wook77: (Mary Blue Draco)
[personal profile] wook77
Title: Coffee
Author: [livejournal.com profile] wook77
Rating: PG
Characters: Draco, Pansy, Goyle (implications of H/D)
Wordcount: 2197
Warnings: Angst
Excerpt in lieu of a summary: The coffee was hot in his cup as Draco stared down at it blankly. He didn't even like coffee and he was unsure of how it even ended up in front of him. But, there it was, steaming hot and in his pure white mug. Considering that he was the only one in the flat, he was the one that had to have prepared the coffee. The process and the actions, though, were not in his memory.
A/N: Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] anael and [livejournal.com profile] wildegirl_05 for the hand holding and beta jobs. Also, this song was inspired by "I just can't get over you" by Colin Hays off the Garden State soundtrack. It works fairly well to have that song on loop when reading. Finally - this is also for the AWDT prompt of "you don't need clothes for this".





The coffee was hot in his cup as Draco stared down at it blankly. He didn't even like coffee and he was unsure of how it even ended up in front of him. But, there it was, steaming hot and in his pure white mug. Considering that he was the only one in the flat, he was the one that had to have prepared the coffee. The process and the actions, though, were not in his memory.

His memory was getting worse, he decided. His observational skills had dropped to below sub-standard. He was going to end up getting himself killed one of these days.

That last thought made him bark with laughter before sobering enough to take a sip. It still tasted as bitter as he remembered but at least it was warm. That was more than he could say for either the flat or himself. He'd forgotten to light a fire or turn up the heat. The chill in the air, though, was nothing compared to the chill that permeated his body.

Shaking off his morose thoughts, Draco stood up, rinsed out the cup before resting it in the drainer next to the sink and then made his way to the bedroom. When he got there, he stripped off the ratty flannel pajyama pants. Absentmindedly scratching his balls with one hand, Draco grabbed for the pair of cotton pants that rested, folded in precise squares, on top of the rest of his laundry piled up on a chair in the corner of his room.

The pants were soon followed by a pair of denim jeans, a little too wide in the hip and a little too short in the leg. A t-shirt then followed those jeans, its imprint worn away by the years and constant wearing, was pulled on by rote. As he left the bedroom, he slid his feet into the first pair of shoes that matched.

His path took him through the narrow hallway, empty nails still stuck in the walls, before he went through the main room. His eyes didn't look at the dust build-up on the coffee table, the empty spots on the walls where the white paint looked a little fresher than the rest of the walls or at the holes in the bookshelves. Instead, he focused on the door, casually reaching out a hand to swipe his keys as he passed, his steps never breaking their rhythm.

The door clicked softly behind him.

~~**~~

His day passed quickly and if one were to ask him what he did, he would have stared blankly at you in response. He wouldn't have been able to tell anyone that he sat on a park bench, the third one in on the right along the second path from the first entrance into the park. This was the bench he sat at every day, after the cup of coffee he never remembered making until the sun set. He never saw the people walk past, had no memory of the birds that twittered next to him and possessed even less recollection of his thoughts.

When the sun started to drop below the buildings that towered over him, Draco would stand up and give one last glance at the bench before walking back to his flat. The door always opened with the fourth key on the ring, the one with the rubber band around it, and it would always close with a soft click. He would walk back past the bookshelves with their blank spaces, the walls with their varying whiteness and avoid the nails sticking out. He would kick off his shoes haphazardly, peel off the t-shirt, dropp the jeans and leave them where they lay, pull off his pants and tug the flannel pyjama bottoms back up his hips.

His path in the evening always took him through the hallway and back into the kitchen. He would fry some eggs. On his good days, he would have a slice or two of toast that was cut precisely into triangles along with the eggs. When Pansy would make her rare visits, Draco would be forced to eat curry or some other takeaway.

Fried egg in front of him with no toast apparent, Draco stared blankly down at the food. He briefly made note of the crack in the Formica finish on the cheap card table before he grabbed his fork. The bite of egg went into his mouth where he chewed it fifteen times of equal pressure before swallowing. The process repeated until the egg was gone and he walked over to the sink where he would rinse the plate and fork and then place it in the draining rack.

That completed, Draco made his way back to the bedroom where he lay on top of the blankets and slept.

~~**~~

His days were monotony. Every day he did the same routine, traced the exact same steps and didn't think of things that were better left in the past.

If there were days that he wished he could speak to that past, he ignored the thoughts. He was happy with the way his life was.

~~**~~

He was sitting with Pansy for her bi-weekly visit. The flannel pajymas were loose around his hips while his ribs jutted out in stark contrast. The conversation had died, like it always did, after the initial pleasantries. Draco wasn't sure if he liked her visits or not. She always stared at him with those sad eyes. She also kept him from his visit to the park.

Two cups of coffee steamed on the table, one across from the other, as Pansy stared at Draco and Draco stared at the coffee. The silence wasn't comfortable but it wasn't uncomfortable either. It just was as it dragged along.

"Harry." With that one word, Pansy shattered the rhythm and routine, the calmness and the imposed serenity. The table started shaking as the coffee burbled over the sides before the mugs, one a stark white and the other a deep midnight blue, shattered. Hot liquid sprayed everywhere, hitting Pansy on the face and dotting her pink pantsuit.

Draco's gaze never left the place where his white mug had sat as the plate on the draining rack shattered and the cabinet doors swung open and shut, banging loudly. Draco didn't see Pansy hurry around the table to stand next to him. He didn't feel her fingernails with their French manicure dig into his cheeks as she pulled his face to look at her.

"Harry." Abruptly the doors stopped their banging. The sudden silence enveloped the room as Draco stood, pulling his face out of Pansy's tight grip, and made his way through the empty hallway to the bedroom. He lay on top of the blankets. He didn't see Pansy following him until she stood in the doorway. He didn't see her hesitate before crossing the threshold. He didn't see her pick her way through the piles of clothing and shoes. He didn't see her standing in front of him as he blankly stared ahead. He didn't feel the bed dip as she sat on the edge. He didn't feel the soft glide of a hand through his hair and down his arm.

"You have to deal with it. It's been a year, Draco. A year of you not saying more than three words to me and living in this filth." Draco didn't react, even when Pansy once more gripped his face painfully tight, leaving crescent shaped marks on his cheeks with her nails.

"Harry." Draco's eyes finally looked out at Pansy. "Oh, Draco."

With a muffled cry, Draco thrust forward until his head was ensconced in Pansy's lap.

~~**~~

The coffee was hot in his cup as Draco stared down at it blankly. He didn't even like coffee and he was unsure of how it even ended up in front of him. But, there it was, steaming hot and in his pure white mug. Considering that there were two other people in the house, either of them could have made it and placed it in front of him.

The sound of hammering filled the air while the smell of paint filled his nostrils. There was muted conversation coming from the main room. Draco ignored all of it as he stood and took his mug to the sink where he rinsed it out before placing it in the draining rack. He then threaded through the chaos in the hallway as Greg Goyle pulled the nails that stuck out, their pictures gone.

When he reached the bedroom, he pushed down the flannel pajamas, his left thumb getting caught in a small hole. He grabbed a pair of pants, folded precisely in squares, and pulled them on before grabbing a pair jeans that were a little too wide in the hips and a little too short in the legs. The worn t-shirt was next and then Draco slipped on a pair of shoes as he left the bedroom.

He avoided Greg once more before entering the main room, his eyes not seeing Pansy painting the walls nor the rearranged bookshelves, their holes hidden by strategic arrangements. Without saying a word, Draco snagged his keys and left the flat.

The door closed with a soft click behind him.

~~**~~

His day passed quickly and if one were to ask him what he did, he would have stared blankly at you in response. He wouldn't have been able to tell anyone that he sat on a park bench, the third one in on the right along the second path from the first entrance into the park. This was the bench he sat at, every day, until the sun went down.

"I'm wearing your shirt, you know." The words came out conversationally and the bird sitting next to Draco twittered.

"Pansy says I need to get something new to wear. I don't know what she means. You don't need clothes for this." The bird twittered again.

"She doesn't understand but I forgive her for that. She doesn't understand." Draco didn't look either left or right. Instead, he stared straight ahead, his hands folded calmly in his lap.

When the sun had set, Draco stood and made his way back to his flat. He didn't notice Pansy and Greg sitting on the sofa as he walked through the main room before pulling the t-shirt over his head, shucking the jeans and the pants before pulling on the flannel pajama bottoms.

He didn't hear their muted conversation as he went to bed without dinner.

~~**~~

The coffee was hot in his cup as Draco stared down at it blankly. He didn't grimace as he took careful sips out of the pure white mug even though the bitter taste wasn't to his liking. After he finished it, he stood and rinsed out the cup before placing it into the draining rack.

From there, he went to the bedroom where he slipped off the flannel pajama bottoms, his fingers catching in a hole at the hip. He crossed the room to the dresser where he pulled out a pair of pants, folded precisely into squares. After they skimmed up his legs, he pulled on the gray trousers followed by a blue cowl-necked sweater. Without pausing as he left the bedroom, he stepped into a pair of shoes.

His path took him along the hallway where the nails had disappeared and into the main room with its matching white walls. He didn't pause to look at the dustless surfaces or the bookcases with their contents artfully arranged. Instead, his steps didn't falter when he reached out to swipe his keys.

The door closed with a soft click behind him.

~~**~~

His day passed quickly and if one were to ask him what he did, he would have stared blankly at you in response. He wouldn't have been able to tell you that the sight of a couple sitting at his park bench had shattered him. He wouldn't have been able to tell you that he finally broke down and cried, crouched down with his hands over his head and rocking back and forth. He wouldn't have been able to tell you that his mewls sounded like a wounded animal and that he found himself unable to stand and find another park bench because that was his park bench. It was their park bench.

The sun set as Draco continued to rock and cry, his legs locked in position by their cramps. Pansy's hand was soft on his hair as she pulled first one hand and then another from his head. Draco didn't pause in his rocking as she knelt and took him into her arms. Instead, she rocked with him, soothing murmuring nonsensical words coming out her mouth.

His mewls and cries slowed before stopping. Pansy pulled him to his feet and Draco followed blindly. When they entered the flat, they went past the main room, through the hallway and into the bedroom. By rote, Draco shucked the t-shirt, the jeans and the pants before pulling on the flannel pajamas.

~~**~~

The tea was hot in his cup as Draco stared down at it blankly.

Date: 2006-03-18 05:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] best-of-five.livejournal.com
awwww....i don't know that i had much to do with how great this turned out. but it is teh b'ful.

le sigh

Date: 2006-03-18 04:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wook77.livejournal.com
You held my hand and kept me from being supper *wibbly* of course.

*hugs* ♥

Date: 2006-03-18 05:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aluinnsearlait.livejournal.com
There are no words for how poignant and heartbreaking this is -- the pain of it literally took my breath away.

a beautiful piece.

Date: 2006-03-18 04:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wook77.livejournal.com
I'm, err, sorry about the breath-taking thing but I'm also really glad you liked it!

It was something that popped into my head while I was trying to write something else.

♥ Thanks!

Date: 2006-03-18 08:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] anansay.livejournal.com
I seem to be on some angst trip, or something. All these angst fics coming at me left right and center.

I'll admit I walked by this one a few times--the 'G' rating not interesting me. But then something made me read it. And I'm glad I did.

I really like the repetition; it really works here. And the slight differences make it so that it's not "repetitive", as strange as that may sound.

I can really see Draco's mental degradation. I can feel his two-dimensional state of flatness. It's the repetitions that do that. It's a great literary device when used properly and you DO. It's great in this piece.

Congratulations.

Date: 2006-03-18 04:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wook77.livejournal.com
I'm personally having issues writing anything else but angst. I've just been in a "make the boys hurt" type mood lately.

I'm glad you decided to give it a try. I was afraid that the repetition was going to be annoying instead of a "device". I'm really really glad that it works for you.

YAY, thanks!!!

Date: 2006-03-29 02:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] anansay.livejournal.com
Not annoying at all. It really does work.

My forte is angst, it seems. Unless I'm giddy, than it just seems stupid. Heh.

Date: 2006-03-18 11:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] original-lie.livejournal.com
owwies. I should tell you a lil secret... I've been avoiding angst like the plague in the past few days (which is sublimely odd for moi who breathes angst like it's air) BUT (and that's a big but), I had, had, had to read this ('cause you wrote it, and well... it's you). :( I even put the song on you know, and the burning lump is back (it hurts). So, I think I'm going to try and push those tears brimming away - and try to find my happy.

Translation: OMG I LOVE YOU!!!!! That was freaking amazing. It hurts to read it, but it's okay, 'cause it's the good hurt. *squee* Poor lil dragon needs... well I'd say a hug, but I think only a hug from Harry would help... so dragon needs his Harry. :( Poor Dragon. *snuggles teh wook 'cause she's awesome* lurved is m'sweet. *mwah*

Date: 2006-03-18 04:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wook77.livejournal.com
I'm really really glad you liked this. Poor [livejournal.com profile] wildegirl_05 had to hold my hand as I wrote it cause I wasn't really sure on this one.

It really came out of nowhere as well. I was trying to write my muppets crossover story and this song came on, I put it on repeat and finished it up.

Date: 2006-03-18 04:21 pm (UTC)
ext_17435: (harry draco sometimes I want you to touc)
From: [identity profile] incapricious.livejournal.com
Oh god now I'm depressed.
That was really well done, the repetition of certain things was very effective.

I was wondering though ... the way I read this was that he was, by the end, starting to heal. I mean, he put on different clothes and he cried and he was drinking tea. So that's a good sign, right? I like how his friends were there for him.

And also I like how you had the empty places on the shelves and the empty places on the wall, so we know Harry left and didn't die. Slightly lower on the angst scale, that.

Date: 2006-03-18 04:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wook77.livejournal.com
I'm glad you liked it!

I like to think that he did start healing a bit.

but um, not to burst your bubble but when I was writing this, I pictured Pansy coming in and removing as much of Harry as possible so Draco could possibly heal cause, I, err, saw him dying.

But...you know me and leaving details ambiguous. If you want him to just be a callous bastard and leave draco to suffer (*evil eye at the icee*), then you can have that.

Date: 2006-03-18 04:42 pm (UTC)
ext_17435: (Default)
From: [identity profile] incapricious.livejournal.com
*bubble completely burst*

Date: 2006-03-19 12:13 am (UTC)

Date: 2006-03-18 05:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] accioboytoy.livejournal.com
This is one of the saddest things I think I've ever read.

It's easy enough to make people squee, but much harder to make them ache...fantastic job.

Date: 2006-03-19 12:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wook77.livejournal.com
Thanks. Like I said above in a couple replies... they came out of right field. This song always has this habit of getting me a bit down in the dumps and, out of nowhere, I just had to write this.

I'm glad you've enjoyed!

Date: 2006-03-18 06:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] waterbird.livejournal.com
That was lovely. And so heartbreaking. You did a great job of portraying just how numb Draco is after losing Harry. The support he receives from his friends is touching and the scene when Pansy first speaks Harry's name and Draco loses control of his magic was great. And then, It was their park bench. That line packs a lot of punch.

Date: 2006-03-19 12:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wook77.livejournal.com
I'm very glad you liked it. It is quite a sad piece.

It's the simplest things that can affect a person.

Anyway, I'm glad you liked it! Thanks for letting me know!

Date: 2006-03-19 08:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] waterbird.livejournal.com
Just thought you'd like to know that this piece has stayed with me: When I woke up this morning (before seeing your reply), one of the first things I thought of was this line:

"I'm wearing your shirt, you know."

I like how it's the first of only a few lines that Draco speaks in the whole piece, and that when he does speak, it is to Harry.

Date: 2006-03-19 04:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wook77.livejournal.com
wow. What a compliment. I've had a really rough weekend and to have that comment sitting in my inbox was just amazing.

Thank you so much!

Date: 2006-04-05 07:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] waterbird.livejournal.com
Hi again! I just wanted to let you know that I added a quote from this fic to [livejournal.com profile] hpficquotes, an LJ community I started a while ago. I still find myself thinking about this piece, weeks later!

If you think the quote I selected is too spoilery or anything let me know and I'll replace it.

And if you're cool with it and want to pimp the site that would be great! I know almost everyone collects quotes, and I'd love to see the comm grow.

Cheers!

Date: 2006-03-18 08:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jehnt.livejournal.com
*wails*

*stops wailing to contemplate how she's glad she didn't read this last night*

*wails again*

Thar she bloooooooows! Nevermind. I'm having wails/whales issues atm.

Ugh, so well done with the heart-breakingness and the repetition (which you pulled off well, yay) and wah, but I want to believe Harry is alive SO BADLY and will soon come to his senses and realize oh he likes Draco AFTER ALL. Sadly, I think that's not what you meant. Poor Draco! But in my heart, I know he's going to heal emotionally and then have awkward sex with Goyle. Or something. Sorry this comment is so scattered. My brain is frantically trying to counteract the sadness with ... whales, apparently.

(Also, psst, typo on the last occasion of "The door closed with s soft click behind him.")

Date: 2006-03-19 12:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wook77.livejournal.com
see, yeah, I told ya you didn't want to read this last night. It is sad and stuff.

I'm really glad you thought I pulled the repetition off well. I wasn't sure if it would get annoying or not. I liked it but you can never tell about other people's taste cause, well, they're other people *winks*.

I actually envision Pansy and Goyle together so no awkward sex in my imagination, at least.

Thanks for pointing out the typo...

Date: 2006-03-19 01:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jehnt.livejournal.com
Too bad about the Goyle thing. If Crabbe's not dead, Draco can have awkward sex with him. Sadly, I suspect Crabbe bit the dust. Oh noes! Draco will have to find solace in the arms of Ron, clearly. theirloveissoinevitable.

Date: 2006-03-19 04:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wook77.livejournal.com
must...gouge...out...brain...ron...draco...blech

Date: 2006-03-20 02:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yodels.livejournal.com
Oh, god yes! Draco will definitely fall into Ron's arms. I'm a secret R/D shipper. Shhh! Don't tell Wook, she'll kill me.

Date: 2006-03-19 04:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sugareey.livejournal.com
Oh my god. I was thisclose the crying my eyes out. That is so sad. *pets Draco* Gosh, that was really sad. But it was realllly good, mind you. Well done.

Date: 2006-03-19 10:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wearethestars.livejournal.com
I love this, but you know that.

The repetition is perfect and the imagery is amazing! Kudos, darlin'!

Date: 2006-03-19 11:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] the-suit-case.livejournal.com
Oh my. I don't have anything new to contribute, just reiterate what everyone else has said.

This is oh-so very lovely.

I really adore the repetition, which is odd, because it usually annoys me in ways I can't explain.

Err. Yes.

Date: 2006-03-20 02:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yodels.livejournal.com
Beautiful and sad, and really, really difficult to read. The simple gestures and the repetition work wonderfully together. Nicely done.

Date: 2006-03-25 10:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] enchanted-jae.livejournal.com
You made me cry!

Sorry it took so long to read this, but I'm mired in a backlog of fics. This is stunning in its simplicity. You know I'm not fond of angst, but this was exceptional, and I'm glad I read it.

...even if it did make me cry.

Date: 2006-03-29 05:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] haltlos.livejournal.com
I had tears in my eyes. Honestly.
This was so heart breaking and very well written. Awesome.
Pimping ths story. :)

Date: 2006-04-01 09:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cinnamon-sins.livejournal.com
Ummm....ummm...*wibbles* This was heart-breaking. I think I'll cry. It was so beautiful though and everything was written perfectly. Yeah, that's all I can say in lieu of an intelligent response. *continues to wibble*

Date: 2006-04-25 10:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bambu345.livejournal.com
[livejournal.com profile] snarkywench_64 suggested I read this, and I'm so glad I did. I loved the endless cycle of grief, and the superficial changes around him. I particularly liked subtlety of the empty spaces on the wall (clearly Harry isn't dead, just gone.)

The angst was nicely done, and one's heart cannot help but be crushed when Draco breaks down and cries.

Very, very nicely written.

Date: 2009-04-27 08:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cecilegrey.livejournal.com
Wow. Excellent fic. Oh, I adore it. It's going to stay on my mind for a while, I can tell.

Date: 2009-04-28 05:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wook77.livejournal.com
Oh wow. I have to tell you that I'd actually sort of forgotten about this story. I mean, it's in there, obviously, but whenever I think of my H/D works, I always think of the more recent ones.

I'm so beyond gleeful that you found this and commented, reminding me of just how much I really did (and, surprisingly enough, do) like this story. I look at so many of my older works and don't think they stand up. This one does.

So thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me to rediscover a story that I'd written and loved.

And if you don't mind my asking, how'd you hear about this one as it's almost 3 years old?

Date: 2009-04-28 02:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cecilegrey.livejournal.com
Believe it or not, I was in a mood for Draco/Hermione so I was hunting through people's memories for recs. The D/Hr fics were mostly disappointing, so I clicked a few Harry/Draco fics along the way. :) Can't go wrong with H/D!

I'm really delighted to have found a wonderful older H/D fic that I hadn't read yet. I figured I'd exhausted the ship by this point.

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