anyone is interested.
Title: Innocence Lost
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
wook77
Team: Post-Hogwarts
Rating: Hard R
Warnings: Canon compliant through HBP (does not take DH-canon dates into account, thus partially AU)
Wordcount: ~6000
Summary: There are no whole truths: all truths are half-truths. It is trying to treat them as whole truths that plays the devil.
Prompt: "It's not lying if they make you lie. If the only truth they can accept is their own."
Genre(s): Angst, AU
Author's Notes: All section headings are lyrics from "Kiss Off" by The Violent Femmes and are not mine. Summary is from a quotation by Alfred North Whitehead. Many thanks to my betas,nefernat and elanorofcastile. Many thanks to my cheerleaders and plotpickers including my teammates and especially thescarletwoman and gryffindor_j. I posted a very rough draft of this and got such amazing feedback from them that they fixed my issues with the story.
It's one more day, one more job, and one more long drawn-out moment where Sirius can't see up, down, or sideways. The fact that Sirius hates times like these isn't important when faced with the long-term consequences. A bit of hardship for him, or death for James and Lily. Somehow, he can't be selfish right now. For anyone else – even Peter, Dumbledore or any of the rest of the Order, no matter how near and dear they are – he'd be selfish, weigh his own suffering against theirs. But for James, Lily, Harry and Remus, Sirius can't be that selfish.
He knows that everyone thinks him a selfish prig. He is. He knows it, they know it; it isn't worth lying over. What's worth lying over is that he's also a selfless prig for the very few that he loves more than himself. There are only four names on that list though his heart's whispering that there should be five, that there are five on the list but Regulus chose his own path long ago. A path that not only diverged from Sirius's, it jumped up a cliff, took the rope with it and tossed a two-fingered salute while laughing maniacally the entire time.
Their paths are about to converge once more, though, as Sirius lurks in the shadows behind a haphazard stack of crates in the back of a smelly, stinking, disgusting alleyway while waiting to see if Regulus and his Death Eater friends show up to start torturing Emmeline Vance's Muggle family.
Sirius hates Muggle London. He hates the way it smells all the time, the way the air is coloured and the way the Muggles are so absolutely clueless and bigoted. In a way, they remind him of the Pureblood mania his own family suffers from. Only instead of worrying about blood, they worry about skin colour and sexual orientation and income levels and where a body's from and… and so many other things that mean nothing when it comes down to judging a person. He's ashamed to admit that there are times that he wonders if, perhaps, the Death Eaters didn't have the right idea.
But then he looks at Evans, Potter, he mentally corrects himself, and he realises his family and the rest of the Pureblood idiots are completely barmy. If all the Muggles were like Lily's sister, perhaps he would be on a different side but they're not, not in the least. Besides, Remus is half-Muggle so right there, it means that he's had to pick this side. Whether or not he doubts the validity of the path or the side, there was never a doubt in his mind that he'd be following them along it.
Leaving all these thoughts behind, he crouches even further behind the crates as the crack of Apparition echoes, reflecting back and forth against the brick walls. The Disillusionment charm and the silencing charms and all the other various charms wouldn't help him if someone him so he carefully checks to make sure that his shadow is still merged with that of the crates.
"… flat's on the fifth floor," a voice snarls. If Sirius is right – and he's always had a talent for voices so he doesn't doubt himself – McNair is the one discussing the location of the Vance flat.
"You first." Sirius hears Regulus speak and he wonders, yet again, just how they'd diverged the way they did. Regulus is the only one of Sirius's family – other than Andromeda –Sirius has ever cared for. Narcissa is so weak and insipid while Bellatrix is too insane. His parents are his, well, parents and his aunts, uncles and cousins are all the same; all too fixated on the quality of blood and not on the quality of person.
As the backdoor to the building opens, Sirius waits in his crouch until it shuts. Cautiously tapping his wand three times against the coin held warm in his hand, Sirius alerts Peter, Remus and Emmeline as they wait in her parents' flat. When he stands up, revealing himself, he thinks he's alone only to find out that Regulus had stayed behind. He holds out his wand and –
"That isn't necessary, Sirius, I'm not going to attack you this time," Regulus says with a sneer twisting his face. His brother had never been as attractive as Sirius but that sneer – Bellatrix's sneer, as Sirius thinks of it – makes him ugly, body and soul.
"This time? You going to attack me later, little brother?" Sirius can feel his own face twisting into a sneer.
"I'd prefer not to but then, the rewards would far outweigh the dent to our well-cherished relationship." It's snide and sarcastic. It's a reminder that not only did Sirius leave his parents behind, he'd left his brother, as well.
"Still bitter I wouldn't take you with me?" Sirius asks as he walks around the crates.
"No," Regulus says but even Sirius can hear the 'yes' in the words. "I'm quite happy where I am."
"Happy killing? Happy taking lives and torturing? You couldn't even yell at Kreacher, Regs; I doubt you're any good at torturing Muggles." Sirius changes from sneering to condescending in an instant. "You're keeping lousy company."
"You always were better at torture than I was," Regulus answers back, "and your company isn't any better."
"At least mine don't torture innocents."
"Define innocence."
"The Muggles up there? The ones that were supposed to be in that flat? What did they ever do to you?" Sirius gestures towards the door and encompasses the stairs and the flat.
"We know that there aren't any Muggles up there, Sirius," Regulus says plainly.
"Pardon?" Sirius gapes at Regulus. They knew? How the hell did anyone know? There'd only been about ten people that knew the plan.
"Again I'll say, I keep better company than you." The implication is obvious. Someone within the Order had told the Death Eaters. There was a spy in their midst. Sirius panics over the fact that Remus is upstairs in the middle of a trap right now. It's as he's debating back and forth over whether to continue talking to Regulus that the first seed of doubt is placed. "You keep company with werewolves, Mudbloods and blood traitors."
"You saying someone up in that flat's the traitor?"
"I'm saying that you keep poor company and that, perhaps, you should look at who might have the most to gain from an alliance with us. Blood and darkness will always tell." There's pounding just inside the door. Sirius barely ducks back behind the crates before the door bursts open and McNair and someone else come spilling out.
"Ignore your brother, let's move," McNair snarls. The crack of Apparition ends the conversation between Regulus and Sirius. Sirius runs up the stairs to the flat where he sees Peter on the floor bleeding from a head wound, Emmeline laying unconscious on the sofa and Remus sitting on the floor. He's apparently unharmed and Sirius hates the way that Regulus's voice creeps in and makes him wonder why it is that Remus is uninjured while the others are.
"Everyone all right?" Sirius asks as he walks across the room. Peter waves a hand as he keeps the other pressed to his forehead while blood oozes around the edges. Remus looks up and startles at the sound of Sirius's voice. He looks guilty, beyond guilty, and Regulus's words come creeping back in. Blood and darkness will always tell.
"Remus? You all right?" As much as he hates the idea of Remus being injured, all he can think is I need you to be hurt, please be hurt, please have an injury, please be injured, please make me sit next to you at St. Mungo's, please.
"Yeah, they focused on Emmeline and Peter," Remus answers simply. "You?"
"I'm all right, they concentrated on the flat, instead of me behind the crates. Didn't even see me." It's a small lie but he can't tell Remus about that seed of distrust. That seems even more of a betrayal than thinking it. If he says it, it's true. If he ignores it, it will go away. It makes sense in his head even if it doesn't.
"You want to get Emmeline and I'll help Peter?" Sirius nods at Remus's request, picking up Emmeline, making sure to carefully cradle her as they make their way outside to a clear Apparition point. They're silent throughout the journey until after Emmeline and Peter are ensconced in their private rooms. They're even silent until they make their way to the flat they're still sharing.
Remus walks in right before him, collapsing onto the sofa with a loud groan. Ignoring him, Sirius starts stripping out of his robes as he walks towards the bedroom. He can't talk to Remus right now, can't sit there and go over everything and then kiss and touch like nothing's happened. Like Regulus hadn't ever said a fucking word. He can't do it, he's incapable of it, there's no filter between his mouth and his brain. If he thinks it – he's already thinking it so much that it hurts – he's going to say it.
"Sirius?" Remus asks from the sofa and Sirius can swear that he feels Remus's gaze boring holes into the back of his head. The confusion is so palpable taht Sirius would give anything to make it go away, give anything but the words that will fracture them apart.
"Going to bed." His response is short. Clipped.
"Ok, I'll follow." Sirius can hear Remus getting up.
"I have a headache," Sirius says and then shuts the door. Leaning his head back against the wood, he sighs and then rubs a hand over his temples. He didn't lie, he truly does have a headache, but he can't tell Remus what caused it. There's no knock or entreaties from the other side of the door. He hates the little voice that whispers, more proof he's betraying you all. He knows that you know.
"Want to tell me what's going on, Sirius?" Remus asks as he leans against the doorjamb. They've been awkward and messed up since the attack on Emmeline's family. Sirius has pulled back like he's always done when he's hiding something. Back in Hogwarts, it had been a prank or a girl. Right after Hogwarts, it had been the fear of asking Remus to move in with him. Right after, it had been the need for more. Now, though, Remus thinks there's something absolutely wrong, something not at all like the innocuous times before. This one has a malevolent feel to it.
"Just off to the pub, is all. Meeting a couple of blokes for a few drinks. Nothing to worry about," Sirius answers. Remus lets the answer, the lie, slide. Either Sirius has turned into a closet alcoholic or there's more going on considering that Sirius has visited the pub more in the past two weeks than he's ever done in the past year and a bit since they left Hogwarts.
"I think I'll head out to see James and Lily then. Sure you don't want to go?" Remus asks. As Sirius stands, brushing past him, Remus's palm itches with the need to reach out and grab Sirius, make him talk about whatever it is he's doing. Remus has always thought that stress and combat makes people grow closer. That's the way it is in all the fairytales and books he's read. Weren't Frodo and Sam the best of friends, even closer at the end of the journey than at the beginning? Weren't Patroclus and Achilles closer than close as they fought together?
"Yeah, promised the lads that I'd show. Besides, I'll see James and Lily at the meeting tomorrow." Sirius pauses and turns to look at Remus. Remus knows that Sirius wants to tell him something, long years of friendship and shared secrets tell him that much. Remus reaches out, holds on to the back of Sirius's neck and pulls him in close.
"If there's something, anything, that you'd ever want to tell me, you can," he says it simply. Sirius's mouth opens, shuts, opens once more and then shuts again. The last one might as well have been a prison door with the way that it seems so final.
"Nothing, Moony, but good to know." Sirius hesitates again and then presses his lips to Remus's. "I love you."
"Love you too, but what brought this on?" Remus asks, confused at the way that the mood between them changes from strained to happy and back again.
There's a hesitation again, a pause that gives away that Sirius is hiding something, and then Sirius laughs the sentiment off by saying, "Your fantastic arse is all."
"Of course." Remus pulls back and lets go of Sirius. "Be careful."
"Have fun with James and Lily." With that, Sirius leaves Remus behind. It feels final, that prison door now complete with the guard walking away and leaving the prisoner behind. It's melodramatic as hell but Remus doesn't care. He really doesn't, not right now, not with Sirius off to some meeting with someone other than blokes at a pub.
Remus gives him a five minute head start and then heads towards the pub he'd seen Sirius sneaking into last night when he'd followed. He's rewarded by seeing Sirius's long hair head in to the pub. Remus swallows some of the Polyjuice he swiped from Dumbledore and then, after changing in to a short brunette woman, heads in to the pub.
At first, he doesn't see Sirius. He looks around again and again but it's not until he peers into the deep shadows in the back corner of the pub that he sees Sirius. Slowly making his way back towards the table, he can't hear anything until he's almost on top of them.
"…believe what you'd like, Sirius. The Dark Lord rewards those that assist him," Regulus says as Remus slowly walks past as he fakes his way towards the loo.
"Reward how?" Remus's heart seizes at the greedy tone of Sirius's query.
"Wealth, power, anything. Best of all, only the pure are left behind."
Sirius snorts in response, looks up at Remus and, when Remus freezes, winks at him. Can Sirius tell that it's Remus under the Polyjuice? The hair's from a random Muggle that had visited the shop the other day. He shouldn't be able to tell but this is Sirius Black and the only person who knows Remus more than Remus knows himself is Sirius Black.
Sirius looks away and Remus sighs in relief as he continues to walk past before crouching in the small hallway just past their booth. It's almost like Sirius wants to be overheard because there's no silencing charms or any sort of protection at all. Then again, they are in a Muggle pub far away from magic and anyone they know. Perhaps that's protection in and of itself.
He's missed part of the conversation as he'd manoeuvred but he picks it back up as Sirius says, "I'm not here for a reward. I'm here for you and for Remus."
"Lies. You're here because of what I said about Remus. Not for me at all." There's a pause and then Regulus continues, "Remus could join us."
"What?"
"He's a Dark Creature, be realistic."
"He's not. He's Remus and this conversation is over if you keep insulting him like this."
"And you're not insulting him just by being here? Please, Sirius, do be reasonable."
"Fuck off, I'm trying to help him." There's a crashing sound that Remus thinks is Sirius hitting the table with his hand.
"Do you trust him?" Regulus sounds bored.
"I… of…" Sirius stumbles over the words and then says, "Yes, of course I do."
"Bullshit. You don't and it's because you know he's a werewolf and that they have no loyalty. None. He'll betray you all if he gets a chance. Better you do it first." The words twist in Remus's guts, pulling him this way and that.
When Sirius doesn't answer right away, Remus can't take it any more. Instead, he walks out of the pub and changes back into his own clothes just as his features melt back to normal. Perhaps it's a good thing that Sirius hadn't responded because otherwise, Remus would have been caught out.
"Lupin. Fancy meeting you here," comes an all too familiar drawl.
"Snape," Remus responds calmly and politely.
"Slumming with the Muggles? Perhaps you're here to pick a victim to have as your next meal?"
"I've apologised before but if it requires another, I shall give it. I cannot control what actions others do. I can only deal with what I, myself, choose to do. I never intended for you to be a victim."
"No, it's just others that you will be victimizing. Black must be so proud." Snape's face twists into that petulant sneer once more.
"He's more proud of James and Lily making Harry, of course," Remus can't resist the opportunity to dig at Snape's ego a bit, not with the constant allusions to Remus's werewolf status.
"Potter will get his and I'm sure that it will be because of you," Snape says. "You'll just have to have some patience. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've more important things to do."
Snape walks towards the pub and Remus, shaken by the revelations of the evening, Apparates back to the flat without looking back and seeing Sirius staring from the doorway of the pub.
Days later, Sirius can't quite cope with Remus's betrayal. He'd seen Snape and Remus talking. He'd heard Snape. Potter will get his and I'm sure that it will be because of you, just have some patience continuously flits through his mind every time he sees Remus. If it had been any other situation, Sirius would tackle Remus, demand retribution for making him hear Snape's voice all the time but it's this situation. This time.
Sirius can't do it.
He can't. This is all Voldemort's fault. Fucking Voldemort and his fucking insanity. When Remus asks him, again, where he's going, Sirius shrugs him off and snaps, "Out."
"Out where?" Remus is leaning against the doorjamb just as he'd done when he'd gone off and betrayed them all the night Sirius had met up with Regulus.
"Out. Going to see James and Lily again?" Sirius asks though he means 'visiting Snape so you can talk to him about betraying all of us again'.
"I think I'll stay in tonight. The last visit didn't sit well with me."
"Oh yeah? Why's that?" Sirius slides the belt into the waistband of his denims before shoving his feet into trainers.
"Nothing in particular," is said after a long drawn-out pause.
"Right." Sirius can't help the bitterness in his voice. He's going barmy; this entire situation is driving him absolutely insane. He finishes checks his collar and then starts to exit the room. "Don't wait up."
"All right. Have a good evening," Remus says and then holds on to Sirius, pulling him close. "Just think about what you're doing and how it will affect everyone around you."
"Drinks at a pub with Peter isn't going to affect anyone other than the two of us," Sirius answers back but then can't resist Remus – he's never been able to resist Remus and that's a fact that Remus has to know – so he leans in and breathes deep. Just because the bastard was about to betray them isn't a reason for Sirius not to take one last deep breath and one last taste.
"I know that but I'm just asking you to remember your years of friendship with us and how you went to James when you left your parents. Remember that, please?"
The reminder of James and the way that Remus is planning on betraying them is like a slap in the face. Sirius pulls back, storming out of the flat without another word. If he opens his mouth, he'll give it all away and right now, there's a chance to fix things so that Remus can't betray them. Can't leave them behind and can't leave them. Can't leave Sirius.
He Apparates to the alley behind the small pub that Pete and he have chosen for the evening. It's near Peter's mum's place and, thus, is filled with older people just off work or on their way to a factory job. It's depressing, quiet and filled with serious drinkers. In short, it's perfect for the pair of them to talk over what's going on with James, Lily and Harry.
"I'm not going to do it, Sirius," Peter says after the waitress sets down their drinks and then leaves.
"You're the best choice. I'm obvious and you know and I know that old Snake-eyes will know what James and Lily will think. He'll try to get to them through me."
"What about Remus?" There it is, out in the open so innocently that Sirius's brain shuts down. He's fucking well stuck as he hasn't been able, won't ever be able to answer this one properly.
"Full moon," Sirius finally answers.
"Oh, right." Peter nods as if he gets what Sirius is saying.
"It's the perfect plan. No one will suspect the switch at all. We'll tell James, Lily and Dumbledore and keep everyone else in the dark. It's brilliant. Nothing can go wrong."
"What about Remus? Shouldn't he know?" Peter gestures towards the waitress to get another round.
"Less people that know, the better." It's the only response he can think of. He likes Peter but there's always been a line with what he's willing to share with Pete when it comes to his relationship with Remus. There's James – best mate ever, thank you kindly – and then there's Remus – need him, love him and hate him right now all at the same time – and then there's Pete. Pete's a great mate, one of the best, but for this sort of thing, James is the only one that Sirius can go to. Only problem is that James has his own life, his own issues and Sirius has to work on protecting that. Yes, it's the perfect plan and not telling Remus means that Remus can't betray them, giving him time to rethink his actions.
If his heart twists as Peter agrees one more time, Sirius dismisses it as a reaction to unfamiliar ale. His heart isn't breaking because Remus isn't going to betray them. Not if Sirius has anything to do with it.
There's something going on with Sirius. There's too much tension and stress between them. Where, before the meetings with Regulus, Sirius had been stressed but still able to laugh, now they sit there and read or Sirius goes out for a drink. Remus is left alone with a book and dinner congealing under a warming charm. It's hard to believe this entire thing has only lasted a couple of weeks. How could any relationship sour in a few weeks?
Remus rubs his temple as he rings up another sale. This job's only going to last another week or so because the full moon is coming and he can feel it deep in his bones. He's like those little old ladies that can feel rain coming because of their rheumatism.
He misses Sirius and he can't quite see how to get him back. He's done his best to address Sirius's meetings without admitting to spying but they haven't stopped as far as Remus knows. He can't tell Sirius that he's been spying on him, that will kill what little bit of trust there is between them.
The maudlin mood continues until he gets home. Sirius is sitting at the desk writing a letter while his owl nibbles some sort of treat, leaving crumbs everywhere.
"Going to miss James, Lily and Harry," Sirius says without looking up.
"You writing them?" Remus asks as he puts his coat away and then walks across the room. Sirius covers the letter and then turns to look at Remus.
"Can't miss them too much if I know where they're at, can I?" It's an odd comment, one that echoes in Remus's head and then Remus is distracted with the way that Sirius folds the letter up and then stands.
They haven't touched – angry or fast or angry and fast kisses aside – more than a brief brush of skin in weeks. Remus hadn't ever thought he was a tactile person but he feels like he's in sensory deprivation because Sirius is so tactile. He's always touching, whether it's straightening a collar, mussing hair or slinging a companionable arm around the nearest body, Sirius is always touching someone.
When Sirius goes to walk past, Remus steps into him only to have Sirius sidestep away. It's a casual brush-off and it hurts more than Remus has ever imagined.
One day, the house in Godric's Hollow is there. The next, it disappears from sight no matter how hard Sirius looks for it. Peter's the Secret Keeper, James and his family are safe, Remus can't betray anyone other than Sirius and Sirius… well, Sirius is Sirius. He'll get over the way that his heart constantly aches, his soul feels like it's being ripped in to two.
What he's not at all certain he can get over is the way that the loneliness – pressed down deep into his gut so that he doesn't acknowledge it all that often – snarls and snaps like a lion stuck behind a cage. It doesn't matter that he's surrounded by people or that Regulus hasn't responded to any of his owls lately.
The way that they are, Remus and him, isn't fair to either of them.
The temptation to open the letter is so strong that Remus has the envelope in his hands before he sets it back down on the desk. Sirius's things are none of his business, even if he's thinking of betraying James and Lily. Even if there's a letter addressed to Sirius and written in Regulus's hand.
Remus knows something is happening between them and that they're shattering. He's changed his mind, decided that no matter how much love there might be between two people, a relationship fractures under strain. It's not the fault of either party when it happens. The relationship just can't handle the strain. It crumbles. Dies.
Remus likens this to ancient mummies pulled out of tombs. Deep in their tombs, those controlled environments where everything remains the same day in and day out, the mummies remain intact. They're happy there. Take those same mummies out into the real world and they deteriorate into dust under the pressures of the every day world.
Really, it's no wonder that they – Sirius and him – have started to crumble. In Hogwarts, they were tossed together all the time between classes, the Common Room, pranks and the monthly cavorting. Now, though, the stresses of not only real life but also the war, Voldemort, the threats to James, Lily and Harry and everything else are like the wind and air to the body of the mummy. They're crumbling and Remus isn't sure that there's anything that he can do to stop it.
When Remus comes home from his last day at the shop – another job lost because the full moon is approaching and another shop owner has figured out his ailment – all he can smell is the scent of dinner cooking. He wonders who else is here in the flat because Sirius doesn't cook, that's what house-elves are for, whether one could afford them or not. However, there isn't anyone else here, it's Sirius and he's currently standing at the cooker and stirring something in a pot.
"What's the special occasion?" Remus asks as he walks up behind Sirius to peer over his shoulder.
"Can't a man cook without a special occasion? That's just like you, Remus, looking for the ulterior motive. Perhaps I'm cooking you dinner simply to say welcome home." Sirius sounds like he did before the meetings with Regulus. He's cheerful, boisterous and teasing. Remus lets the stress of that time flow away and throws himself into the moment.
"I appreciate the welcome," he says before pressing their bodies together and then kissing the crook of Sirius's neck.
"Course you do, it's my specialty. Everyone appreciates the Sirius Black Special." Sirius sets the spoon down and then turns in Remus's arms before kissing Remus lightly across the lips. "I'll miss this."
"So have I," Remus answers absently. He's fixated on the way that he can feel Sirius pressing insistently against his trousers. Sirius's hands are on his shoulders and then gliding down his back to grip his arse, forcing their cocks even closer. It all distracts him from everything but the need sweeping over him.
"Fucking need you," Sirius growls before biting Remus's neck. "Fucking need you more than almost anything else."
"I'm here, take me," Remus soothes and then they're tugging at clothes, hands are touching and mouths… the kissing is more than they've ever had before. It's hot and needy, the want is stronger than it ever was even at the beginning and their first frantic kiss. Sirius is more aggressive than ever, too, biting hard enough to mark and draw blood.
"Can't forget this, can't ever leave this behind," Sirius says before ripping Remus's shirt open the rest of the way and then latching on to Remus's chest just over his nipple.
"You don't have to, I'm here," Remus soothes once again; his hands and mouth are gentler than Sirius's. It's obvious that there's more going on here and Remus wonders if, perhaps, Sirius has finally made his decision. From the way that Sirius is so insistent on staying with Remus, it's obvious that he's chosen Remus over his family and Voldemort. Relief sweeps over him and his hands turn more frantic, as well.
"Bedroom, Sirius, before we ruin the table," Remus insists and they don't stop touching and sucking and licking and kissing and touching as they walk back towards the bedroom and then land on the bed.
A quick spell and Remus stretches just in time for Sirius to slide into him. They're facing one another and it's like time has stopped just for them. It's only been a few weeks, not long at all considering how long they've known one another, but those few weeks were more than Remus ever thought they'd go without touching. This moment means more than just the toofullalmostenough feeling of Sirius inside of him. This moment means that Sirius has, once and for all, turned his back on everything in his past, that he's chosen his family and that it's Remus, James, Lily, Harry and Peter.
"Love you, love you so much," Remus pants as he reaches up a hand to brush the long hair off of Sirius's face. Sirius snarls and then kisses Remus, their mutual need too much for words. In that kiss, with all that heat and possessiveness, Remus can tell that this is Sirius's way of saying that he loves Remus just as much as Remus loves Sirius.
His orgasm explodes over him and he comes without Sirius ever touching his cock. He cries out, bucking up and into Sirius's hips and Sirius pumps one, two, three more times and then cries out as well. After Sirius collapses onto him, Remus lays there and rubs soothing circles on the small of Sirius's back. He doesn't complain about the way that he's sticky and wet from sweat and other things not bearing thinking over. Instead, he continues to let his hands roam while he breathes in the scent of Sirius and sex together. It's his favourite scent of all time and –
"Your bag's in the armoire. I've already packed it. Your books and such, I'll send over to the Longbottoms' later." Sirius's voice – cold and unyielding – comes as he pushes himself off of Remus.
"Pardon?" Remus gapes as Sirius walks, completely naked, towards the loo.
"I called the Longbottoms and they said you could stay with them. I'll send the rest of your few things over tomorrow."
"What?" Remus gapes further as Sirius turns and stares from the doorway.
"If their offer isn't good enough, just let them know where you'll be staying and I'll have your things sent."
"Are you breaking up with me?" Remus asks, completely gobsmacked.
"And everyone says I'm the dumb one and you're the smart one. Get out. I can't stand the sight of you." With that, Sirius shuts the door of the loo behind him.
Remus, numb and lost, dresses and then grabs the bag Sirius has packed. He hasn't a clue what just happened and it's fairly obvious that Sirius isn't willing to give any answers.
For just a moment, while Sirius wanders the flat aimlessly with the scent of burnt food in his nose, he forgets why he ended it with Remus. He forgets everything but the way that his heart twists and turns in his chest, the way that he wants to reach out a hand and touch Remus, make him stop before he reaches the doorway.
"I'll be at my mother's. You can send my things there," Remus says and then looks over his shoulder at Sirius with such need in his eyes that Sirius's heart shrivels and dies right there from the pain of it.
He's being unbelievably cruel and that isn't like him at all. Regulus was, is right. He's always been better at torture than Regulus could ever have conceived. His treatment of Remus is proof positive of that.
Remus walks through the door without another look. When the door shuts, Sirius can hear the sound of prison all over again.
Peter's place is empty – completely barren and empty. There's no sign that anyone had lived there. Sirius's heart thumps so loud that he swears it echoes off the walls. It abruptly stops as he realises.
He's a fool.
He runs out to his motorcycle and takes off. When he gets there, Hagrid's holding Harry. Even after Sirius pleads with him, he refuses to turn the boy over. Harry's sobbing like there's no tomorrow and all Sirius wants to do is hold on to him.
"Betrayed, someone betrayed them," Hagrid moans as he holds on to Harry.
Hagrid's right. Someone had betrayed them and that someone is standing right in front of him. He'd betrayed not just the Potters but Remus, too. It had never been Remus. It had always been Peter. Brainless, gormless Peter had found just enough bravery to betray his best friends.
Rage and grief twist into a white-hot emotional fire that fuels him into tossing the keys to the motorcycle at Hagrid and then Apparating without another word. He has two stops to make. One to kill that fucking rat. The other to throw himself on Remus's mercy and explain about the conversations and the way he'd distrusted and betrayed Remus when he'd been trying to fix everything and keep everyone safe. The first shouldn't take long at all while the second would probably take a lifetime.
"What the hell are you doing?" Sirius demands as his voice rises over the yelling all around him. This isn't happening, it can't be happening. He's innocent, fucking innocent of everything. It can't be that the Aurors are grabbing on to his arms and pulling him away. He doesn't even get a trial? What sort of shite is this? The world doesn't work this way, he's been fighting for justice for everyone, equal treatment and fairness and… and they're taking him away to Azkaban without a trial. He pleads, "Remus! Remus! Tell them! Tell them, come on, mate, tell them! Tell them that Peter was the Secret Keeper! Tell them that it was Peter that killed James and Lily!"
There's only the gruff unforgiving pull of the Aurors as they drag him to the Floo before the final clang of the prison door.
As always, I'd love to hear what you thought.
rs_games Round I. No one guessed my fic. I'd be upset but, honestly, I set up a few things in the story so I would be less recognizable. I have thinky thoughts about this fic if anyone is interested. Title: Innocence Lost
Author:
wook77Team: Post-Hogwarts
Rating: Hard R
Warnings: Canon compliant through HBP (does not take DH-canon dates into account, thus partially AU)
Wordcount: ~6000
Summary: There are no whole truths: all truths are half-truths. It is trying to treat them as whole truths that plays the devil.
Prompt: "It's not lying if they make you lie. If the only truth they can accept is their own."
Genre(s): Angst, AU
Author's Notes: All section headings are lyrics from "Kiss Off" by The Violent Femmes and are not mine. Summary is from a quotation by Alfred North Whitehead. Many thanks to my betas,
nefernat and elanorofcastile. Many thanks to my cheerleaders and plotpickers including my teammates and especially thescarletwoman and gryffindor_j. I posted a very rough draft of this and got such amazing feedback from them that they fixed my issues with the story. I take one one one cause you left me
It's one more day, one more job, and one more long drawn-out moment where Sirius can't see up, down, or sideways. The fact that Sirius hates times like these isn't important when faced with the long-term consequences. A bit of hardship for him, or death for James and Lily. Somehow, he can't be selfish right now. For anyone else – even Peter, Dumbledore or any of the rest of the Order, no matter how near and dear they are – he'd be selfish, weigh his own suffering against theirs. But for James, Lily, Harry and Remus, Sirius can't be that selfish.
He knows that everyone thinks him a selfish prig. He is. He knows it, they know it; it isn't worth lying over. What's worth lying over is that he's also a selfless prig for the very few that he loves more than himself. There are only four names on that list though his heart's whispering that there should be five, that there are five on the list but Regulus chose his own path long ago. A path that not only diverged from Sirius's, it jumped up a cliff, took the rope with it and tossed a two-fingered salute while laughing maniacally the entire time.
Their paths are about to converge once more, though, as Sirius lurks in the shadows behind a haphazard stack of crates in the back of a smelly, stinking, disgusting alleyway while waiting to see if Regulus and his Death Eater friends show up to start torturing Emmeline Vance's Muggle family.
Sirius hates Muggle London. He hates the way it smells all the time, the way the air is coloured and the way the Muggles are so absolutely clueless and bigoted. In a way, they remind him of the Pureblood mania his own family suffers from. Only instead of worrying about blood, they worry about skin colour and sexual orientation and income levels and where a body's from and… and so many other things that mean nothing when it comes down to judging a person. He's ashamed to admit that there are times that he wonders if, perhaps, the Death Eaters didn't have the right idea.
But then he looks at Evans, Potter, he mentally corrects himself, and he realises his family and the rest of the Pureblood idiots are completely barmy. If all the Muggles were like Lily's sister, perhaps he would be on a different side but they're not, not in the least. Besides, Remus is half-Muggle so right there, it means that he's had to pick this side. Whether or not he doubts the validity of the path or the side, there was never a doubt in his mind that he'd be following them along it.
Leaving all these thoughts behind, he crouches even further behind the crates as the crack of Apparition echoes, reflecting back and forth against the brick walls. The Disillusionment charm and the silencing charms and all the other various charms wouldn't help him if someone him so he carefully checks to make sure that his shadow is still merged with that of the crates.
"… flat's on the fifth floor," a voice snarls. If Sirius is right – and he's always had a talent for voices so he doesn't doubt himself – McNair is the one discussing the location of the Vance flat.
"You first." Sirius hears Regulus speak and he wonders, yet again, just how they'd diverged the way they did. Regulus is the only one of Sirius's family – other than Andromeda –Sirius has ever cared for. Narcissa is so weak and insipid while Bellatrix is too insane. His parents are his, well, parents and his aunts, uncles and cousins are all the same; all too fixated on the quality of blood and not on the quality of person.
As the backdoor to the building opens, Sirius waits in his crouch until it shuts. Cautiously tapping his wand three times against the coin held warm in his hand, Sirius alerts Peter, Remus and Emmeline as they wait in her parents' flat. When he stands up, revealing himself, he thinks he's alone only to find out that Regulus had stayed behind. He holds out his wand and –
"That isn't necessary, Sirius, I'm not going to attack you this time," Regulus says with a sneer twisting his face. His brother had never been as attractive as Sirius but that sneer – Bellatrix's sneer, as Sirius thinks of it – makes him ugly, body and soul.
"This time? You going to attack me later, little brother?" Sirius can feel his own face twisting into a sneer.
"I'd prefer not to but then, the rewards would far outweigh the dent to our well-cherished relationship." It's snide and sarcastic. It's a reminder that not only did Sirius leave his parents behind, he'd left his brother, as well.
"Still bitter I wouldn't take you with me?" Sirius asks as he walks around the crates.
"No," Regulus says but even Sirius can hear the 'yes' in the words. "I'm quite happy where I am."
"Happy killing? Happy taking lives and torturing? You couldn't even yell at Kreacher, Regs; I doubt you're any good at torturing Muggles." Sirius changes from sneering to condescending in an instant. "You're keeping lousy company."
"You always were better at torture than I was," Regulus answers back, "and your company isn't any better."
"At least mine don't torture innocents."
"Define innocence."
"The Muggles up there? The ones that were supposed to be in that flat? What did they ever do to you?" Sirius gestures towards the door and encompasses the stairs and the flat.
"We know that there aren't any Muggles up there, Sirius," Regulus says plainly.
"Pardon?" Sirius gapes at Regulus. They knew? How the hell did anyone know? There'd only been about ten people that knew the plan.
"Again I'll say, I keep better company than you." The implication is obvious. Someone within the Order had told the Death Eaters. There was a spy in their midst. Sirius panics over the fact that Remus is upstairs in the middle of a trap right now. It's as he's debating back and forth over whether to continue talking to Regulus that the first seed of doubt is placed. "You keep company with werewolves, Mudbloods and blood traitors."
"You saying someone up in that flat's the traitor?"
"I'm saying that you keep poor company and that, perhaps, you should look at who might have the most to gain from an alliance with us. Blood and darkness will always tell." There's pounding just inside the door. Sirius barely ducks back behind the crates before the door bursts open and McNair and someone else come spilling out.
"Ignore your brother, let's move," McNair snarls. The crack of Apparition ends the conversation between Regulus and Sirius. Sirius runs up the stairs to the flat where he sees Peter on the floor bleeding from a head wound, Emmeline laying unconscious on the sofa and Remus sitting on the floor. He's apparently unharmed and Sirius hates the way that Regulus's voice creeps in and makes him wonder why it is that Remus is uninjured while the others are.
"Everyone all right?" Sirius asks as he walks across the room. Peter waves a hand as he keeps the other pressed to his forehead while blood oozes around the edges. Remus looks up and startles at the sound of Sirius's voice. He looks guilty, beyond guilty, and Regulus's words come creeping back in. Blood and darkness will always tell.
"Remus? You all right?" As much as he hates the idea of Remus being injured, all he can think is I need you to be hurt, please be hurt, please have an injury, please be injured, please make me sit next to you at St. Mungo's, please.
"Yeah, they focused on Emmeline and Peter," Remus answers simply. "You?"
"I'm all right, they concentrated on the flat, instead of me behind the crates. Didn't even see me." It's a small lie but he can't tell Remus about that seed of distrust. That seems even more of a betrayal than thinking it. If he says it, it's true. If he ignores it, it will go away. It makes sense in his head even if it doesn't.
"You want to get Emmeline and I'll help Peter?" Sirius nods at Remus's request, picking up Emmeline, making sure to carefully cradle her as they make their way outside to a clear Apparition point. They're silent throughout the journey until after Emmeline and Peter are ensconced in their private rooms. They're even silent until they make their way to the flat they're still sharing.
Remus walks in right before him, collapsing onto the sofa with a loud groan. Ignoring him, Sirius starts stripping out of his robes as he walks towards the bedroom. He can't talk to Remus right now, can't sit there and go over everything and then kiss and touch like nothing's happened. Like Regulus hadn't ever said a fucking word. He can't do it, he's incapable of it, there's no filter between his mouth and his brain. If he thinks it – he's already thinking it so much that it hurts – he's going to say it.
"Sirius?" Remus asks from the sofa and Sirius can swear that he feels Remus's gaze boring holes into the back of his head. The confusion is so palpable taht Sirius would give anything to make it go away, give anything but the words that will fracture them apart.
"Going to bed." His response is short. Clipped.
"Ok, I'll follow." Sirius can hear Remus getting up.
"I have a headache," Sirius says and then shuts the door. Leaning his head back against the wood, he sighs and then rubs a hand over his temples. He didn't lie, he truly does have a headache, but he can't tell Remus what caused it. There's no knock or entreaties from the other side of the door. He hates the little voice that whispers, more proof he's betraying you all. He knows that you know.
and two two two for my family
"Want to tell me what's going on, Sirius?" Remus asks as he leans against the doorjamb. They've been awkward and messed up since the attack on Emmeline's family. Sirius has pulled back like he's always done when he's hiding something. Back in Hogwarts, it had been a prank or a girl. Right after Hogwarts, it had been the fear of asking Remus to move in with him. Right after, it had been the need for more. Now, though, Remus thinks there's something absolutely wrong, something not at all like the innocuous times before. This one has a malevolent feel to it.
"Just off to the pub, is all. Meeting a couple of blokes for a few drinks. Nothing to worry about," Sirius answers. Remus lets the answer, the lie, slide. Either Sirius has turned into a closet alcoholic or there's more going on considering that Sirius has visited the pub more in the past two weeks than he's ever done in the past year and a bit since they left Hogwarts.
"I think I'll head out to see James and Lily then. Sure you don't want to go?" Remus asks. As Sirius stands, brushing past him, Remus's palm itches with the need to reach out and grab Sirius, make him talk about whatever it is he's doing. Remus has always thought that stress and combat makes people grow closer. That's the way it is in all the fairytales and books he's read. Weren't Frodo and Sam the best of friends, even closer at the end of the journey than at the beginning? Weren't Patroclus and Achilles closer than close as they fought together?
"Yeah, promised the lads that I'd show. Besides, I'll see James and Lily at the meeting tomorrow." Sirius pauses and turns to look at Remus. Remus knows that Sirius wants to tell him something, long years of friendship and shared secrets tell him that much. Remus reaches out, holds on to the back of Sirius's neck and pulls him in close.
"If there's something, anything, that you'd ever want to tell me, you can," he says it simply. Sirius's mouth opens, shuts, opens once more and then shuts again. The last one might as well have been a prison door with the way that it seems so final.
"Nothing, Moony, but good to know." Sirius hesitates again and then presses his lips to Remus's. "I love you."
"Love you too, but what brought this on?" Remus asks, confused at the way that the mood between them changes from strained to happy and back again.
There's a hesitation again, a pause that gives away that Sirius is hiding something, and then Sirius laughs the sentiment off by saying, "Your fantastic arse is all."
"Of course." Remus pulls back and lets go of Sirius. "Be careful."
"Have fun with James and Lily." With that, Sirius leaves Remus behind. It feels final, that prison door now complete with the guard walking away and leaving the prisoner behind. It's melodramatic as hell but Remus doesn't care. He really doesn't, not right now, not with Sirius off to some meeting with someone other than blokes at a pub.
Remus gives him a five minute head start and then heads towards the pub he'd seen Sirius sneaking into last night when he'd followed. He's rewarded by seeing Sirius's long hair head in to the pub. Remus swallows some of the Polyjuice he swiped from Dumbledore and then, after changing in to a short brunette woman, heads in to the pub.
At first, he doesn't see Sirius. He looks around again and again but it's not until he peers into the deep shadows in the back corner of the pub that he sees Sirius. Slowly making his way back towards the table, he can't hear anything until he's almost on top of them.
"…believe what you'd like, Sirius. The Dark Lord rewards those that assist him," Regulus says as Remus slowly walks past as he fakes his way towards the loo.
"Reward how?" Remus's heart seizes at the greedy tone of Sirius's query.
"Wealth, power, anything. Best of all, only the pure are left behind."
Sirius snorts in response, looks up at Remus and, when Remus freezes, winks at him. Can Sirius tell that it's Remus under the Polyjuice? The hair's from a random Muggle that had visited the shop the other day. He shouldn't be able to tell but this is Sirius Black and the only person who knows Remus more than Remus knows himself is Sirius Black.
Sirius looks away and Remus sighs in relief as he continues to walk past before crouching in the small hallway just past their booth. It's almost like Sirius wants to be overheard because there's no silencing charms or any sort of protection at all. Then again, they are in a Muggle pub far away from magic and anyone they know. Perhaps that's protection in and of itself.
He's missed part of the conversation as he'd manoeuvred but he picks it back up as Sirius says, "I'm not here for a reward. I'm here for you and for Remus."
"Lies. You're here because of what I said about Remus. Not for me at all." There's a pause and then Regulus continues, "Remus could join us."
"What?"
"He's a Dark Creature, be realistic."
"He's not. He's Remus and this conversation is over if you keep insulting him like this."
"And you're not insulting him just by being here? Please, Sirius, do be reasonable."
"Fuck off, I'm trying to help him." There's a crashing sound that Remus thinks is Sirius hitting the table with his hand.
"Do you trust him?" Regulus sounds bored.
"I… of…" Sirius stumbles over the words and then says, "Yes, of course I do."
"Bullshit. You don't and it's because you know he's a werewolf and that they have no loyalty. None. He'll betray you all if he gets a chance. Better you do it first." The words twist in Remus's guts, pulling him this way and that.
When Sirius doesn't answer right away, Remus can't take it any more. Instead, he walks out of the pub and changes back into his own clothes just as his features melt back to normal. Perhaps it's a good thing that Sirius hadn't responded because otherwise, Remus would have been caught out.
"Lupin. Fancy meeting you here," comes an all too familiar drawl.
"Snape," Remus responds calmly and politely.
"Slumming with the Muggles? Perhaps you're here to pick a victim to have as your next meal?"
"I've apologised before but if it requires another, I shall give it. I cannot control what actions others do. I can only deal with what I, myself, choose to do. I never intended for you to be a victim."
"No, it's just others that you will be victimizing. Black must be so proud." Snape's face twists into that petulant sneer once more.
"He's more proud of James and Lily making Harry, of course," Remus can't resist the opportunity to dig at Snape's ego a bit, not with the constant allusions to Remus's werewolf status.
"Potter will get his and I'm sure that it will be because of you," Snape says. "You'll just have to have some patience. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've more important things to do."
Snape walks towards the pub and Remus, shaken by the revelations of the evening, Apparates back to the flat without looking back and seeing Sirius staring from the doorway of the pub.
and three three three for my heartache
Days later, Sirius can't quite cope with Remus's betrayal. He'd seen Snape and Remus talking. He'd heard Snape. Potter will get his and I'm sure that it will be because of you, just have some patience continuously flits through his mind every time he sees Remus. If it had been any other situation, Sirius would tackle Remus, demand retribution for making him hear Snape's voice all the time but it's this situation. This time.
Sirius can't do it.
He can't. This is all Voldemort's fault. Fucking Voldemort and his fucking insanity. When Remus asks him, again, where he's going, Sirius shrugs him off and snaps, "Out."
"Out where?" Remus is leaning against the doorjamb just as he'd done when he'd gone off and betrayed them all the night Sirius had met up with Regulus.
"Out. Going to see James and Lily again?" Sirius asks though he means 'visiting Snape so you can talk to him about betraying all of us again'.
"I think I'll stay in tonight. The last visit didn't sit well with me."
"Oh yeah? Why's that?" Sirius slides the belt into the waistband of his denims before shoving his feet into trainers.
"Nothing in particular," is said after a long drawn-out pause.
"Right." Sirius can't help the bitterness in his voice. He's going barmy; this entire situation is driving him absolutely insane. He finishes checks his collar and then starts to exit the room. "Don't wait up."
"All right. Have a good evening," Remus says and then holds on to Sirius, pulling him close. "Just think about what you're doing and how it will affect everyone around you."
"Drinks at a pub with Peter isn't going to affect anyone other than the two of us," Sirius answers back but then can't resist Remus – he's never been able to resist Remus and that's a fact that Remus has to know – so he leans in and breathes deep. Just because the bastard was about to betray them isn't a reason for Sirius not to take one last deep breath and one last taste.
"I know that but I'm just asking you to remember your years of friendship with us and how you went to James when you left your parents. Remember that, please?"
The reminder of James and the way that Remus is planning on betraying them is like a slap in the face. Sirius pulls back, storming out of the flat without another word. If he opens his mouth, he'll give it all away and right now, there's a chance to fix things so that Remus can't betray them. Can't leave them behind and can't leave them. Can't leave Sirius.
He Apparates to the alley behind the small pub that Pete and he have chosen for the evening. It's near Peter's mum's place and, thus, is filled with older people just off work or on their way to a factory job. It's depressing, quiet and filled with serious drinkers. In short, it's perfect for the pair of them to talk over what's going on with James, Lily and Harry.
"I'm not going to do it, Sirius," Peter says after the waitress sets down their drinks and then leaves.
"You're the best choice. I'm obvious and you know and I know that old Snake-eyes will know what James and Lily will think. He'll try to get to them through me."
"What about Remus?" There it is, out in the open so innocently that Sirius's brain shuts down. He's fucking well stuck as he hasn't been able, won't ever be able to answer this one properly.
"Full moon," Sirius finally answers.
"Oh, right." Peter nods as if he gets what Sirius is saying.
"It's the perfect plan. No one will suspect the switch at all. We'll tell James, Lily and Dumbledore and keep everyone else in the dark. It's brilliant. Nothing can go wrong."
"What about Remus? Shouldn't he know?" Peter gestures towards the waitress to get another round.
"Less people that know, the better." It's the only response he can think of. He likes Peter but there's always been a line with what he's willing to share with Pete when it comes to his relationship with Remus. There's James – best mate ever, thank you kindly – and then there's Remus – need him, love him and hate him right now all at the same time – and then there's Pete. Pete's a great mate, one of the best, but for this sort of thing, James is the only one that Sirius can go to. Only problem is that James has his own life, his own issues and Sirius has to work on protecting that. Yes, it's the perfect plan and not telling Remus means that Remus can't betray them, giving him time to rethink his actions.
If his heart twists as Peter agrees one more time, Sirius dismisses it as a reaction to unfamiliar ale. His heart isn't breaking because Remus isn't going to betray them. Not if Sirius has anything to do with it.
and four four four for my headaches
There's something going on with Sirius. There's too much tension and stress between them. Where, before the meetings with Regulus, Sirius had been stressed but still able to laugh, now they sit there and read or Sirius goes out for a drink. Remus is left alone with a book and dinner congealing under a warming charm. It's hard to believe this entire thing has only lasted a couple of weeks. How could any relationship sour in a few weeks?
Remus rubs his temple as he rings up another sale. This job's only going to last another week or so because the full moon is coming and he can feel it deep in his bones. He's like those little old ladies that can feel rain coming because of their rheumatism.
He misses Sirius and he can't quite see how to get him back. He's done his best to address Sirius's meetings without admitting to spying but they haven't stopped as far as Remus knows. He can't tell Sirius that he's been spying on him, that will kill what little bit of trust there is between them.
The maudlin mood continues until he gets home. Sirius is sitting at the desk writing a letter while his owl nibbles some sort of treat, leaving crumbs everywhere.
"Going to miss James, Lily and Harry," Sirius says without looking up.
"You writing them?" Remus asks as he puts his coat away and then walks across the room. Sirius covers the letter and then turns to look at Remus.
"Can't miss them too much if I know where they're at, can I?" It's an odd comment, one that echoes in Remus's head and then Remus is distracted with the way that Sirius folds the letter up and then stands.
They haven't touched – angry or fast or angry and fast kisses aside – more than a brief brush of skin in weeks. Remus hadn't ever thought he was a tactile person but he feels like he's in sensory deprivation because Sirius is so tactile. He's always touching, whether it's straightening a collar, mussing hair or slinging a companionable arm around the nearest body, Sirius is always touching someone.
When Sirius goes to walk past, Remus steps into him only to have Sirius sidestep away. It's a casual brush-off and it hurts more than Remus has ever imagined.
and five five five for my lonely
One day, the house in Godric's Hollow is there. The next, it disappears from sight no matter how hard Sirius looks for it. Peter's the Secret Keeper, James and his family are safe, Remus can't betray anyone other than Sirius and Sirius… well, Sirius is Sirius. He'll get over the way that his heart constantly aches, his soul feels like it's being ripped in to two.
What he's not at all certain he can get over is the way that the loneliness – pressed down deep into his gut so that he doesn't acknowledge it all that often – snarls and snaps like a lion stuck behind a cage. It doesn't matter that he's surrounded by people or that Regulus hasn't responded to any of his owls lately.
The way that they are, Remus and him, isn't fair to either of them.
and six six six for my sorrow
The temptation to open the letter is so strong that Remus has the envelope in his hands before he sets it back down on the desk. Sirius's things are none of his business, even if he's thinking of betraying James and Lily. Even if there's a letter addressed to Sirius and written in Regulus's hand.
Remus knows something is happening between them and that they're shattering. He's changed his mind, decided that no matter how much love there might be between two people, a relationship fractures under strain. It's not the fault of either party when it happens. The relationship just can't handle the strain. It crumbles. Dies.
Remus likens this to ancient mummies pulled out of tombs. Deep in their tombs, those controlled environments where everything remains the same day in and day out, the mummies remain intact. They're happy there. Take those same mummies out into the real world and they deteriorate into dust under the pressures of the every day world.
Really, it's no wonder that they – Sirius and him – have started to crumble. In Hogwarts, they were tossed together all the time between classes, the Common Room, pranks and the monthly cavorting. Now, though, the stresses of not only real life but also the war, Voldemort, the threats to James, Lily and Harry and everything else are like the wind and air to the body of the mummy. They're crumbling and Remus isn't sure that there's anything that he can do to stop it.
and seven seven for no tomorrow
When Remus comes home from his last day at the shop – another job lost because the full moon is approaching and another shop owner has figured out his ailment – all he can smell is the scent of dinner cooking. He wonders who else is here in the flat because Sirius doesn't cook, that's what house-elves are for, whether one could afford them or not. However, there isn't anyone else here, it's Sirius and he's currently standing at the cooker and stirring something in a pot.
"What's the special occasion?" Remus asks as he walks up behind Sirius to peer over his shoulder.
"Can't a man cook without a special occasion? That's just like you, Remus, looking for the ulterior motive. Perhaps I'm cooking you dinner simply to say welcome home." Sirius sounds like he did before the meetings with Regulus. He's cheerful, boisterous and teasing. Remus lets the stress of that time flow away and throws himself into the moment.
"I appreciate the welcome," he says before pressing their bodies together and then kissing the crook of Sirius's neck.
"Course you do, it's my specialty. Everyone appreciates the Sirius Black Special." Sirius sets the spoon down and then turns in Remus's arms before kissing Remus lightly across the lips. "I'll miss this."
"So have I," Remus answers absently. He's fixated on the way that he can feel Sirius pressing insistently against his trousers. Sirius's hands are on his shoulders and then gliding down his back to grip his arse, forcing their cocks even closer. It all distracts him from everything but the need sweeping over him.
"Fucking need you," Sirius growls before biting Remus's neck. "Fucking need you more than almost anything else."
"I'm here, take me," Remus soothes and then they're tugging at clothes, hands are touching and mouths… the kissing is more than they've ever had before. It's hot and needy, the want is stronger than it ever was even at the beginning and their first frantic kiss. Sirius is more aggressive than ever, too, biting hard enough to mark and draw blood.
"Can't forget this, can't ever leave this behind," Sirius says before ripping Remus's shirt open the rest of the way and then latching on to Remus's chest just over his nipple.
"You don't have to, I'm here," Remus soothes once again; his hands and mouth are gentler than Sirius's. It's obvious that there's more going on here and Remus wonders if, perhaps, Sirius has finally made his decision. From the way that Sirius is so insistent on staying with Remus, it's obvious that he's chosen Remus over his family and Voldemort. Relief sweeps over him and his hands turn more frantic, as well.
"Bedroom, Sirius, before we ruin the table," Remus insists and they don't stop touching and sucking and licking and kissing and touching as they walk back towards the bedroom and then land on the bed.
A quick spell and Remus stretches just in time for Sirius to slide into him. They're facing one another and it's like time has stopped just for them. It's only been a few weeks, not long at all considering how long they've known one another, but those few weeks were more than Remus ever thought they'd go without touching. This moment means more than just the toofullalmostenough feeling of Sirius inside of him. This moment means that Sirius has, once and for all, turned his back on everything in his past, that he's chosen his family and that it's Remus, James, Lily, Harry and Peter.
"Love you, love you so much," Remus pants as he reaches up a hand to brush the long hair off of Sirius's face. Sirius snarls and then kisses Remus, their mutual need too much for words. In that kiss, with all that heat and possessiveness, Remus can tell that this is Sirius's way of saying that he loves Remus just as much as Remus loves Sirius.
His orgasm explodes over him and he comes without Sirius ever touching his cock. He cries out, bucking up and into Sirius's hips and Sirius pumps one, two, three more times and then cries out as well. After Sirius collapses onto him, Remus lays there and rubs soothing circles on the small of Sirius's back. He doesn't complain about the way that he's sticky and wet from sweat and other things not bearing thinking over. Instead, he continues to let his hands roam while he breathes in the scent of Sirius and sex together. It's his favourite scent of all time and –
"Your bag's in the armoire. I've already packed it. Your books and such, I'll send over to the Longbottoms' later." Sirius's voice – cold and unyielding – comes as he pushes himself off of Remus.
"Pardon?" Remus gapes as Sirius walks, completely naked, towards the loo.
"I called the Longbottoms and they said you could stay with them. I'll send the rest of your few things over tomorrow."
"What?" Remus gapes further as Sirius turns and stares from the doorway.
"If their offer isn't good enough, just let them know where you'll be staying and I'll have your things sent."
"Are you breaking up with me?" Remus asks, completely gobsmacked.
"And everyone says I'm the dumb one and you're the smart one. Get out. I can't stand the sight of you." With that, Sirius shuts the door of the loo behind him.
Remus, numb and lost, dresses and then grabs the bag Sirius has packed. He hasn't a clue what just happened and it's fairly obvious that Sirius isn't willing to give any answers.
and eight eight I forget what eight was for
For just a moment, while Sirius wanders the flat aimlessly with the scent of burnt food in his nose, he forgets why he ended it with Remus. He forgets everything but the way that his heart twists and turns in his chest, the way that he wants to reach out a hand and touch Remus, make him stop before he reaches the doorway.
"I'll be at my mother's. You can send my things there," Remus says and then looks over his shoulder at Sirius with such need in his eyes that Sirius's heart shrivels and dies right there from the pain of it.
He's being unbelievably cruel and that isn't like him at all. Regulus was, is right. He's always been better at torture than Regulus could ever have conceived. His treatment of Remus is proof positive of that.
Remus walks through the door without another look. When the door shuts, Sirius can hear the sound of prison all over again.
and nine nine nine for the lost gods
Peter's place is empty – completely barren and empty. There's no sign that anyone had lived there. Sirius's heart thumps so loud that he swears it echoes off the walls. It abruptly stops as he realises.
He's a fool.
He runs out to his motorcycle and takes off. When he gets there, Hagrid's holding Harry. Even after Sirius pleads with him, he refuses to turn the boy over. Harry's sobbing like there's no tomorrow and all Sirius wants to do is hold on to him.
"Betrayed, someone betrayed them," Hagrid moans as he holds on to Harry.
Hagrid's right. Someone had betrayed them and that someone is standing right in front of him. He'd betrayed not just the Potters but Remus, too. It had never been Remus. It had always been Peter. Brainless, gormless Peter had found just enough bravery to betray his best friends.
Rage and grief twist into a white-hot emotional fire that fuels him into tossing the keys to the motorcycle at Hagrid and then Apparating without another word. He has two stops to make. One to kill that fucking rat. The other to throw himself on Remus's mercy and explain about the conversations and the way he'd distrusted and betrayed Remus when he'd been trying to fix everything and keep everyone safe. The first shouldn't take long at all while the second would probably take a lifetime.
ten ten ten ten for everything everything everything
"What the hell are you doing?" Sirius demands as his voice rises over the yelling all around him. This isn't happening, it can't be happening. He's innocent, fucking innocent of everything. It can't be that the Aurors are grabbing on to his arms and pulling him away. He doesn't even get a trial? What sort of shite is this? The world doesn't work this way, he's been fighting for justice for everyone, equal treatment and fairness and… and they're taking him away to Azkaban without a trial. He pleads, "Remus! Remus! Tell them! Tell them, come on, mate, tell them! Tell them that Peter was the Secret Keeper! Tell them that it was Peter that killed James and Lily!"
There's only the gruff unforgiving pull of the Aurors as they drag him to the Floo before the final clang of the prison door.
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Date: 2008-07-15 09:54 pm (UTC)you should be impressed!
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Date: 2008-07-16 01:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-16 01:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-16 01:28 am (UTC)YAY for thinky thoughts. I am definitely interested in them :)
This is such a lovely fic. I'm not familiar with your style, so I can't obviously pick out what you may have done differently. The first time I read it, Sirius telling Remus to get out seemed to come out of nowhere, and my initial thought was that you hadn't prepared the audience for it.
But on my re-reads, there are all these perfect little hints all the way through, like this one especially:
"I'll miss this."
"So have I," Remus answers absently.
So that even though there is all of this foreshadowing before the hammer comes down, I was just as stunned as Remus when it did, the first time I read this.
Well done!
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Date: 2008-07-16 01:35 am (UTC)In the end, it was the song lyrics that really messed up a lot of people. I never use song lyrics but I couldn't quite resist mixing it up.
Sirius telling Remus to get out was supposed to feel like it came out of nowhere but that little exchange that you quoted, that is probably the most important exchange in the fic when it comes to foreshadowing. When I sent it off into the review process, I had one person come back to me that it was a tense shift and I needed to fix it. So I knew that it was beyond subtle. I'm heartened that you picked up on it.
I wanted people to be stunned and gobsmacked, possibly inhale and go OMGNO. I like to think that I've accomplished that (trying not to sound egotistical here but I think I failed miserably).
Thanks so much!!!
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Date: 2008-07-16 01:42 am (UTC)That, and how Remus thinks about how Sirius is acting the way he does before he meets Regulus -- someone else that Sirius loves, but feels betrayed by.
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Date: 2008-07-16 06:36 am (UTC)They're definitely sliding towards that break from the second that you start reading. I tried for a subtle build up and, to repeat myself, I think I went a bit too subtle for the vast majority of it. I'm glad that you pointed out my fave areas :D.
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Date: 2008-07-16 02:14 am (UTC)This was the best fic from our team, IMO, I loved every bit of it.
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Date: 2008-07-16 06:38 am (UTC)and *blush* you are far too too kind. OOOHHH!!!! AND!!!! I need to email you about something! *makes mental note of it*
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Date: 2008-07-19 06:38 pm (UTC)"I'll miss this."
"So have I," Remus answers absently.
Oh, I could see something awful coming and I still wasn't prepared for how completely cold and heartbreaking it was!
Brilliant!
xxx