I don't think I can top your string of lame giftage, but I do have a fun story about a bad gift.
My bother gave me a room deionizer a couple years ago. In case you're unfamiliar with this handy little device (and lord help you if you aren't), allow me to explain.
A room deionizer comes in a box that is the size and shape of a brick but approximately twice the weight. Inside this box are instructions in a bad translation from Japanese (“place contraption in water placid”) and several meters of cord attached to an inexplicably heavy metal object that resembles a yoyo with a handle. The instructions imply that you should plug this into your wall socket and then dump the unit into a bucket of water.
I have occasionally wondered if my brother was really trying to kill me with this gift. Only an idiot would follow these instructions.
Of course, my brother and I are in fact idiots. We didn’t die, or even get severely electrocuted. Amazingly, the gizmo worked. Well, that is if “deionize” actually means “get everything wet”. It emitted large clouds of cold, wet smoke. It was similar to dry-ice smoke, only very, very wet. My room was damp for days.
On the plus side, if you put a finger in the bucket of water you'd get a small electric shock.
No, I'm not sure how that's the plus side.