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From a press release from the Humane Society of the United States, February 14th is the start of a very important courtship ritual and it's not for humans.
While humans are courting on February 14, amorous male skunks are busy playing the dating game as well. February through March is mating season for striped, hog–nosed, and hooded skunks, and that translates into “skunk smell.” According to The Humane Society of the United States, the stink occurs when males try to court females who may not be in "the mood." When that happens, female skunks generate an aroma to repel their rejected suitors. Fortunately, skunk romance only lasts a short time.
It's nice to know that Valentine's Day stinks figuratively and literally.
Speaking of stinky, I promised I'd post this for a friend.
Some background - When I was in middle school, we had to join a club. Basically, all the clubs were athletic or nerdy. I hated them all. The first year, the cross country (um, huge running group for those not familiar) coach, signed me up for the cross country club because my brother was state champion or really really good (I don't remember what year my brother went to states or any of that). Boy was the coach shocked when he realised that I don't run unless chased by some monstrous thing. He thought I was kidding during the first semester so he signed me up for the second semester. After that, he realised that there was no way I was running.
The next year, I chose the writing club because at least I could goof off and not do much for that hour three times a week. It also didn't involve exercise which was quite a bonus.
Every semester, we'd have to write a book and it could be any length. I wrote about 50-100k every semester for two years. When I was 12, I wrote "Dragon Killer, Peace Bringer". I shamelessly stole the world from Forgotten Realms. It is complete and total Mary Sue what with the purple eyes and amazing weapons prowess. I've included commentary from me on its merits. I've also posted a graphic of the cover of my "novel".
It's total Mary-Sue. The main girl is, as I described her "the last daughter of a lost tribe". Her name is Lurean of Talkinton (oooh, how elvish and risque can I get?). Basically, I stole the setting for the story from the Forgotten Realms books (OMG how much do I still love these books?).
The opening -
Dusk falls on the small, indescript village, blotting it from the sight of all who glance its way. All are safe in their warm beds, that is except for a winter maid [*sporfle*]. She sleeps fretfully in tehs now, groveling under the thin cover of a small blanket. The maid seems to have long straight blond hair, piercing purple eyes [*sporfle*] and is frail and weak looking. But everything is not what it seems concerning this lovely elfin creature. She is the warrior, Lurean of Talkinton. Everything is quiet on this small plain. [What the fuck? we were in a village and now we're on a plain. Way to have plot continuity in one paragraph, young!wook]
blahblahblah, I ramble for page about bullshit and then a dragon comes out of nowhere and I put in a footnote. Yes, I had footnotes.
I take this break to tell you a couple of tidbits of information on dragons. Metallic dragons (gold, silver, bronze, etc.) are friendly dragons and only attack when their young are threatened. These dragons are the smaller dragons, ranging only, about, 10 to 100 ft. Most people don't realize the fact that not all dragons you read about are firebreathing clawing, biting beasts 300 feet long. Only the other dragons (red, blue, green, etc.) are the animals I just mentioned. This classification of dragons attack mostly without cause. Not everything you hear about dragons is true.
Um, could I get any more stupid and patronising? Seriously?
Ramble ramble ramble... enter the love interest! Well, kinda. I had to have a dream sequence and then I wrote the same scene only real this time! My 12 year old self was good at padding the word count.
One night as she lay dreaming, she dreamed of the city of Jaklen [random sidenote - I had such an obsession with the name Jacqueline and Jackie when I was a little girl. Hence the name of the city] She briskly walked into the inn in her human hat and went to a handsome man with a golden mustache and twinkling blue eyes. [What the fuck with the mustache? I hate mustaches with a passion. I guess I didn't always hate them] He had fair hair [I want it known that Orlando Bloom hadn't even DREAMED of playing Legolas at this moment in time.] that was long and straight. He was sitting in the far back corner, gambling. He was winning steadily and gaining a lot of gold on his side of the table.
and it only gets worse. When the heroine and her supporting cast get outfitted for their gear, not only am I overly verbose, but I get patronising again! Though, this time, it's a dragon speaking and so maybe dragons are allowed to be patronising?
"We are reaching the caves. They are to the right of you. As you can see, most of my people are quite small. These caves you see are actually the homes. Aw, good, here are the sacred caves of the elders. I see that the others have been brought in already to see you. You will be fitted for armor and horses first, since you are the leaders. The others shall come after you in the order we picked them. Perhaps you want to know their names? Harliem of Brighten is a fighter, he will be your bodyguard on this journey. Then there's the thief Greatlore, or so he begs to be called, we know not his real name. The magic user, Karlin of Tannisberry, hails great magic and is quite good with a bo stick. And then there are you two who are to become the leaders of this raggle taggle band of the greatest of their professions. Lurean will be over all leader. Jonathun, you, too, must listen to her."
Words cannot express my dismay with that paragraph from hell.
Then comes the evil magician who slayed Lurean's family *dundundun!!!!!* He, too, is overly verbose and loves to posture and speak with large flourishing gestures. But, Lurean strikes back and shows her darker side.
"Enough of this fool's talk. I tire of throwing threats around. I will kill you quickly. You will feel no pain." He started muttering unintelligible words, gesturing here or there to make his spell work. WHile casting the spell that would finish off Greatlore's friends, Greatlore struck at the open back of the mage. He didn't aim to kill, Greatlore decided that he would let Lurean kill the evil wretch off. Once hit, Kalli could not stand or speak. He could only writhe on the floor like a snake watching his death. Lurean paced around the moving body of the man she had sought for eight long years.
"This is for my father," she said slowly as she cut an inch on his neck. "This is for my mother," she repeated in the same chanting tone. She then cut a longer strip on his arm. The others, except Jonathun, left the room. Jonathun watched as his companion slowly killed the man that had tortured her for so long. She repeated names of fmaily and friends until Kalli the Mage lived no more, his mouth still open in a silent scream of agony.
Even then, I liked a bit of violence in my fic. Lurean goes out to the rest of the group. Emo emo emo... blahblahblah...the end.
But wait! No story is complete without an epilogue. This one is just as silly as the rest of the story.
Years passed as the Bringers of Harmony and Peace stayed together and defended each other until the bitter end. They didn't get a castle somewhere together, but chose to return to the land of birth to Lurean and Jonathun. They traveled from place to place, never living in one spot. Lurea sought to find a tribe that all the friends could live with peaceably. Not finding that tribe, they became restless nomads. Whitefish of Sundabar couldn't live this harsh life they had all chosen, he died three years after they had won their battle against Kalli. The halfling lived in mourning over his best friend until his merciful demise one year after Whitefish. [Proof that I was a slasher at 12 - Whitefish and the halfling were totally hot for one another *nods*] Lurean and Jonathun married. As did their friends Karlin and Harliem. The two couples had many children and remained the best of friends. The four died all at the same time, leaving their children to carry on their great story. And the story survives today. I should know, she is one of my ancestors. They lived so very long ago.
This story is long and hard to tell but I have told you it, now pass the tale along. I leave you to dwell on it.
Brain. Splodey. Cannot. Function.
While humans are courting on February 14, amorous male skunks are busy playing the dating game as well. February through March is mating season for striped, hog–nosed, and hooded skunks, and that translates into “skunk smell.” According to The Humane Society of the United States, the stink occurs when males try to court females who may not be in "the mood." When that happens, female skunks generate an aroma to repel their rejected suitors. Fortunately, skunk romance only lasts a short time.
It's nice to know that Valentine's Day stinks figuratively and literally.
Speaking of stinky, I promised I'd post this for a friend.
Some background - When I was in middle school, we had to join a club. Basically, all the clubs were athletic or nerdy. I hated them all. The first year, the cross country (um, huge running group for those not familiar) coach, signed me up for the cross country club because my brother was state champion or really really good (I don't remember what year my brother went to states or any of that). Boy was the coach shocked when he realised that I don't run unless chased by some monstrous thing. He thought I was kidding during the first semester so he signed me up for the second semester. After that, he realised that there was no way I was running.
The next year, I chose the writing club because at least I could goof off and not do much for that hour three times a week. It also didn't involve exercise which was quite a bonus.
Every semester, we'd have to write a book and it could be any length. I wrote about 50-100k every semester for two years. When I was 12, I wrote "Dragon Killer, Peace Bringer". I shamelessly stole the world from Forgotten Realms. It is complete and total Mary Sue what with the purple eyes and amazing weapons prowess. I've included commentary from me on its merits. I've also posted a graphic of the cover of my "novel".
It's total Mary-Sue. The main girl is, as I described her "the last daughter of a lost tribe". Her name is Lurean of Talkinton (oooh, how elvish and risque can I get?). Basically, I stole the setting for the story from the Forgotten Realms books (OMG how much do I still love these books?).
The opening -
Dusk falls on the small, indescript village, blotting it from the sight of all who glance its way. All are safe in their warm beds, that is except for a winter maid [*sporfle*]. She sleeps fretfully in tehs now, groveling under the thin cover of a small blanket. The maid seems to have long straight blond hair, piercing purple eyes [*sporfle*] and is frail and weak looking. But everything is not what it seems concerning this lovely elfin creature. She is the warrior, Lurean of Talkinton. Everything is quiet on this small plain. [What the fuck? we were in a village and now we're on a plain. Way to have plot continuity in one paragraph, young!wook]
blahblahblah, I ramble for page about bullshit and then a dragon comes out of nowhere and I put in a footnote. Yes, I had footnotes.
I take this break to tell you a couple of tidbits of information on dragons. Metallic dragons (gold, silver, bronze, etc.) are friendly dragons and only attack when their young are threatened. These dragons are the smaller dragons, ranging only, about, 10 to 100 ft. Most people don't realize the fact that not all dragons you read about are firebreathing clawing, biting beasts 300 feet long. Only the other dragons (red, blue, green, etc.) are the animals I just mentioned. This classification of dragons attack mostly without cause. Not everything you hear about dragons is true.
Um, could I get any more stupid and patronising? Seriously?
Ramble ramble ramble... enter the love interest! Well, kinda. I had to have a dream sequence and then I wrote the same scene only real this time! My 12 year old self was good at padding the word count.
One night as she lay dreaming, she dreamed of the city of Jaklen [random sidenote - I had such an obsession with the name Jacqueline and Jackie when I was a little girl. Hence the name of the city] She briskly walked into the inn in her human hat and went to a handsome man with a golden mustache and twinkling blue eyes. [What the fuck with the mustache? I hate mustaches with a passion. I guess I didn't always hate them] He had fair hair [I want it known that Orlando Bloom hadn't even DREAMED of playing Legolas at this moment in time.] that was long and straight. He was sitting in the far back corner, gambling. He was winning steadily and gaining a lot of gold on his side of the table.
and it only gets worse. When the heroine and her supporting cast get outfitted for their gear, not only am I overly verbose, but I get patronising again! Though, this time, it's a dragon speaking and so maybe dragons are allowed to be patronising?
"We are reaching the caves. They are to the right of you. As you can see, most of my people are quite small. These caves you see are actually the homes. Aw, good, here are the sacred caves of the elders. I see that the others have been brought in already to see you. You will be fitted for armor and horses first, since you are the leaders. The others shall come after you in the order we picked them. Perhaps you want to know their names? Harliem of Brighten is a fighter, he will be your bodyguard on this journey. Then there's the thief Greatlore, or so he begs to be called, we know not his real name. The magic user, Karlin of Tannisberry, hails great magic and is quite good with a bo stick. And then there are you two who are to become the leaders of this raggle taggle band of the greatest of their professions. Lurean will be over all leader. Jonathun, you, too, must listen to her."
Words cannot express my dismay with that paragraph from hell.
Then comes the evil magician who slayed Lurean's family *dundundun!!!!!* He, too, is overly verbose and loves to posture and speak with large flourishing gestures. But, Lurean strikes back and shows her darker side.
"Enough of this fool's talk. I tire of throwing threats around. I will kill you quickly. You will feel no pain." He started muttering unintelligible words, gesturing here or there to make his spell work. WHile casting the spell that would finish off Greatlore's friends, Greatlore struck at the open back of the mage. He didn't aim to kill, Greatlore decided that he would let Lurean kill the evil wretch off. Once hit, Kalli could not stand or speak. He could only writhe on the floor like a snake watching his death. Lurean paced around the moving body of the man she had sought for eight long years.
"This is for my father," she said slowly as she cut an inch on his neck. "This is for my mother," she repeated in the same chanting tone. She then cut a longer strip on his arm. The others, except Jonathun, left the room. Jonathun watched as his companion slowly killed the man that had tortured her for so long. She repeated names of fmaily and friends until Kalli the Mage lived no more, his mouth still open in a silent scream of agony.
Even then, I liked a bit of violence in my fic. Lurean goes out to the rest of the group. Emo emo emo... blahblahblah...the end.
But wait! No story is complete without an epilogue. This one is just as silly as the rest of the story.
Years passed as the Bringers of Harmony and Peace stayed together and defended each other until the bitter end. They didn't get a castle somewhere together, but chose to return to the land of birth to Lurean and Jonathun. They traveled from place to place, never living in one spot. Lurea sought to find a tribe that all the friends could live with peaceably. Not finding that tribe, they became restless nomads. Whitefish of Sundabar couldn't live this harsh life they had all chosen, he died three years after they had won their battle against Kalli. The halfling lived in mourning over his best friend until his merciful demise one year after Whitefish. [Proof that I was a slasher at 12 - Whitefish and the halfling were totally hot for one another *nods*] Lurean and Jonathun married. As did their friends Karlin and Harliem. The two couples had many children and remained the best of friends. The four died all at the same time, leaving their children to carry on their great story. And the story survives today. I should know, she is one of my ancestors. They lived so very long ago.
This story is long and hard to tell but I have told you it, now pass the tale along. I leave you to dwell on it.
Brain. Splodey. Cannot. Function.
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And woe, fair Whitefish! You will be missed.
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I know, poor Whitefish! Poor halfling that was stuck for a year without his love! *woe*
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I didn't want my poor Elven Magic User/Thief/Fighter to die, darnit!
I have others that I might post every once in awhile just cause it's fun to look back and cringe.
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I have another 5 of them. I've kept them all and carried them through each of my gadzillion moves. They stay on my bookshelves and I'm honestly quite proud of them even if I cringe at them now.
and oooooohhh, please please please dig up that story! I want to read it!
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i would totally let you read it, but there are two slight problems: a) the notebook is in germany, and b) the story is in german :). my story also had a very heroic female character in the leading role, though!
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very cute though!
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When I was little, I wrote an awesome fantasy book, but then I ripped it.. and I never could forgive myself ever since..
And then, inspired by Shakespeare, I wrote a rhyming play, the main characters of which was a deck of cards (four kings, four daughters, etc.) It was.. sad. :D