Fic: Trust You, Too (Kirk/McCoy Rated: NC-17)

[wook77]

Title: Trust You, Too
Author: wook77
Fandom: Star Trek XI: Reboot
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Misuse of a scalpel masquerading as knifeplay yes, I wrote knifeplay
Wordcount: ~2600
Summary: Admitting love is easy. Trusting one another is much harder.
A/N:Meant as part 2/continuation of Lubaloo, Too. Reading that first is strongly encouraged but not necessary. Written for the kink "knifeplay" for my Kink Bingo Card. Beta'd by why_me_why_not. All remaining mistakes are my own.


After awhile, it's the nightmares that get to Bones. He can deal with the way that Jim shifts and moans every time one of his cuts (those fucking aliens, how could they cut into Jim's flesh like that? How could they make Jim think that it was Bones doing it?) brushes up against anything else at all. He can deal with the wincing and the forced cheer. What he can't deal with is the way that Jim thrashes in his sleep, trying to free himself from the blankets and crying out, flinching away from Bones if he approaches. It shatters him to have Jim move away from him and then mutter "Captain James T. Kirk, Captain of the USS-Enterprise, NCC-1701" over and over again as Bones tries to soothe him.

When Jim's awake, the panic and fear have mostly disappeared under the guise of fake happiness and normalcy. It grates and builds until Bones is about to explode with the effort it takes not to smack some sense into Jim and tell him that it's all right to be human for once and admit to being afraid.

It all comes to a head when Jim wakes up thrashing two weeks in, a week after his injuries have healed. Bones orders the lights to full and holds Jim as he fights against Bones, murmuring nonsense in a low voice until Jim ceases struggling and clings, just for a moment, instead.

"Bones," Jim says, fear and need mixing as Bones finally breaks.

"Jim, we have to talk about this."

"About what?" Jim asks before shoving away.

"About the fact that you have nightmares about me, perhaps. Maybe about the fact that you look at me like I'm going to slice you to ribbons. Maybe about the fact that, even during the day, you can't stand the sight of me sometimes. Maybe about the fact that you're human and you're scared and you're not doing a damned thing about it."

"Tell me how you really feel, Bones," Jim mutters into the pillow as he turns his back on Bones.

"You want to hear how I really feel? Fine. You got it. I'm sick and damned tired of you flinching away from me and acting like I'm going to slice you open. There're times that I just want to make you realize that I'm not going to do it."

"How would you do that?" Jim asks, still facing away from Bones but reaching a hand back, blindly.

Bones takes that hand and entwines their fingers. "How would you want me to do it?"

"Would you tie me up and use a scalpel on me?"

"No," Bones says. "I…"

"I want you to." It's said so quietly that Bones isn't at all certain that what he hears is what Jim actually said.

"You saying you want me to tie you up and put a scalpel in you? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of showing you that I won't?"

"I don't want you to use the scalpel on me, just… just have it."

Oh, Bones thinks to himself. "You'd let me?"

"That's why I'd be tied up."

"We'd need a safeword."

"Broccoli."

"That'd work." Bones pauses for thought. "You recite your rank and serial number, though, all bets are off, too."

"Agreed. When?"

"Whenever you're ready," Bones says and smiles as Jim squeezes his hand.

"Tomorrow. I'm tired of these nightmares."

"All right." Jim doesn't ask and Bones doesn't wait for the question. Instead, he curls up against Jim's back and holds him tight as he drifts off to sleep.

~*~

Bones finds himself snapping at everyone throughout the day. He's annoying even himself so he hasn't a clue how the rest of his staff is putting up with his insults and abruptness. There has to be a way to apologize for it. Tomorrow. When he's not nearly as high strung as he is today.

As he gets off shift, he ignores the sigh of relief from around him and, instead, palms the scalpel and walks out of medical. With not only the protective covering over the blade but the sterilization packet still surrounding it, Bones feels comfortable enough sliding it up his sleeve so that he's not obviously walking around the ship holding a weapon. He barely sees anyone he passes, not even realizing he’s shared a lift with Sulu until they’re getting off on the same floor and Sulu is walking away from him. There's another apology that'll have to be made.

His brain is just so focused on this, on running the scalpel over Jim, of fucking him while holding a damned blade, making Jim relive his worst experience, that he can't pay attention to the everyday details. He's thankful that there hadn't been a catastrophe today that had required his attention.

Without bothering to knock, he slips into Jim's quarters and calls out his name. A weak "in here" comes from the bedroom and when he enters, he sees Jim sitting on the edge of the bed, hunched over and naked as his hands fumble with a thick strap that he'd somehow fastened to the side of the bed.

"How do you want me?" Jim asks in a flat monotone as he continues to stare at the strap.

Bones doesn't answer, at least not verbally. Instead, he crosses the room until he stands in front of Jim before cupping his cheek. When Jim finally looks up, he pulls Jim against his stomach, holding him there for a moment in as tender of a hug as he's capable, considering how tense he is.

"You want to end this…" His voice trails off.

"Broccoli or rank. I know."

Bones rubs his hands through Jim's hair, stroking and soothing. When Jim shudders against his stomach, Bones crouches and then kisses him. He keeps the kiss light and teasing as he slowly pushes Jim back onto the bed. Hands drifting up and down, from shoulder to arm to hands to stomach to chest, Bones doesn't stop touching or kissing Jim as he lies on top of him.

Jim relaxes into the kiss, pushing up into Bones. Bones can feel Jim getting hard underneath him, rubbing against Bones's uniform trousers. After waiting a few more minutes, Bones fumbles to the side of the bed and grabs the strap, slipping it around Jim's wrist and then sitting up to fasten it into place. He doesn't ask if Jim's all right with this, that isn't what Jim wants from this. It isn't what Bones wants either. He wants Jim to trust him, to know that if he speaks up, all of this stops and that Jim has nothing to fear from Bones, regardless of what an alien with his face did to Jim.

Bones looks over the other side of the bed and finds the other strap, fastening it around Jim's wrist, as well. He's sitting on top of Jim as he very calmly reaches into his sleeve and pulls out the scalpel. Refusing to look at Jim, he strips off his shirt and ignores the way that Jim's legs tense underneath him. Instead, he picks up the scalpel, looking at it and giving himself a moment to think of how he wants to do this.

He can feel the way that Jim trembles under him, but if he looks at Jim, all bets are off. This is so much worse than Jim standing in the hangar looking dejected and Bones couldn't even handle that let alone worse. So he doesn't look at Jim. He concentrates on the sterilization wrapping and pulls it open, the sound made even more loud by the fact that neither of them are really breathing.

"I think I'll start," he says as he grips the scalpel correctly, leaving the cap on, "here." He touches the scalpel to Jim's side, just above his hip. Jim jerks and moans, the sound not at all erotic but pain-filled. He brushes the scalpel down Jim's hip to where his leg meets Jim's leg. He feels it on his own before sliding it back up Jim's leg, then hip and then along the entire length of Jim's chest.

"I've cut you open so many times," he murmurs as he slides the scalpel between Jim's ribs.

"Your heart though, that's here," he adds as he slides the scalpel over to Jim's heart and presses in lightly. Jim shivers under his blade and Bones leans in and licks the spot, tongue traveling over the blade and then transferring to skin. Jim shivers and moans again and, this time, the moan doesn't sound quite so pain-filled. Tracing the scalpel along Jim's chest, he follows it with his tongue as he presses into Jim's nipple.

Sitting back up, he watches the scalpel glide back up Jim's chest, along his neck, and pauses over Jim's carotid artery. "A quick slice here, Jim, and you'd eventually bleed out. Up here, though," he says as he lets the blade slide up to Jim's cheek, "I could just disfigure you, instead."

"Bones," Jim murmurs back. Bones finally looks at Jim and sees the way that he's watching Bones's face rather than the scalpel.

"You like that, Jim? Like the idea of me slicing into your skin?" Bones makes his voice rougher, meaner, as he slides the scalpel across Jim's lips and up his other cheek. "Want me to?"

"Want you to touch me," Jim responds and bucks up lightly, rubbing their groins together. Surprised, Bones notes that Jim's half-hard.

"I can do that." Bones slides the scalpel back down, skimming over a nipple and then across Jim's belly button before bringing it up along his cock.

Jim shudders and arches into the touch. Bones isn't done, though, not yet. So far, it's been too intimate and far from what Jim had actually experienced. Instead of following the blade with his hands or his tongue, Bones slides off of Jim and binds his feet. Jim freezes in place as Bones stands to the side and then orders the lights off.

Before he can say anything to alleviate Jim's fears, he walks out of the room and pauses to gather himself. Bones can feel his palm sweat as he tries to still the shaking in his hand. If he's this terrified, he can't even begin to imagine how Jim's feeling. He can do this. More, Jim's asked him to do this. Steps steady and rapid, he stalks back into the room until he bumps the side of the bed.

"Trust me," he whispers and then, before he can think of any of a thousand reasons why he shouldn't do this, he presses the capped blade against Jim's chest.

Jim doesn't make a sound other than a panicked inhalation of air. Bones doesn't wait for the inhalation to finish before traces up Jim's chest and then presses the blade into Jim's sternum once more. Leaning over, he laps at Jim's skin and then continues to follow the path of the blade with his tongue. Jim shakes on the bed, trembling so much that Bones just wants to stop, give him a minute to recover and then, maybe, end this. Except that's not what Jim wants or needs. They both need this, the trust that Jim's giving him right now, to survive together.

"You don't know what this is doing to me, to see the way that you're trusting me after all you've been through," Bones murmurs against Jim's skin. "It'd be so easy to take the cap off and use the blade on you just like they did but you trust me not to, don't you?"

"I do, I do," Jim says as he arches into Bones's touch rather than away from it as Bones had expected.

"I didn't think I could love you more," Bones says, the words falling off his tongue so much easier than any other time, "but I do."

Bones traces the blade down Jim's chest and across his stomach once more to rest the blade in a close approximation of where Jim's vein pops closest to the surface near his groin. He orders the lights on dim, just like he remembers from that cell, and then says, "I could slice right here and you'd bleed out in a matter of moments. Just a few minutes. It humbles me that you know that I won't, though. Do you see them when you see me?"

"No," Jim breathes out as Bones bends and licks near the blade before shifting so he can lick across Jim's cock. Jim moans, shifting his hips to try to get more and Bones transfers the blade to Jim's cock as he licks along it. Jim's half-hard again and Bones grins before sucking the tip into his mouth, shifting so the blade rests against the base of his shaft.

"I want you to remember this, next time you have a nightmare, the way that the blade feels against your skin while I suck you off. You think you can do that?" Bones doesn't wait for Jim's response. Instead, he sucks Jim deep, almost to the back of his throat before sliding off and repeating the gesture, over and over, as Jim fully hardens inside his mouth. His empty hand fumbles for the wrist strap nearest him and releases Jim's wrist.

Jim takes over from there, freeing his other wrist and then pushing them both into Bones's hair, not making a single move for the blade. Jim could easily disarm him, his hand-to-hand skills are laughable at best, but he doesn't. Instead, he urges Bones to take more and take it deeper. Bones moans around Jim's cock, flattening his tongue so he can slide just a bit more into his mouth.

"Bones," Jim moans in response and thrusts up into Bones's mouth. "More, Bones, more."

Bones wants to say "of course" or "always" or "anything". Instead, he just does as Jim asks, sucking more and harder and deeper still. Bones slides his hand with the scalpel between Jim’s legs and presses the blade high against his inner thigh so that it almost presses into his balls while his fingers rub across Jim’s perineum, and then he slightly thrusts a dry finger into Jim’s ass.

Jim screams and comes, spilling into Bones's mouth with little warning. After he swallows, Bones licks Jim's cock clean and then he pulls back, untying Jim's legs and putting the scalpel onto the nightstand. "You all right?"

"God, Bones," Jim moans.

"That good?"

"You didn't come?"

"Wasn't about me," Bones says. "This was about you."

"And you, always about you," Jim says and then gestures for Bones to get into bed. "Stay with me."

"All right," Bones agrees against his better judgment. There's no way that one encounter is going to fix the nightmares, no way that that sort of horror can be fixed with a scalpel and a blowjob.

At least Jim doesn't have a nightmare that night. The peace lasts a few nights before the nightmare rears its ugly head once more. At least this time, Jim calms faster. The next time is quicker still. The time after that is even faster until Jim wakes and reaches for Bones, wrapping himself around Bones and clinging before falling back to sleep.

It takes months before the nightmares fade to a point that Bones ceases to keep track of the time it takes Jim to calm.

As always, I'd love to hear what you thought.

Comments

[sangueuk.livejournal.com]

Wow - that was quite a journey and you were seriously brave to tackle this theme. It worked really well! Funny this week how I've read about these guys playing Monopoly and it was hot, now this and it was hot.

The secret is, keep the love there and you did. Plus, McCoy's tone was entirely right throughout - Bloody well done!

[inell.livejournal.com]

Oh, honey. This was just so beautiful and emotional and gah! *cuddles them*

[shadowclub.livejournal.com]

This was amazing. I don't think I have more words than that.

[beeteedub.livejournal.com]

So hot, and not just the sex, but how much trust they have for each other. It's just mind-boggling, and it's one of my favorite aspects of this pairing.

Really enjoyed this! :D

[rubynye.livejournal.com]

Right here:
"I didn't think I could love you more," Bones says, the words falling off his tongue so much easier than any other time, "but I do."

I had to up the resolution of the window because my eyes were so full of tears I couldn't see.

And oh, beautiful as this scene was, I'm so glad you made sure to say it wasn't a magic fixit either. But it was the watershed start of healing, and absolutely gorgeously done.

[thalassa-ipx.livejournal.com]

Awwwwwww Bones you are just sweet that way.
This was so intense and I shouldn't be reading this at work because now I'm a pile of goo and won't be able to finish my work, but it was so worth it.
I just love this fragile Jim Kirk.

[sevedra.livejournal.com]

that was very impressive. i read the first story a while back and i remember worrying about how Jim and Bones would work through that. the fear that jim would feel around Bones because of the aliens using his visage. this was an excellent way for them to excise that ghost. i really enjoyed it.

[syredronning.livejournal.com]

Intense! I feel with them during all of it.

And I like it that it's nevertheless not THE easy solution, not the instant fix. Thank you!

[shygryf.livejournal.com]

*sighs*

awesome. <3 it! and you!

the inherent trust and bondage and mmmmm!

[the-dala.livejournal.com]

Oh, very nice. There's such a depth of caring and trust in this - lovely.

[blcwriter.livejournal.com]

Holy crap. So very well done, so poignant and painful and tender and hot.

[secretsolitaire.livejournal.com]

*shivers* Amazing. I'm so glad you followed up on that scene in the other fic, which has really stayed with me. Jim's bravery and trust in this take my breath away.

[kilala10.livejournal.com]

This was nice :) I don't read many knife play fics, but it was a good read <3 Bones is awesome.

[liu-xing.livejournal.com]

Monopoly? Have you the link? Sounds very amusing :D

[sangueuk.livejournal.com]

Here you go - Rulebreaker - you won’t be surprised that it’s by the wonderful inell.

It's never stated it's Monopoly but it so is!

[wook77.livejournal.com]

I'm very glad that you enjoyed. Knifeplay is definitely not a regular kink for me but I wanted to see how they'd be able to work through the previous issues and this seemed the best way.

I appreciate your comments! Thanks so much for letting me know what you thought!

[wook77.livejournal.com]

I'm very glad you enjoyed! Thanks so much for letting me know :D

[wook77.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much! I'm very glad that you enjoyed this. It was definitely interesting to write as knifeplay isn't a traditional kink for me. I appreciate your comments!

[wook77.livejournal.com]

I'm very glad that you commented on the trust factor, particularly. It's definitely something that's there in their relationship and I wanted to convey that so :D:D:D:D on that, especially.

I appreciate your comments!

[liu-xing.livejournal.com]

Thanks :D :D!

[graceandfire.livejournal.com]

This was amazingly, beautifully written like everything you do. And the characterizations feel so perfect. Of course Jim would try to deny, deny, deny and paste a bright smile on and it would carve Leonard's heart into slices. And Leonard's tension and worry and determination to do this for Jim. Beautiful.

[wook77.livejournal.com]

Oh my. I'm so beyond humbled that this ficlet got an emotional response from you!

I'm also honored that you pointed out the start of the healing but that it didn't fix things because, much as I might like things to be different, it takes time to heal things, especially things of this nature. So I'm chuffed that you pointed that out!

I appreciate your comments. Thanks so much for letting me know what you thought!

[wook77.livejournal.com]

He really is a special guy. I'm so glad that we got that scene in the hangar bay to really show what sort of friendship these two have (and so we can build on it just the way that fandom always does).

I'm very glad that you enjoyed and I hope that I didn't impede productivity too much. <3

[wook77.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much! It took me since writing the last one to screw up the courage to write knifeplay as I'm not a fan of it most times, myself.

I'm so glad that you found that it worked and you enjoyed it! You've made my day!

[wook77.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much! I'm not a fan of the "healing cock" fics so I'm extremely honored that you enjoyed that part, especially. It's a start though I'm sure it had to be repeated a few times. The pair of them are <3.


<3 thanks so much for letting me know what you thought. You're awesome!

[wook77.livejournal.com]

You!

<3xabillion

I'm very glad you enjoyed!

[wook77.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much! I'm very glad that you enjoyed! The trust between them is definitely something that I enjoy every time :D

[wook77.livejournal.com]

<3 I'm very glad that you enjoyed. They're such amazing guys that I just had to fix the mess I'd left them in.

I appreciate your kind words!

[wook77.livejournal.com]

Oh my. It has? Really? *is chuffed* I've wanted to fix it since I'd written it but I definitely thought that it required this sort of fix and I'm really not into knifeplay so it took me awhile to screw up the courage to write it.

I'm glad that you enjoyed. <3xabillion. You never fail to brighten my day.

[wook77.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that you enjoyed. I don't read many either as it's not a kink of mine most times. But I had to fix what I'd left and this is the way that my brain insisted it had to be.

I appreciate your kind words. Thanks so much for letting me know what you thought.

[wook77.livejournal.com]

Oh wow. Thanks ever so much. I'm honored that you thought so.

Your comment has just brightened up my outlook so much right now that you have no idea so thank you so so so much for such kind words. I truly needed them.

[marciadanielle.livejournal.com]

Ohhh, the ending was so beautiful. I loved it!!

[mijan.livejournal.com]

I love fics that deal with phobias and such. This one was delightful. :)

[thistlerose.livejournal.com]

Whoa. I don't ordinarily read about knifeplay, but... appropriately enough, I trust you! *g* This was beautifully written and intense. I love that the problem wasn't solved right away, that trust and patience and not just sex were required. *sigh*

[cathybites.livejournal.com]

oh wow, this was just *intense*. I love how you did the knifeplay, and I love how *strong* the emotions in this fic are. Gorgeous work.

[crackemod.livejournal.com]

Greetings! This fic has been recced at crackenterprise here (http://community.livejournal.com/crackenterprise/17773.html).

[oberstein.livejournal.com]

This was wonderfully fluffy for a knifeplay fic. I mean that as a compliment. Broccoli!Bones <3

[wook77.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much. Very glad that you enjoyed, especially the ending as I wanted to convey the healing that would, eventually, happen!

I appreciate your comments!

[wook77.livejournal.com]

Thanks! <3 I'm very glad you enjoyed!

[wook77.livejournal.com]

Neither do I, tbh. I'm so NOT a fan of it but I wanted to play around in this verse a bit more and I couldn't think of another way to "fix" the problems.

Trust and patience should always be the solution. I'm so glad that you enjoyed this! <3

[wook77.livejournal.com]

I'm very glad you enjoyed! I appreciate that you let me know :D

[wook77.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much! I'm very glad that you enjoyed and I thank you for the kind rec, as well!

Knifeplay is definitely not a normal kink for me so I'm doubly glad that you enjoyed that, especially.

[wook77.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much!

[wook77.livejournal.com]

Hee! I totally take that as a compliment. I'm not a normal fan of knifeplay as I'm sort of phobic over blood so I'm quite happy and gleeful with the "fluffy" knifeplay comment.

I appreciate your kind words. Thanks so much for letting me know what you thought.

[mijan.livejournal.com]

Oh absolutely! I love reading phobia fics, I love writing them, I just love them because they absolutely lay a character BARE. Digging into a character, ripping his psychology wide open... I think that's actually better than sex in a fic. There's no better fuck than a mindfuck, especially when you're mindfucking a character you love. I wrote and read them in the HP fandom, and I'm delighted that I found yours to read here. I'm actually writing one, too. They're a secret addiction of mine, and sadly not common enough. Have you encountered any others in Star Trek?

[rivers-bend.livejournal.com]

I was fascinated to see where you were going to go with this after what had happened to Jim, and I wasn't disappointed. Intense!

[wook77.livejournal.com]

I'm very glad that you enjoyed! They're sort of fucked up in this world and I couldn't really think of a way to "fix" it without having Bones reenact the torture, to a point. Thus, I really had to push through my own squick of blood and figure it out without it.

Anyway - ramble aside, I'm glad you enjoyed and I appreciate you letting me know.

[dizilla.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it took me this long to read this, but I'm glad I finally did! =D Guh, that was a bit heartbreaking and hot and just lovely all around! I really love it when we can see a lengthy aftermath of Jim being tortured. Nicely done!