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janicechess's birthday. In honor of her birthday, I have written cracked-out crap just for her. Actually, her cat, Cleo, made me.
Title: Icee's Cat writes Carpe Draco
Author:moi Cleo
Rating: PG-13 (damn you humans for not explaining everything!)
Pairing: eventual Harry/Dracoif the female human would ever leave me alone for fifteen minutes
Warnings: Crack (did I mention this was crack? Cause it is.) In fact, it's probably poorly written crack.
Summary: Draco wakes up a magical creature and finds his one true love in the Great Hall.or he would if the female human would leave her computer for any length of time so I can finish this. Also, it would be much easier to write if she would just get a cat friendly keyboard. These keys are far too close together for my paws to be able to type faster than ten words a minute.
Author's Note: Many thanks to my betas and to the humanpickers. I don't know any Britishcats people so this hasn't been britpicked.
The cat (if it were able) twisted its paws together and left out a maniacal laugh. Today, she would write out the ultimate, nay, the penultimate fanfiction ever. She could feel the creativity pulsing through her body, words flowing in time with her heartbeat (180 beats per minute) and she knew that today was the day that she wrote the story that got her the coveted BNF status she had been striving for for at least a month.
Carpe Draco, that was her motto for today for she would have Draco Malfoy, Sex God of Slytherin, wearing his leather pants and doing the Macarena. She'd scoured the internet while her people were away and she'd gone to all of the fan archives and had yet to find a story with the Macarena featured in it.
She wasn't going to write one of those run-of-the-mill stories where Draco walked around in Wizarding Robes, skulking about trying to save his mummy or whatever other stupid plot clichés that the so-called "authors" liked to use. Oh no, she was going back to basics.
Draco Malfoy was going to turn on his Veela charms – or Nyx, she couldn't really decide and thought the story would tell her which one at the time – and Harry Potter was going to fall madly in love with him. In fact, he was going to be so helpless in the face of leather pants and Veela – or Nyx – sex appeal that there was simply no way that Harry Potter wouldn't just drop his trousers and pants right there in the Great Hall and shag Draco Malfoy sideways, frontways, backways and, um, whatever other ways that she'd read about on the gay porn sites that she'd found and her owner had been so perplexed about in her internet browser history.
No more of this namblypambly worrying about canon compliance – why one would want to comply with a cannon rather than just sleep on it, the cat simply couldn't understand – and the lack of actual sex at Hogwarts. She was going to take risks that her owner wasn't willing, nay, wasn't capable of.
With dainty clicks of her claws – declawing cats was cruel and she was quite glad that her owner hadn't been that cruel even if she had tried to shut down the computer a few of the mornings she'd left – she opened up Word and started her story.
Draco Malfoy strutted into the Entrance Hall of Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry in his dragon leather pants, thigh high patent dragon leather boots gleaming in the candlelight, and white ruffled poet's shirt, to the cheers of his fellow Slytherins. Pansy Parkinson swooned as he shook hisassarse while walking past. Blaise Zabini shook out herhis long blondeblack hair and then knelt, tossing his robes over a puddle that that incompetent Squib Filch hadn't mopped up yet.
Draco held out a hand to accept Blaise's tribute. The black Slytherin didn't disappoint as he kissed the blond Slytherin's hand before nuzzlingher his face against Draco's upper thigh.
Crabbe and Goyle walked behind Draco, one on each side, as they cracked their knuckles threateningly and glared menacingly at everyone that was around Draco.
"What're we going to do today, Boss?" The bloated Slytherins asked as they shook out their hands to crack their knuckles again.
"Take over the world!" Draco cried out ecstatically before lifting his hands and causing thunder to rain down from the sky. Author's Note: Check with betas about whether thunder can rain or if I have to actually have rain coming down from the sky as well. Can you have thunder without rain or lightening/lightning?
"Right, Boss!" The mentally challenged duo agreedvorciferouslyvoraciouslyvehemently with a lot of excitement. Author's Note: Do you think humans are stupid enough to think I made this up? Make a post the humanpickers at www.catsrulehumansdrool.com.
Draco sauntered while flipping his long luxurious blonde hair over one shoulder and then the other. Everyone they passed stopped in their tracks as the threesomeAuthor's Note: not threesome, it sounds like Goyle, Crabbe and Draco are shagging and the only thing worse is to have creepy Colin Creevey taking photos. With a great meow, Draco stepped through the hastily flung-open doors and the entire Great Hall stopped, stared and swooned.
Harry Potter dashed over from the Gryffindor table, fell to his knees and begged, "Make me your mate, oh great sex god of Slytherin! I wish to be yours and only yours and, perhaps someday, I can have your children and deliver them on a dais in front of thousands of other nyxes or veelas or whatever the hell magical creature you are today!"
"If we're going to be tied together for all of eternity, you better know how to give a blowjob." Draco said dramatically as he cupped his monstrous and meaty erection lasciviously. Author's note: Read other fanfiction to figure out what a blowjob is and how one does it. Look up definition of lasciviously as well. It sounds good but erotically might go better.
Harry Potter undid Draco's belt and then his…
The cat cursed as the front door opened. The darn humans were home already and she hadn't finished her sex scene. She gave a ferocious meow and barely hit save before the female human came in to check on her computer.
"Oh look, she's looking at the computer again! Isn't that cute? Mrchess! Come look, the cat's reading fanfiction again!"
The male human muttered something that even with her fantastic cat hearing, the cat couldn't discern. Meowing indignantly, the cat allowed herself to be picked up and moved away from her Great Fanfiction Novella that was going to have fifty six – or was it eighty nine? – parts that she'd found approximately seventy two different groups to post it to all at the same time.
She would just have to wait until tomorrow. Tomorrow, she would Carpe Draco!
FINITO FOR NOW
Happy birthday, Icee. I hope you got a chuckle out of what your cat made me do under threat of sleeping on my head when I come to visit.
janicechess's birthday. In honor of her birthday, I have written cracked-out crap just for her. Actually, her cat, Cleo, made me.Title: Icee's Cat writes Carpe Draco
Author:
Rating: PG-13 (damn you humans for not explaining everything!)
Pairing: eventual Harry/Draco
Warnings: Crack (did I mention this was crack? Cause it is.) In fact, it's probably poorly written crack.
Summary: Draco wakes up a magical creature and finds his one true love in the Great Hall.
Author's Note: Many thanks to my betas and to the humanpickers. I don't know any British
The cat (if it were able) twisted its paws together and left out a maniacal laugh. Today, she would write out the ultimate, nay, the penultimate fanfiction ever. She could feel the creativity pulsing through her body, words flowing in time with her heartbeat (180 beats per minute) and she knew that today was the day that she wrote the story that got her the coveted BNF status she had been striving for for at least a month.
Carpe Draco, that was her motto for today for she would have Draco Malfoy, Sex God of Slytherin, wearing his leather pants and doing the Macarena. She'd scoured the internet while her people were away and she'd gone to all of the fan archives and had yet to find a story with the Macarena featured in it.
She wasn't going to write one of those run-of-the-mill stories where Draco walked around in Wizarding Robes, skulking about trying to save his mummy or whatever other stupid plot clichés that the so-called "authors" liked to use. Oh no, she was going back to basics.
Draco Malfoy was going to turn on his Veela charms – or Nyx, she couldn't really decide and thought the story would tell her which one at the time – and Harry Potter was going to fall madly in love with him. In fact, he was going to be so helpless in the face of leather pants and Veela – or Nyx – sex appeal that there was simply no way that Harry Potter wouldn't just drop his trousers and pants right there in the Great Hall and shag Draco Malfoy sideways, frontways, backways and, um, whatever other ways that she'd read about on the gay porn sites that she'd found and her owner had been so perplexed about in her internet browser history.
No more of this namblypambly worrying about canon compliance – why one would want to comply with a cannon rather than just sleep on it, the cat simply couldn't understand – and the lack of actual sex at Hogwarts. She was going to take risks that her owner wasn't willing, nay, wasn't capable of.
With dainty clicks of her claws – declawing cats was cruel and she was quite glad that her owner hadn't been that cruel even if she had tried to shut down the computer a few of the mornings she'd left – she opened up Word and started her story.
Draco Malfoy strutted into the Entrance Hall of Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry in his dragon leather pants, thigh high patent dragon leather boots gleaming in the candlelight, and white ruffled poet's shirt, to the cheers of his fellow Slytherins. Pansy Parkinson swooned as he shook his
Draco held out a hand to accept Blaise's tribute. The black Slytherin didn't disappoint as he kissed the blond Slytherin's hand before nuzzling
Crabbe and Goyle walked behind Draco, one on each side, as they cracked their knuckles threateningly and glared menacingly at everyone that was around Draco.
"What're we going to do today, Boss?" The bloated Slytherins asked as they shook out their hands to crack their knuckles again.
"Take over the world!" Draco cried out ecstatically before lifting his hands and causing thunder to rain down from the sky. Author's Note: Check with betas about whether thunder can rain or if I have to actually have rain coming down from the sky as well. Can you have thunder without rain or lightening/lightning?
"Right, Boss!" The mentally challenged duo agreed
Draco sauntered while flipping his long luxurious blond
Harry Potter dashed over from the Gryffindor table, fell to his knees and begged, "Make me your mate, oh great sex god of Slytherin! I wish to be yours and only yours and, perhaps someday, I can have your children and deliver them on a dais in front of thousands of other nyxes or veelas or whatever the hell magical creature you are today!"
"If we're going to be tied together for all of eternity, you better know how to give a blowjob." Draco said dramatically as he cupped his monstrous and meaty erection lasciviously. Author's note: Read other fanfiction to figure out what a blowjob is and how one does it. Look up definition of lasciviously as well. It sounds good but erotically might go better.
Harry Potter undid Draco's belt and then his…
The cat cursed as the front door opened. The darn humans were home already and she hadn't finished her sex scene. She gave a ferocious meow and barely hit save before the female human came in to check on her computer.
"Oh look, she's looking at the computer again! Isn't that cute? Mrchess! Come look, the cat's reading fanfiction again!"
The male human muttered something that even with her fantastic cat hearing, the cat couldn't discern. Meowing indignantly, the cat allowed herself to be picked up and moved away from her Great Fanfiction Novella that was going to have fifty six – or was it eighty nine? – parts that she'd found approximately seventy two different groups to post it to all at the same time.
She would just have to wait until tomorrow. Tomorrow, she would Carpe Draco!
Happy birthday, Icee. I hope you got a chuckle out of what your cat made me do under threat of sleeping on my head when I come to visit.
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no subject
Date: 2007-05-03 10:09 pm (UTC)Heh heh heh. No wonder she was so annoyed at me when I came home today! I'm sorry my cat is so bossy. She loves her fanon Draco, ya know.
♥ Thank you for writing this! Er, I mean for transcribing it for the cat. Yeah. You're the best. :D
♥ x ∞
no subject
Date: 2007-05-03 10:10 pm (UTC)why one would want to comply with a cannon rather than just sleep on it
Ha. Seriously, if my cat could talk, she would say things like that. And the other cat would be like, "What's a cannon? Can I eat it?"
no subject
Date: 2007-05-07 08:32 pm (UTC)I'm really glad that you liked this as it made me giggle to write. I kept imagining your expression when you read it.
no subject
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этот забитый конь раздрачивает дупло деревянным пенисом. Во всяком случае, стукач-питух духанен бреет очко каждый день. Как, вы не знали, что гомосек-духанен открыто признается в этом!? С чем его и поздравляю. гомосек-духанен дрессированная собака. Люди, кто чего знает про то, как гомосек-духанен бреет очко каждый день? Люди, кто чего знает про то, как униженай в рот и оскорбленай в жеппу духанен открыто признается в этом?
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no subject
Date: 2007-05-04 01:30 am (UTC)Um. Anyway... at least the text is gone now. :\
no subject
Date: 2007-05-04 04:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-07 08:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-04 09:36 pm (UTC)I'll cheerfully Britpick for you any time :-)
no subject
Date: 2007-05-07 08:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-06 05:42 pm (UTC)Gah! Wonderful, hysterical crack! I am hoping even now that my own cats don't manage to see this. Taj, with all his extra toes and claws, could defintely type. *laughs*
no subject
Date: 2007-05-07 08:31 pm (UTC)Mine's up and down all the time and I end up having to go sneakeh during the day at work so I can have stable internet.
Taj probably writes leatherpants!draco as well. You should check your internet browsing history :)