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wook77Title: Memories as a Teacup: Chapter 8
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
wook77
Pairing:: Dean/Seamus (other slash and het pairings contained within)
Rating: PG (Eventual rating: Hard R to NC-17)
100quills prompt: 43. Footsteps
Warnings: Canon compliant through DH. Pre-Epilogue. Additional Warnings at the beginning of Chapter 1.
Wordcount: Overall: ~70k This part: 4900
Summary: Four years ago, Dean Thomas died in the midst of a raid. Seamus saw it happen right in front of his eyes but seeing isn't believing and reality is in the eye of the beholder.
A/N: Many many thanks tonefernat for the beta job. All remaining mistakes are my own.
All Chapters
Dean wasn't at all sure how to handle what Dennis had revealed that night at dinner. He hadn't really suspected a thing as to Seamus's sexuality. Not that it mattered. It didn't, not in the least. Except for the possibilities, said a small voice in the back of his head. That was the part that Dean couldn't get over as he watched Seamus and wondered. Now that he knew that Seamus was interested in blokes, Dean couldn't stop thinking about it, wondering what those lips would feel like against his. For a week now, the images had swirled through his head and he couldn't think or concentrate.
He watched the way that Seamus gripped his cup of tea, the way his blunt fingers would hold on to it as if it held the answers to life. He watched the way Seamus watched him and that was where most of the images came from. Every time Seamus bumped into him or their fingers accidentally brushed while passing the salt at dinner or passing too close in the hallway, Dean felt a jolt deep into his gut and he'd jerk away.
There was no way he'd ruin what they had, though. They were mates again and he wasn't going to ruin that by acting on the possibilities that haunted him while he slept. When he woke, he could see that there was an awkwardness between them. Yet again. This waking up to dancing around one another was wearing on him. Entering the kitchen area, he accidentally brushed against Seamus and the warmth flooded his arm and he jerked back.
"That's enough, that's bloody well enough," Seamus said while Dean gaped. "You have a problem with me kissing blokes, then fucking well say so. I'm not going to just be jumping you while you sleep."
"What?" Dean boggled, completely unable to figure out where this ire came from.
"You think I don't get why you're pulling away every time we might just accidentally touch? I get it. I'm gay and you've a problem with that." Seamus turned and glared at Dean though Dean thought he could see that it wasn't anger. It was hurt.
"It's not that at all." Dean reached out and put a hand on Seamus's arm but Seamus shrugged his arm away from the touch. Dean touched Seamus's arm again. "It's not that. I'm just…"
"Just what?" This time, Dean could tell that it was entirely hurt being disguised as anger.
"I'm just absorbing things, is all. I don't care that you're gay, not when…" Dean took a breath, "Not when that'd be a mite hypocritical of me."
"You saying you're gay?" At Seamus's question, Dean nodded. "Then why're you acting like I'm carrying the plague?"
"Just feeling off after dinner the other night. I wasn't really expecting so many people. Thought it'd be four of us." It was as close to the truth as he was willing to get.
"Yeah, sure. I get how it takes a week to recover from it." It was obvious that Seamus didn't believe him but what else could he say? He wasn't going to tell Seamus that he was attracted to him, not when he'd known him for a few weeks and especially not while he was reliant on him. That'd just give the wrong impression; it'd tell Seamus that he was only interested because Dean needed him so much.
"I don't give a flying fuck if you're gay or not. It doesn't make a difference to me. I don't know how else to tell you so that you'll believe me." Dean watched Seamus but his expression didn't change. "Was I ever homophobic before?"
An odd expression flitted across Seamus's face and Dean didn't know what to make of it. Quietly, he answered, "No, you weren't. Things change, though. I know how the Muggles get."
"You want me to strip down and dance around naked? Would that help you believe me?"
"Fine, if it'll get you to shut up, I believe you."
"Fine." Dean went to the pantry and started pulling out bread and jam for breakfast. "Gotta meet with Parvati in a bit so if you want breakfast, you'll need to get out of the way."
The tension stayed as Dean cooked and they ate, neither looking at the other. Dean put his dishes in the sink and then went to shower. When he came out, Seamus was gone but the kitchen was cleaned. He sighed and then made his way to St. Mungo's.
"What happened?" Parvati asked after she shut the door behind them.
"It's nothing, just a bit off is all." Dean tried the same excuse but he could tell that it didn't work on Parvati either.
"You can tell yourself that but I'd like the truth, please." She smiled at him and in that smile was so much sympathy that he gave in.
"We argued a bit this morning. Things've been tense since…"
"Since Dennis broke down, screamed and then left? I can see how that might have been awkward for the both of you." She wrote a couple of notes and then looked up.
"Seamus thinks I'm pissed off that I know he's gay and so he's off. I might've shied away from his touch but it was because…" He wasn't quite ready to give in the whole way.
"Because?"
"Because now I know that he might possibly be open to more and considering I've just met him, well, just met him again, and it's not right or fair. He'll only think that I'm interested because he's my anchor to my past life. I don't want that." Dean raked a hand across his hair and then massaged the back of his neck.
"You should explain that to him. It's better than letting him think that you dislike him due to his sexuality, isn't it?" Parvati smiled at him again and he avoided eye contact.
"I'd rather not, thanks." He breathed in and then changed the subject, "So what sort of exercises do you have for me?"
"This first one's a fairly simple exercise. I'm not expecting great results but Healer Guérir and I agree that this is probably a good starting point. Let's see if we can recover one memory. We'll start at the oldest one." Dean relaxed as Parvati's voice droned the instructions. His mind went blank and, eventually, all he could hear was the monotone intonations. His arms felt like spaghetti and he didn't think he was even capable of raising his head at this moment.
"Dean, imagine a brick wall in front of you, strong bricks, so strong that the wall doesn't look capable of falling." Instantly, a red brick wall sprung up in his mind's eye. "Now, I want you to destroy it, I want you to walk through the rubble and emerge on the other side."
The wall was so thick that he didn't think he was capable of breaking it. Then he remembered that he could do magic and he imagined a fireball hitting it. The wall blew apart, debris falling everywhere and he barely avoided getting nicked by any of it. When he was on the other side, he looked around and the room was grey.
"I want you to picture your parents' flat, just as it was when you were a child." The walls came up and there was the old battered sofa along with the dented table. He knew if he walked down the hallway, he'd see his cramped bedroom that was more a closet than a room. "Are you there?"
"Yes," he answered.
"Now, I want you to picture a letter on the table. It's your Hogwarts letter, do you remember it?" Her voice seemed so far away as he turned and looked at the letter.
It had a bright red wax dot sealing it and it was addressed to him. This was his very first letter ever. It was even better that it had arrived by an owl, an owl and didn't that beat all? His mates at school wouldn't hardly believe that he'd gotten a letter from an owl. His mum, after she'd gotten over the shock of the owl and letter swooping in, had placed it on the table and called him over.
Hands shaking with excitement, he finally grabbed the letter. He put it to his nose and breathed in. It smelled like old paper and candles, sort of like his Great Aunt Gertrude's Christmas box. Kerry danced around him in a circle, chanting, "Dean's got a letter, Dean's got a letter" while his mum tried to hush her. He popped the wax seal and then unfolded the parchment.
HOGWARTS SCHOOL
of WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY
HEADMASTER: ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,
Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. Of Wizards)
Dear Mr. Thomas,
We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.
Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.
Yours sincerely,
Minerva McGonagall,
Deputy Headmistress
"Mum? The letter says I've been accepted at a school for witchcraft and wizardry." Dean stared at the letter until his mother snatched it from his hands.
"What sort of joke is – " She was interrupted by a knock on the door. When she opened it, a squat woman with vibrant eyes and a large grin stood on the other side.
"Oh good, you got it! Just in time, it looks like. I'm sorry to be late, I had planned on being here just a few minutes beforehand but, alas, the Tube is so very confusing at times, isn't it? I ended up going north when I really wanted south and realised my mistake just minutes after. Thankfully, the next stop wasn't too far and I was able to turn around and make my way here." Dean goggled at the woman as she prattled on. "Oh but where are my manners? My name is Charity Burbage and I am the Muggle Studies Professor at Hogwarts."
She thrust out a hand and Dean watched as his mother shook it by rote.
"You must be Dean Thomas!" She called out excitedly and came over and pumped his hand as well. Her hand was warm around his and he liked how she smelled. She was a bit funny looking and talked even funnier but her friendliness overwhelmed until that was all he could concentrate on.
"So do you have any questions?" She looked between Dean and his mother. "Of course you have questions, starting with, I'm quite sure, what exactly is Hogwarts and who I am. We should probably sit, this will take awhile."
She moved to the sofa and sat down, patting the cushions. Dean could feel the excitement building.
A snap brought him out of the memory and he looked about Parvati's office, surprised to not be in his parents' main room. Then the reality hit him. He'd remembered. He'd remembered getting his letter and if he remembered that, then there might just be every likelihood of actually going to school and Parvati and Seamus and the rest. If he remembered all of that, he could remember what happened to him to make him not remember. The possibilities opened up in front of him.
"You remembered," Parvati said, all seriousness as she scribbled notations in her notebook. As soon as she was finished, a smile split her face and she hurried around the desk and hugged him, her bubbling cheerfulness swamping the professionalism. "You remembered!"
"I can remember a woman barging her way through the door and she wouldn't stop talking. My mum was overwhelmed but we sat down and listened anyway. I can remember how the letter smelled."
"What I want you to do tonight, when you get home, is to practise this technique without me giving you instructions. You think you can do it?"
"You think I'll be able to remember more?"
"I have every hope that you will." She finished her notes and then looked up. "All right, then, practise that technique tonight and you're free to go on your way."
They exchanged a quick hug and Dean, still excited over the lone memory, kissed her on the cheek. The Tube ride was spent smiling and wondering at the possibilities. When he got back to the flat, he let himself in and wasn't at all surprised to see that Seamus wasn't back from work yet. He'd just finished fixing dinner, whistling the entire time, when Seamus walked in.
"What brought on this mood?" Seamus asked as he set his wand and keys on the table.
"I remembered something today!" Dean came out of the kitchen.
"What was it?" Seamus grinned at the news. Dean hugged him tightly, pushing his nose into Seamus's hair to breathe his scent in. Seamus's arms were slow to come up – understandable after the row they'd had that morning – but when they did, it felt glorious.
"Getting my letter and meeting the witch who explained about magic and stuff." They released one another.
"Was there anything else?" Seamus asked and it seemed like he was wanting more, like he was looking for something specific. Dean shook his head and watched as Seamus's face fell for a moment before he forced a smile on his face once more. "That's great, mate. Really great."
"Parvati gave me something to try every night. Going to work on it and see if I can remember anything else." Dean went back into the kitchen, his excitement partially dulled.
"That's good, told you she was the best. You need me to do anything for it?"
"Naw, just have to do some breathing things and then visualise stuff." Dean dished out the food and then brought it over to the table. "That and eat dinner."
Once dinner was over, Seamus retreated to his bedroom and left Dean alone to do the exercise. After settling into one of the chairs, Dean breathed in deep and then consciously relaxed his muscles. He wasn't nearly as relaxed as he'd been in Parvati's office. Whether that was due to not having her there guiding him, the tension that had continued to erupt at dinner or the fact that he knew Seamus was just in the other room, Dean wasn't sure.
In the end, all he got was a brief vision – pale hands ghosting down his bare chest while Seamus looked up, a teasing, cocky expression on his face as he licked Dean's stomach – and he was quite sure that it wasn't a memory.
~~**~~
Seamus couldn't believe that Dean had been staying at his flat for a week, let alone almost a month. It had seemed so much longer and, at the same time, so much shorter. Dean had stopped shying away from him at every touch, but the hurt from that still twisted up Seamus's gut because there were times that Dean still jumped like a scalded cat. He'd barely resisted looking at the proof that once, years ago, Dean hadn't just accepted his touch but had sought it out. He had to get over this, had to learn to accept what was and not what had been or could be.
The lift dinged and then the doors opened. Seamus's nerves started as he walked down the hall. When he reached the door to her office, he couldn't make himself enter. Instead, he leaned in the doorway as he centred himself. He really hoped that she didn't want to have their talk inside. Slipping inside the office for a spot of privacy was one thing. Being in an office with a Healer that wanted to analyse him was another. It reminded him too much of the way he'd been forced into counselling by Shacklebolt after Dean. Then, it'd been an old man with more hair in his nose than he had on the top of his head. The perverted man had wanted to hear all the details of Seamus's relationship. After a single session, Seamus concluded that the man only wanted to hear the details because he got some sort of sick pleasure out of them.
Of course, he'd still had to go and sit there, listening to the man natter on about sublimated needs and Seamus's mother, as if one equalled the other. After a week of the daily sessions, he'd been cleared to head back into the field. Any longer and Seamus was certain that he would've killed the man.
This was Parvati, though. Seamus trusted her more than almost anyone else in the world. She'd put him back together once and now it looked like she'd get the privilege of repeating it. He knocked on the doorjamb.
"You ready?" he asked as she looked up from her notes. The studiousness of her demeanour was so very different from her time at Hogwarts. All she needed was a pair of glasses and her image of professional and serious healer would be complete. That and to stop using the bright pink quill that currently rested in her hand.
"Give me a minute, I just need to finish updating this file." She gave him a smile and then went back to her writing.
Seamus sat on one of the chairs and leaned back, not completely comfortable. The office and his purpose for being here combined into one big stomach-churning mess. The chairs were stuffed too full, the décor too feminine and the artwork too personal. A portrait Dean had done of Padma and Parvati hung over Parvati's desk, just above her head. As soon as he recognised the style, he turned away from it and shifted in the chair. He cracked his knuckles and then laced his fingers behind his head. His right leg crossed over the left and then the left crossed over the right. Finally, he kicked out his legs and crossed his ankles. Just as he was about to cross them the other way, Parvati closed the file and placed it in the cabinet behind her desk.
"I'm done, you can stop shifting now."
"Was I distracting you? Sorry."
"It's fine. You have a preference of where to eat?" She stood and grabbed her sweater from the rack in the corner.
"We're not doing this here?" Seamus stood and then, together, they walked out of the office. His stomach immediately released. This was much more like talking to a friend and not a Healer.
"And have you moving around the entire time? If I'm going to have to put up with that, I might as well get something to eat out of it. Your treat, by the way," She said archly and then ruined it by laughing.
"Yeah, fine, I don't mind buying, of course. I'm just the poor Ministry peon and you're the high ranking Healer specialist." He tried for his best long-suffering tone as he pressed the button to summon the lift.
"Oh, please, Seamus. You're buying because you're the man and I'm the woman. Nothing more than that or has it been too long since you've been on a date with a girl?"
"Last time was with you, if I'm remembering correctly. At the end of the night, you turned me down for a kiss. Didn't invite me in or anything." The ride down was short and before Seamus could finish, they were at the bottom. The entry was crowded and their conversation remained light and teasing as they wandered through the crowd.
"You were pissed out of your skull. Of course I didn't want you slobbering on me." She paused and then tapped her cheek. "You can kiss me now, if you'd like."
Instead of kissing, he licked her and then took off across the lobby. She screamed and then gave chase. She caught up to him outside of a sandwich shop.
"I cannot believe that you made me run in heels, Seamus Finnigan. Heels! Do you know how much these cost me? You are definitely buying lunch plus a spot of dessert and coffee." She glared at him and then gestured towards the door. "Well? Be a gentleman or I'll have to tell your mum how you treat a lady."
"Oi! No calling the mother! That's a low blow no matter how expensive the shoes." Seamus opened the door with a flourish and then bowed low. Once they were inside, they were quick to order and then picked a booth towards the back of the shop.
"Shall I pick at you or do you want to tell me what's bothering you?" Parvati asked as they leaned in together while waiting for the food to arrive.
"Dean," Seamus said. Parvati rolled her eyes at him and he smiled sadly. "It just all goes back to him, doesn't it? Past four years of my life, I've been obsessing over him. The years before that, as well, truth be known. It's been Dean, not my job, not my personal life, not my friends. Just Dean. I was just starting to get over it and then he's back."
"Were you?" Parvati looked at him and he could tell that she didn't believe him. Then again, he didn't believe himself.
"No, I wasn't. It's all these ups and downs. It's hard because I expect him to react a certain way and he does another." Seamus searched for something that wouldn't sound ridiculous. "He folds everything. He cooks."
"And that bothers you?"
"Dean never cooked. Most we did was order takeaway. Hell, he folds his pants, Parvati! Who in their right mind folds their pants?" Parvati gave a small laugh and he rolled his eyes at himself. He knew that it sounded ridiculous but they were small changes that contributed to the big one. "Can't tell you how many times one of our mams would stop by and clean as we were rubbish at it. Now he glares at me if I don't clean the dishes straight away."
"People change, Seamus, and these changes? They could've happened regardless." She wasn't seeing what he meant so he bit back his pride.
"He's no' happy. He's not and I don't like seeing it, let alone making him feel it." Seamus looked around the room as he admitted what was truly bothering him. "And 'm no' happy either. Thought I would be when we woke up that first morning and I saw him out there. Christ, I thought we'd just fall back into our patterns and habits. I mean, I knew that he didn't remember, knew it up here," He gestured towards his head. "but I also figured one spell and he'd be better and there we'd be."
"You blame him, don't you?" Seamus looked up, shocked. "You blame him for leaving you and not coming back, for not remembering you or what you had. You blame him for hurting you."
Seamus shook his head in protest, "It's not that at all! It's not his fault that I'm walking around like a geebag mooning after him. It's not."
"Blaming him is normal." Seamus started to protest again but Parvati held up her hand. "It's normal and allowed. Now, though, it's time to start dealing with that."
"How'm I supposed to do that? He won't even talk to me or touch me. Hell, he shies away and then acts like that's not what he's doing." Seamus threw his hands up into the air. They both stopped talking as one of the employees dropped off their meals. When the girl left, Seamus continued, "Breakfast the other morning? I barely brushed him and he nearly jumped to the other side of the room."
Parvati made a noise that could've said 'that's too bad' or 'I understand' or even 'you're overreacting' and Seamus didn't know which, so he picked up his sandwich and took an overly-large bite. He chewed, vicious angry bites, as he contemplated the entire situation.
"It's awkward for both of you. Allowances have to be made on both your parts. He might not be used to being touched as much as you like to touch. Perhaps he's uncomfortable with the discussions of sexuality." Parvati started eating, taking much smaller bites than Seamus.
"He tell you that? That he's uncomfortable with me being gay?" Seamus glared at his sandwich as if it were the reason for his foul mood before ripping the next section off.
"You know I can't answer that. What did he say to you?"
"He said that it'd be a bit hypocritical of him but I couldn't tell if he was just having me on."
"Why wouldn't you believe him?"
"Because he's lied to me for the past four years!" Seamus yelled and then abruptly stilled, sandwich forgotten in his hands. He did blame Dean for leaving and forgetting. Anger gone in the midst of shocked upset, his voice was small as he said, "But he hasn't. I know he hasn't."
"Up here," Parvati tapped her head. Her hand moved to her heart, "but not here."
Seamus looked down at his plate. Parvati's hand gripped his and squeezed.
"It's going to take time and you're going to have to talk to him. I'm sure he's just as lost and confused if not more so. Remember, you have the rest of us and know you can rely on us, but he doesn't have anyone. Sit down, talk it out. Keep talking it out and when you think you're done, talk once more."
"How could anyone do something this awful? Didn't anyone think of how much they'd be hurting more than just the one person?" Seamus's anger came back, blocking the shame of blaming Dean for what was done to him. "Who 'm I kidding? They didn't fucking care. If I could get my hands on them, I'd fucking kill 'em. Swear on all that's holy, I'd fucking wring their necks with me bare hands."
"Give Harry, Ron and Michael some time to work on their end. It's only been a couple of days." Seamus nodded and Parvati squeezed his hand again. When he looked up, he saw her staring at him. "Talk to him."
"I can't. Not right now."
"All right, it's your decision," she said and he could hear the disappointment in her voice.
"Heard from Dennis lately?" Seamus changed the subject abruptly.
"No, nothing. He's not answering his mobile. I'm a bit worried over him."
"I'll stop at his flat and check on him. It's sort of on the way to the Ministry, anyway."
"Thanks, I'd appreciate it." She chewed and then looked thoughtful, "You think I was harsh with him?"
"Nay, lass, it's what he needed, a kick in the arse. If it can't be Colin coming back from the dead, then it might as well be you planting a boot." Parvati's face fell. He tried to tease her, "'M thinking I'm not the only one with unresolved grief issues, am I?"
"We were just friends, that's all." Parvati wouldn't look at Seamus so it was his turn to grab her arm and give it a squeeze.
"We're both good at lying to ourselves, aren't we?" She looked up and he saw the tears in her eyes. "I'll try to find him. I know his routines better'n most, after all."
"Thanks."
"No need to thank me. Partly my fault he ran off the way he did."
"We need to stop taking on blame for things that are beyond our control," she said sadly. He didn't know how to respond to that so he simply let it go. They finished their food in silence and then, after walking to St. Mungo's, Seamus bussed Parvati's cheek in goodbye.
He walked down the alley and, when no one was around, he Apparated to behind Dennis's flat. A knock on the door didn't even yield a projectile thrown at it. Another knock and more silence. Another and still more silence. A quick look one way and then the other and Seamus pulled out his wand. "Alohamora," he whispered and the door opened.
He slowly pushed the door the rest of the way open only to find that the flat was completely unoccupied. He searched it, just in case, but only found dust and scattered clothing. It looked like he was planning on being back. His next stop was the pub. The booth was empty and, after questioning the barman, it seemed that the last time Dennis had been here was a few days ago when he mentioned that he would be leaving town. Visiting family, according to the waitress.
Seamus headed back to work and made his way to the Owlery where he sent off a few owls to those that might possibly know where Dennis might be. One went to Harry, asking him to look into it and asking for an update on the investigation of what had happened to Dean. Another went to Dennis's parents while a third went to Dennis himself. He didn't work much, merely sorted a few things on his desk while he waited for some sort of response.
Chapter 9
Author:
wook77Pairing:: Dean/Seamus (other slash and het pairings contained within)
Rating: PG (Eventual rating: Hard R to NC-17)
100quills prompt: 43. Footsteps
Warnings: Canon compliant through DH. Pre-Epilogue. Additional Warnings at the beginning of Chapter 1.
Wordcount: Overall: ~70k This part: 4900
Summary: Four years ago, Dean Thomas died in the midst of a raid. Seamus saw it happen right in front of his eyes but seeing isn't believing and reality is in the eye of the beholder.
A/N: Many many thanks to
nefernat for the beta job. All remaining mistakes are my own. All Chapters
Dean wasn't at all sure how to handle what Dennis had revealed that night at dinner. He hadn't really suspected a thing as to Seamus's sexuality. Not that it mattered. It didn't, not in the least. Except for the possibilities, said a small voice in the back of his head. That was the part that Dean couldn't get over as he watched Seamus and wondered. Now that he knew that Seamus was interested in blokes, Dean couldn't stop thinking about it, wondering what those lips would feel like against his. For a week now, the images had swirled through his head and he couldn't think or concentrate.
He watched the way that Seamus gripped his cup of tea, the way his blunt fingers would hold on to it as if it held the answers to life. He watched the way Seamus watched him and that was where most of the images came from. Every time Seamus bumped into him or their fingers accidentally brushed while passing the salt at dinner or passing too close in the hallway, Dean felt a jolt deep into his gut and he'd jerk away.
There was no way he'd ruin what they had, though. They were mates again and he wasn't going to ruin that by acting on the possibilities that haunted him while he slept. When he woke, he could see that there was an awkwardness between them. Yet again. This waking up to dancing around one another was wearing on him. Entering the kitchen area, he accidentally brushed against Seamus and the warmth flooded his arm and he jerked back.
"That's enough, that's bloody well enough," Seamus said while Dean gaped. "You have a problem with me kissing blokes, then fucking well say so. I'm not going to just be jumping you while you sleep."
"What?" Dean boggled, completely unable to figure out where this ire came from.
"You think I don't get why you're pulling away every time we might just accidentally touch? I get it. I'm gay and you've a problem with that." Seamus turned and glared at Dean though Dean thought he could see that it wasn't anger. It was hurt.
"It's not that at all." Dean reached out and put a hand on Seamus's arm but Seamus shrugged his arm away from the touch. Dean touched Seamus's arm again. "It's not that. I'm just…"
"Just what?" This time, Dean could tell that it was entirely hurt being disguised as anger.
"I'm just absorbing things, is all. I don't care that you're gay, not when…" Dean took a breath, "Not when that'd be a mite hypocritical of me."
"You saying you're gay?" At Seamus's question, Dean nodded. "Then why're you acting like I'm carrying the plague?"
"Just feeling off after dinner the other night. I wasn't really expecting so many people. Thought it'd be four of us." It was as close to the truth as he was willing to get.
"Yeah, sure. I get how it takes a week to recover from it." It was obvious that Seamus didn't believe him but what else could he say? He wasn't going to tell Seamus that he was attracted to him, not when he'd known him for a few weeks and especially not while he was reliant on him. That'd just give the wrong impression; it'd tell Seamus that he was only interested because Dean needed him so much.
"I don't give a flying fuck if you're gay or not. It doesn't make a difference to me. I don't know how else to tell you so that you'll believe me." Dean watched Seamus but his expression didn't change. "Was I ever homophobic before?"
An odd expression flitted across Seamus's face and Dean didn't know what to make of it. Quietly, he answered, "No, you weren't. Things change, though. I know how the Muggles get."
"You want me to strip down and dance around naked? Would that help you believe me?"
"Fine, if it'll get you to shut up, I believe you."
"Fine." Dean went to the pantry and started pulling out bread and jam for breakfast. "Gotta meet with Parvati in a bit so if you want breakfast, you'll need to get out of the way."
The tension stayed as Dean cooked and they ate, neither looking at the other. Dean put his dishes in the sink and then went to shower. When he came out, Seamus was gone but the kitchen was cleaned. He sighed and then made his way to St. Mungo's.
"What happened?" Parvati asked after she shut the door behind them.
"It's nothing, just a bit off is all." Dean tried the same excuse but he could tell that it didn't work on Parvati either.
"You can tell yourself that but I'd like the truth, please." She smiled at him and in that smile was so much sympathy that he gave in.
"We argued a bit this morning. Things've been tense since…"
"Since Dennis broke down, screamed and then left? I can see how that might have been awkward for the both of you." She wrote a couple of notes and then looked up.
"Seamus thinks I'm pissed off that I know he's gay and so he's off. I might've shied away from his touch but it was because…" He wasn't quite ready to give in the whole way.
"Because?"
"Because now I know that he might possibly be open to more and considering I've just met him, well, just met him again, and it's not right or fair. He'll only think that I'm interested because he's my anchor to my past life. I don't want that." Dean raked a hand across his hair and then massaged the back of his neck.
"You should explain that to him. It's better than letting him think that you dislike him due to his sexuality, isn't it?" Parvati smiled at him again and he avoided eye contact.
"I'd rather not, thanks." He breathed in and then changed the subject, "So what sort of exercises do you have for me?"
"This first one's a fairly simple exercise. I'm not expecting great results but Healer Guérir and I agree that this is probably a good starting point. Let's see if we can recover one memory. We'll start at the oldest one." Dean relaxed as Parvati's voice droned the instructions. His mind went blank and, eventually, all he could hear was the monotone intonations. His arms felt like spaghetti and he didn't think he was even capable of raising his head at this moment.
"Dean, imagine a brick wall in front of you, strong bricks, so strong that the wall doesn't look capable of falling." Instantly, a red brick wall sprung up in his mind's eye. "Now, I want you to destroy it, I want you to walk through the rubble and emerge on the other side."
The wall was so thick that he didn't think he was capable of breaking it. Then he remembered that he could do magic and he imagined a fireball hitting it. The wall blew apart, debris falling everywhere and he barely avoided getting nicked by any of it. When he was on the other side, he looked around and the room was grey.
"I want you to picture your parents' flat, just as it was when you were a child." The walls came up and there was the old battered sofa along with the dented table. He knew if he walked down the hallway, he'd see his cramped bedroom that was more a closet than a room. "Are you there?"
"Yes," he answered.
"Now, I want you to picture a letter on the table. It's your Hogwarts letter, do you remember it?" Her voice seemed so far away as he turned and looked at the letter.
It had a bright red wax dot sealing it and it was addressed to him. This was his very first letter ever. It was even better that it had arrived by an owl, an owl and didn't that beat all? His mates at school wouldn't hardly believe that he'd gotten a letter from an owl. His mum, after she'd gotten over the shock of the owl and letter swooping in, had placed it on the table and called him over.
Hands shaking with excitement, he finally grabbed the letter. He put it to his nose and breathed in. It smelled like old paper and candles, sort of like his Great Aunt Gertrude's Christmas box. Kerry danced around him in a circle, chanting, "Dean's got a letter, Dean's got a letter" while his mum tried to hush her. He popped the wax seal and then unfolded the parchment.
of WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY
HEADMASTER: ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,
Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. Of Wizards)
Dear Mr. Thomas,
We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.
Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.
Yours sincerely,
Minerva McGonagall,
Deputy Headmistress
"Mum? The letter says I've been accepted at a school for witchcraft and wizardry." Dean stared at the letter until his mother snatched it from his hands.
"What sort of joke is – " She was interrupted by a knock on the door. When she opened it, a squat woman with vibrant eyes and a large grin stood on the other side.
"Oh good, you got it! Just in time, it looks like. I'm sorry to be late, I had planned on being here just a few minutes beforehand but, alas, the Tube is so very confusing at times, isn't it? I ended up going north when I really wanted south and realised my mistake just minutes after. Thankfully, the next stop wasn't too far and I was able to turn around and make my way here." Dean goggled at the woman as she prattled on. "Oh but where are my manners? My name is Charity Burbage and I am the Muggle Studies Professor at Hogwarts."
She thrust out a hand and Dean watched as his mother shook it by rote.
"You must be Dean Thomas!" She called out excitedly and came over and pumped his hand as well. Her hand was warm around his and he liked how she smelled. She was a bit funny looking and talked even funnier but her friendliness overwhelmed until that was all he could concentrate on.
"So do you have any questions?" She looked between Dean and his mother. "Of course you have questions, starting with, I'm quite sure, what exactly is Hogwarts and who I am. We should probably sit, this will take awhile."
She moved to the sofa and sat down, patting the cushions. Dean could feel the excitement building.
A snap brought him out of the memory and he looked about Parvati's office, surprised to not be in his parents' main room. Then the reality hit him. He'd remembered. He'd remembered getting his letter and if he remembered that, then there might just be every likelihood of actually going to school and Parvati and Seamus and the rest. If he remembered all of that, he could remember what happened to him to make him not remember. The possibilities opened up in front of him.
"You remembered," Parvati said, all seriousness as she scribbled notations in her notebook. As soon as she was finished, a smile split her face and she hurried around the desk and hugged him, her bubbling cheerfulness swamping the professionalism. "You remembered!"
"I can remember a woman barging her way through the door and she wouldn't stop talking. My mum was overwhelmed but we sat down and listened anyway. I can remember how the letter smelled."
"What I want you to do tonight, when you get home, is to practise this technique without me giving you instructions. You think you can do it?"
"You think I'll be able to remember more?"
"I have every hope that you will." She finished her notes and then looked up. "All right, then, practise that technique tonight and you're free to go on your way."
They exchanged a quick hug and Dean, still excited over the lone memory, kissed her on the cheek. The Tube ride was spent smiling and wondering at the possibilities. When he got back to the flat, he let himself in and wasn't at all surprised to see that Seamus wasn't back from work yet. He'd just finished fixing dinner, whistling the entire time, when Seamus walked in.
"What brought on this mood?" Seamus asked as he set his wand and keys on the table.
"I remembered something today!" Dean came out of the kitchen.
"What was it?" Seamus grinned at the news. Dean hugged him tightly, pushing his nose into Seamus's hair to breathe his scent in. Seamus's arms were slow to come up – understandable after the row they'd had that morning – but when they did, it felt glorious.
"Getting my letter and meeting the witch who explained about magic and stuff." They released one another.
"Was there anything else?" Seamus asked and it seemed like he was wanting more, like he was looking for something specific. Dean shook his head and watched as Seamus's face fell for a moment before he forced a smile on his face once more. "That's great, mate. Really great."
"Parvati gave me something to try every night. Going to work on it and see if I can remember anything else." Dean went back into the kitchen, his excitement partially dulled.
"That's good, told you she was the best. You need me to do anything for it?"
"Naw, just have to do some breathing things and then visualise stuff." Dean dished out the food and then brought it over to the table. "That and eat dinner."
Once dinner was over, Seamus retreated to his bedroom and left Dean alone to do the exercise. After settling into one of the chairs, Dean breathed in deep and then consciously relaxed his muscles. He wasn't nearly as relaxed as he'd been in Parvati's office. Whether that was due to not having her there guiding him, the tension that had continued to erupt at dinner or the fact that he knew Seamus was just in the other room, Dean wasn't sure.
In the end, all he got was a brief vision – pale hands ghosting down his bare chest while Seamus looked up, a teasing, cocky expression on his face as he licked Dean's stomach – and he was quite sure that it wasn't a memory.
Seamus couldn't believe that Dean had been staying at his flat for a week, let alone almost a month. It had seemed so much longer and, at the same time, so much shorter. Dean had stopped shying away from him at every touch, but the hurt from that still twisted up Seamus's gut because there were times that Dean still jumped like a scalded cat. He'd barely resisted looking at the proof that once, years ago, Dean hadn't just accepted his touch but had sought it out. He had to get over this, had to learn to accept what was and not what had been or could be.
The lift dinged and then the doors opened. Seamus's nerves started as he walked down the hall. When he reached the door to her office, he couldn't make himself enter. Instead, he leaned in the doorway as he centred himself. He really hoped that she didn't want to have their talk inside. Slipping inside the office for a spot of privacy was one thing. Being in an office with a Healer that wanted to analyse him was another. It reminded him too much of the way he'd been forced into counselling by Shacklebolt after Dean. Then, it'd been an old man with more hair in his nose than he had on the top of his head. The perverted man had wanted to hear all the details of Seamus's relationship. After a single session, Seamus concluded that the man only wanted to hear the details because he got some sort of sick pleasure out of them.
Of course, he'd still had to go and sit there, listening to the man natter on about sublimated needs and Seamus's mother, as if one equalled the other. After a week of the daily sessions, he'd been cleared to head back into the field. Any longer and Seamus was certain that he would've killed the man.
This was Parvati, though. Seamus trusted her more than almost anyone else in the world. She'd put him back together once and now it looked like she'd get the privilege of repeating it. He knocked on the doorjamb.
"You ready?" he asked as she looked up from her notes. The studiousness of her demeanour was so very different from her time at Hogwarts. All she needed was a pair of glasses and her image of professional and serious healer would be complete. That and to stop using the bright pink quill that currently rested in her hand.
"Give me a minute, I just need to finish updating this file." She gave him a smile and then went back to her writing.
Seamus sat on one of the chairs and leaned back, not completely comfortable. The office and his purpose for being here combined into one big stomach-churning mess. The chairs were stuffed too full, the décor too feminine and the artwork too personal. A portrait Dean had done of Padma and Parvati hung over Parvati's desk, just above her head. As soon as he recognised the style, he turned away from it and shifted in the chair. He cracked his knuckles and then laced his fingers behind his head. His right leg crossed over the left and then the left crossed over the right. Finally, he kicked out his legs and crossed his ankles. Just as he was about to cross them the other way, Parvati closed the file and placed it in the cabinet behind her desk.
"I'm done, you can stop shifting now."
"Was I distracting you? Sorry."
"It's fine. You have a preference of where to eat?" She stood and grabbed her sweater from the rack in the corner.
"We're not doing this here?" Seamus stood and then, together, they walked out of the office. His stomach immediately released. This was much more like talking to a friend and not a Healer.
"And have you moving around the entire time? If I'm going to have to put up with that, I might as well get something to eat out of it. Your treat, by the way," She said archly and then ruined it by laughing.
"Yeah, fine, I don't mind buying, of course. I'm just the poor Ministry peon and you're the high ranking Healer specialist." He tried for his best long-suffering tone as he pressed the button to summon the lift.
"Oh, please, Seamus. You're buying because you're the man and I'm the woman. Nothing more than that or has it been too long since you've been on a date with a girl?"
"Last time was with you, if I'm remembering correctly. At the end of the night, you turned me down for a kiss. Didn't invite me in or anything." The ride down was short and before Seamus could finish, they were at the bottom. The entry was crowded and their conversation remained light and teasing as they wandered through the crowd.
"You were pissed out of your skull. Of course I didn't want you slobbering on me." She paused and then tapped her cheek. "You can kiss me now, if you'd like."
Instead of kissing, he licked her and then took off across the lobby. She screamed and then gave chase. She caught up to him outside of a sandwich shop.
"I cannot believe that you made me run in heels, Seamus Finnigan. Heels! Do you know how much these cost me? You are definitely buying lunch plus a spot of dessert and coffee." She glared at him and then gestured towards the door. "Well? Be a gentleman or I'll have to tell your mum how you treat a lady."
"Oi! No calling the mother! That's a low blow no matter how expensive the shoes." Seamus opened the door with a flourish and then bowed low. Once they were inside, they were quick to order and then picked a booth towards the back of the shop.
"Shall I pick at you or do you want to tell me what's bothering you?" Parvati asked as they leaned in together while waiting for the food to arrive.
"Dean," Seamus said. Parvati rolled her eyes at him and he smiled sadly. "It just all goes back to him, doesn't it? Past four years of my life, I've been obsessing over him. The years before that, as well, truth be known. It's been Dean, not my job, not my personal life, not my friends. Just Dean. I was just starting to get over it and then he's back."
"Were you?" Parvati looked at him and he could tell that she didn't believe him. Then again, he didn't believe himself.
"No, I wasn't. It's all these ups and downs. It's hard because I expect him to react a certain way and he does another." Seamus searched for something that wouldn't sound ridiculous. "He folds everything. He cooks."
"And that bothers you?"
"Dean never cooked. Most we did was order takeaway. Hell, he folds his pants, Parvati! Who in their right mind folds their pants?" Parvati gave a small laugh and he rolled his eyes at himself. He knew that it sounded ridiculous but they were small changes that contributed to the big one. "Can't tell you how many times one of our mams would stop by and clean as we were rubbish at it. Now he glares at me if I don't clean the dishes straight away."
"People change, Seamus, and these changes? They could've happened regardless." She wasn't seeing what he meant so he bit back his pride.
"He's no' happy. He's not and I don't like seeing it, let alone making him feel it." Seamus looked around the room as he admitted what was truly bothering him. "And 'm no' happy either. Thought I would be when we woke up that first morning and I saw him out there. Christ, I thought we'd just fall back into our patterns and habits. I mean, I knew that he didn't remember, knew it up here," He gestured towards his head. "but I also figured one spell and he'd be better and there we'd be."
"You blame him, don't you?" Seamus looked up, shocked. "You blame him for leaving you and not coming back, for not remembering you or what you had. You blame him for hurting you."
Seamus shook his head in protest, "It's not that at all! It's not his fault that I'm walking around like a geebag mooning after him. It's not."
"Blaming him is normal." Seamus started to protest again but Parvati held up her hand. "It's normal and allowed. Now, though, it's time to start dealing with that."
"How'm I supposed to do that? He won't even talk to me or touch me. Hell, he shies away and then acts like that's not what he's doing." Seamus threw his hands up into the air. They both stopped talking as one of the employees dropped off their meals. When the girl left, Seamus continued, "Breakfast the other morning? I barely brushed him and he nearly jumped to the other side of the room."
Parvati made a noise that could've said 'that's too bad' or 'I understand' or even 'you're overreacting' and Seamus didn't know which, so he picked up his sandwich and took an overly-large bite. He chewed, vicious angry bites, as he contemplated the entire situation.
"It's awkward for both of you. Allowances have to be made on both your parts. He might not be used to being touched as much as you like to touch. Perhaps he's uncomfortable with the discussions of sexuality." Parvati started eating, taking much smaller bites than Seamus.
"He tell you that? That he's uncomfortable with me being gay?" Seamus glared at his sandwich as if it were the reason for his foul mood before ripping the next section off.
"You know I can't answer that. What did he say to you?"
"He said that it'd be a bit hypocritical of him but I couldn't tell if he was just having me on."
"Why wouldn't you believe him?"
"Because he's lied to me for the past four years!" Seamus yelled and then abruptly stilled, sandwich forgotten in his hands. He did blame Dean for leaving and forgetting. Anger gone in the midst of shocked upset, his voice was small as he said, "But he hasn't. I know he hasn't."
"Up here," Parvati tapped her head. Her hand moved to her heart, "but not here."
Seamus looked down at his plate. Parvati's hand gripped his and squeezed.
"It's going to take time and you're going to have to talk to him. I'm sure he's just as lost and confused if not more so. Remember, you have the rest of us and know you can rely on us, but he doesn't have anyone. Sit down, talk it out. Keep talking it out and when you think you're done, talk once more."
"How could anyone do something this awful? Didn't anyone think of how much they'd be hurting more than just the one person?" Seamus's anger came back, blocking the shame of blaming Dean for what was done to him. "Who 'm I kidding? They didn't fucking care. If I could get my hands on them, I'd fucking kill 'em. Swear on all that's holy, I'd fucking wring their necks with me bare hands."
"Give Harry, Ron and Michael some time to work on their end. It's only been a couple of days." Seamus nodded and Parvati squeezed his hand again. When he looked up, he saw her staring at him. "Talk to him."
"I can't. Not right now."
"All right, it's your decision," she said and he could hear the disappointment in her voice.
"Heard from Dennis lately?" Seamus changed the subject abruptly.
"No, nothing. He's not answering his mobile. I'm a bit worried over him."
"I'll stop at his flat and check on him. It's sort of on the way to the Ministry, anyway."
"Thanks, I'd appreciate it." She chewed and then looked thoughtful, "You think I was harsh with him?"
"Nay, lass, it's what he needed, a kick in the arse. If it can't be Colin coming back from the dead, then it might as well be you planting a boot." Parvati's face fell. He tried to tease her, "'M thinking I'm not the only one with unresolved grief issues, am I?"
"We were just friends, that's all." Parvati wouldn't look at Seamus so it was his turn to grab her arm and give it a squeeze.
"We're both good at lying to ourselves, aren't we?" She looked up and he saw the tears in her eyes. "I'll try to find him. I know his routines better'n most, after all."
"Thanks."
"No need to thank me. Partly my fault he ran off the way he did."
"We need to stop taking on blame for things that are beyond our control," she said sadly. He didn't know how to respond to that so he simply let it go. They finished their food in silence and then, after walking to St. Mungo's, Seamus bussed Parvati's cheek in goodbye.
He walked down the alley and, when no one was around, he Apparated to behind Dennis's flat. A knock on the door didn't even yield a projectile thrown at it. Another knock and more silence. Another and still more silence. A quick look one way and then the other and Seamus pulled out his wand. "Alohamora," he whispered and the door opened.
He slowly pushed the door the rest of the way open only to find that the flat was completely unoccupied. He searched it, just in case, but only found dust and scattered clothing. It looked like he was planning on being back. His next stop was the pub. The booth was empty and, after questioning the barman, it seemed that the last time Dennis had been here was a few days ago when he mentioned that he would be leaving town. Visiting family, according to the waitress.
Seamus headed back to work and made his way to the Owlery where he sent off a few owls to those that might possibly know where Dennis might be. One went to Harry, asking him to look into it and asking for an update on the investigation of what had happened to Dean. Another went to Dennis's parents while a third went to Dennis himself. He didn't work much, merely sorted a few things on his desk while he waited for some sort of response.
Chapter 9
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2008-05-28 06:20 pm (UTC)That supposed to be Parvati?
Gaahhh! Talk! To each other! I can not image being Parvati, hearing both sides but not being able to say anything.
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Date: 2008-06-01 04:17 am (UTC)Inorite? They really do need to talk to one another. They're just being dumbasses and skirting around one another and the main issues.
I don't think I could be Parvati. I'd just be all "ok, look, in this case, you're being an idiot. Say this shit to Dean, not to me." Thus - good thing I'm not :D.
♥
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Date: 2008-05-28 08:06 pm (UTC)I hope Dennis will be fine *is worried about him*
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Date: 2008-06-01 04:24 am (UTC)Oh Dennis. :/ He's got his issues.
♥ you so much!
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Date: 2008-05-28 08:44 pm (UTC)lovely Parvati
should i be worried about Dennis?
no subject
Date: 2008-06-01 04:25 am (UTC)Should you be worried for Dennis? It's up to you ;)
♥
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Date: 2008-05-28 11:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-01 04:26 am (UTC)Parvati is rather awesome, isn't she? I used to rp her and I had such a love for her as she is so awesome and fun, especially after DH.
♥
no subject
Date: 2008-05-29 05:04 pm (UTC)I adore how you write Parvati <3 I can imagine it so so well
even with her pink quill xD
I'm worried about Dennis :(
no subject
Date: 2008-06-01 04:27 am (UTC)Parvati is major love. I used to RP her and so I've this special place in my heart for her and a probably very unique perspective/interpretation of her. I love her muchly. And, of course, Parvati would have a frilly pink quill... she might have gone all adult but the Parvati of Hogwarts years is still in there :D:D:D.
Poor Dennis :(. He does have issues, doesn't he?
♥ to you!
no subject
Date: 2008-06-01 10:43 pm (UTC)xP
of course she is! ^_^
yes he does *huggles Dennis and takes him home with me*
no subject
Date: 2008-05-31 01:16 am (UTC)i'm loving this :)
no subject
Date: 2008-06-01 04:28 am (UTC)I'm very glad you're still enjoying this!
♥ to you!!
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Date: 2008-06-06 09:10 am (UTC)I love that both of the boys are struggling with their attractions to each other and misreading things--and not talking about it. It makes me think like this is probably really similar to the first time that they fell in love.
Things are glorious here and it was nice to get Dean's POV and for their to be some progress on the memory front. :D
no subject
Date: 2008-06-13 04:35 am (UTC):-)
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Date: 2010-02-13 03:44 am (UTC)And I love the image of Parvati as super professional and put together, then having a bright pink quill. It’s just such a great image and makes her even more amazing in my book! She’s fabulous in this chapter—so self assured, genuinely caring, and spunky. I like her teasing Seamus about how to treat a woman. They’ve got such a great relationship, which is especially cool because they had not even talked in 2 years and then they’re just straight back into it. That’s something special, indeed. I really enjoy their banter.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-22 12:31 am (UTC)Deamus is my OTP and you are just wonderful at writing their characterizations and everything. I cried the first chapter, I really did.
I can't wait to see what happens.