Sporking

Oct. 10th, 2010 10:08 pm
wook77: (FAIL BOAT)
You ever read a book and think, "this shit is so bad that I have to share it with the world"?

Below, is a c/p of a sex scene in a book called Bareback Mountain by Frank Sol. It is, hands down, the worst sex scene I have ever read. I laughed so hard I started choking. I scared my dogs as my laughter echoed off the walls of my room.

armpit licking, man-juice, gobbling, uncut prime piece of meat and when no means yes, all for the opportunity to slurp everything out of a fleshy tube )

I'm suddenly feeling a lot better about my own writing...

ETA:
"Poke, poke, poke," Clint said. "Oh, I just love poking things. Poke, poke, poke, WHAM!" and Clint shoved his hard dick up Jesse's ass.


DYING

omgwtf

Nov. 18th, 2009 11:23 pm
wook77: (know what I hate?)
I had one crazykakes old man come in tonight to Fry's. And I lost my temper at him. And he complained to management about me.

See, the conversation started out normal. As with most of the older folks in my area, they always ask what a nice, college educated young woman like me is doing working at a grocery store. So I told this guy the same as I always tell people, I'm working to pay off a mortgage and bills but I'm starting back to school to be a lawyer. Well, oops on that part because he launches into a diatribe about how I shouldn't go into criminal law because it's all "browns and blacks" down here but do you know who makes the best lawyers? The Jews cause they're all liars and you have to be a good liar to be a good lawyer. moar racism and bigotry and my shitty response. Under a cut to spare you if you'd rather not be exposed to anything further. )
wook77: (VTF?)

My team won gold! SWEET!

Title: Tombstone, the Town Too Tough To Die
Author: [livejournal.com profile] wook77
Team: Snitch!
Genre(s): EWE
Prompt(s): Hunger or Alchemy, Go West
Rating PG-13
Warnings/Kinks:
Word Count: ~2790
Summary: Some of the things you find in Tombstone – copper, cowboys, rattlesnakes, sunshine, wooden sidewalks, gunfights, and one Severus Snape (the man too tough to die).
Author Notes/Disclaimers/Betas May thanks to [livejournal.com profile] djin7 for encouraging this and hosting the [livejournal.com profile] snarry_games. Also, many thanks to [livejournal.com profile] raewhit for beta'ing my work. Obviously, all mistakes are my own. I appreciate the opportunity to participate! I must admit that this was partially inspired by [livejournal.com profile] anathema91's recent visit with me to Tombstone. She now has Snarry Cooties on her.

Tombstone, the Town Too Tough to Die )
wook77: (star trek: Sanity is relative)
Other people are responding in a much more sane and logical manner to SEE and its crazy ass attempt to mask their quest to get their ship in canon by using the Greater Good of Gay Rights BBs than I ever could. I can't really think of anything other than GTFO. No, really, GTFO.

So instead of ragesplooging, I've decided to respond via crack. I present:

Wook's Totally and Completely Vulcan Logic Proof That Spock/Kirk Will Never Become Canon


It starts with a comparison between the two largest Sci-Fi/Fantasy tv/movie franchises - Buckaroo Bonzai Star Wars and Star Trek. Arguably, both of these have similar themes and morals in them. They both feature a quest of good versus evil, of addressing species dynamic and the subjugation of people and how bad it is. Plus, they both have some badass space ships that defy physics as we currently know them.

Thus, the logical basis of the proof is now established. Therefore, let us move on to the proof and the entire point of this discussion - the characters.

First, we have the farm boy who drives fast things, stares dramatically into sunset(s), has major daddy issues, lives with possibly-abusive father-figures, dreams of going into space and meets ship captains that make it happen. Thus, Jim Kirk=Luke Skywalker. come on, it's totally abusive not to let Luke go into Toshi Station and pick up some "power converters". A young man has needs, after all!

Then, we have the crotchety older man that becomes a sort-of quasi guide to the farm boy. This man is snarky, hot, slick, and, rescues the farm boy multiple times, and bitches about doing the right thing a lot but, eventually, does it all while looking really fucking hot and badass. Thus, Leonard McCoy=Han Solo.

Thirdly, we have the poor soul who loses a planet and has to witness the genocide of their people all because of an evil megalomaniac that has a giant chip on their shoulder and a big fucking machine to ensure that said genocide happens (and did I mention the part where they're held captive by said genocidal and evil megalomaniac?). Thus, Spock=Leia Organa.

Once we look at these three comparisons, you can see that Kirk/Spock cannot happen on the big screen and will be left in fanfiction because Kirk/Spock is extrapolated incest. They might kiss but the kiss will be purely platonic and will only exist to further the only truly acceptable homosexual pairing. That leaves us with Kirk/McCoy for the only viable homosexual pairing.

Also, because I'm full of it tonight and had nothing else to do, I've extrapolated more characters. Brace yourself.

Sulu, Chekov, Keenser, Scotty, Uhura, and Pike )

Anyone else want to offer up a few?
wook77: (ANGRY)

Dear California,

Fuck you.

No love,
wook

wook77: (FAIL BOAT)
In less photo meme news - work is kicking my ass. We're implementing five new large projects by August 1st. I'm spearheading all of them. For the next week and a half - I will be conducting training sessions on a timekeeping software system that I'm only half trained on meself. I had to be at work at 7am this morning and have to be back at 7am tomorrow. The nap, however, totally fucked over my sleep schedule. I'm also rolling out a new office supply inventory system (JIT FTW!), new merchant service ageements, our annual audit and redoing how we handle billing of customers (as we didn't have billable customers a year ago). GAH. Too much to do and not enough time in the day to do it.

Add in that, honestly, I was tired and annoyed at work so when I got a call from a friend, I leapt at the opportunity to go to happy hour with her. Prickly Pear Margaritas (of which, I forgot to take a photo) FTMFW. They were so nummeh. I got my friend trashed, we bashed dating/marriage (she's starting the divorce process due to some wtfery on her "husband"'s part) and it was all good. I poured her into her house with her mum and headed home where I promptly fell asleep in the middle of a chat. Proof positive that I am OTP with someone.

Psuedo-Random observation: Rabid shippers in any fandom really scare the crap out of me. I don't get how a character flaw is proof of twu wuv in one ship while proof positive that there cannot be love in another ship. Dude. That character will act as that character as that character unless something really major happens. IE - Harry is not going to change how he reacts to things whether he is with Hermione, Ginny, Snape or Draco. He is still going to have his chest monster. Isn't that part of why we love him? (and no, this isn't about HP shipping wars)

Also - sort of along that line - I think killing off a character to solve a love triangle is the height of lazy and sloppy writing. That was my complaint in the *Uglies Series by Scott Westerfield* (Highlight to read as it contains spoilers) and that's my complaint if it happens in a tv show. It's like writers think that if a person chooses one love interest over another, they'll show that person to actually be *gasp* human. Or it's cowardice because the writer doesn't want to piss off the rabid shippers of whatever ship it is.

I'm still in love with this icon.
wook77: (Diet Coke)
I've been collecting links to share for like 3 weeks now so here goes:

The List of Fail:

Dear Orlando -

You win! You're the fail of the post! FAIL that words cannot describe. In what world does it make sense to criminalize people feeding other people. Oh wait, but if we criminalize feeding the homeless, they'll go away. Yeah, cause it worked so well in the 80s. In conclusion, triple fail.

No love, me

Army Colonel Cheats on Wife, Fakes Paternity Test Oh fuck off, you twunt. Suck it up, accept responsibility and move the fuck on. Also - if you were any sort of smart, you wouldn't be in Carlisle, Pennsylvania. (Disclaimer: I was born there. I'm smart, I left.)

Truth behind puppies at pet stores (Video by the Humane Society of the United States). Then again, who really needs to see the parents of the animal anyway? Also - I've had this discussion before, please note the large amount of Amish people at these things (and using microphones!). The Amish are some of the worst offenders when it comes to puppy mills. Oh but that puppy's so cute, I must have it! MY puppy doesn't come from a puppy mill, it's all the other pet stores that do it.

Way to go, RIAA - With PR like this, who needs album advertising?

Senior citizens who happen to be gay get shunted off with the insane because they're offensive - huh. Assholes. Plenty of stories in the NYT article which I cannot direct link to.

What sort of world do we live in that A bullet-proof hoodie is needed?

And people wonder why I don't like riding in hot air balloons or ferris wheels. Because you can fall out and die.

Larger List of Win:

7 year old climbs into a toy machine. HEEEEE

Instructions on how to create your own ringtones for your cellphones SCORE!

Campaign to have Peter Jackson direct Deathly Hallows He has to be able to do a better job.

This weekend is International Clean Up Weekend!

Mr Potato Head is a drug smuggler. Yes, kids, it's true. I hope he goes to rehab. It's worked well for Britney and Lindsey, after all.

DUUUUDDDDEEEEE, a 21 Foot Long X-Wing Model that FLIES. Win all around. In fact, Win of the Post.

The Killers cover Joy Division. At first, I was all, no frikken way. I adore Joy Division and I love the Killers but both? But it's serious win. First runner-up of Win.

Me Wants

Small List of Other:

I have a large list of recommendations but best fic I've read in weeks - Combat Rock which is Remus/Sirius and just brilliantly painful and poignant and so amazingly visceral. I am in love with this story. Go read.

I'm watching two tv shows right now: Moonlight (which always makes me want to say Moonlighting but then it'd be Bruce Willis and I might have to gouge my eyes out). It's alright, I'm more watching for the pretty.

And, best show ever. It's like Mel Brooks meets friends - Big Bang Theory. It's nerdy and funny and awesome. In the second episode, the one nerd comes out of his bedroom wielding a green lightsaber to protect himself. They play world of warcraft and omg, it's just fucking awesome. I laughed so hard, I had pop coming out my nose and I fell off the couch. Check it out if you're even semi-sort of geeky because it's seriously just AWESOME.

7 Quirks Meme )

In the past week and a half, I have finished 4 stories and have another 3 to go before I go on vacation (ZOMG TWO WEEKS). smutty_claus, daily_deviant and two lines are all due the beginning of November and I'd rather get them out of the way before vacation and nanowrimo. BTW - if you want to keep up with my nanowrimo writing, you will have to friend [livejournal.com profile] tryntje as nothing will be posted publicly.

Right. Back to writing. Anyone wanna distract me? I don't think [livejournal.com profile] yodels is around with her giant stick of deadlines to smack me.
wook77: (american dumb)
Seamus at [livejournal.com profile] rpg_afterglow is Deanless - anyone interested? Email me? wook77[at]livejournal[dot]com.

[livejournal.com profile] nothing_goldrpg is running smoothly. This is completely and totally due to my co-mod there as I've been utterly useless for over a month. Finally got caught up, though. Thank the maker for responsible co-mods, I don't know where I'd be without her/them. Seriously, just too much love. In other rpg news - I'm really pulling back from how many games I'm participating in. Have been invited to a few but I'm content with [livejournal.com profile] nothing_goldrpg, the post DH that I'm trying to get set up and afterglow, if I can find a dean.

Wanted: Someone reliable to help with coding when rounds open at [livejournal.com profile] slashfest. Time commitment varies but normally the first few hours of the first day of either round (requesting and claiming) plus here and there as needed. Must be responsible and capable of doing what you say you're going to do when you say you're going to do it**. Familiarity with multiple fandoms is a plus. Ability to code definitely needed. Willingness to put up with moi necessary. Passive aggressive people need not apply. If interested, email me at wook77[at]livejournal[dot]com. EEO

Clowns vs the KKK

Cooking with Pavarotti

Touching videos regarding the dogfighting thing. They're really well done but one is fairly graphic so keep that in mind if you view them.

Dead Like Me, The Movie YAYES!!!

Anyone in the DC area during October 24th through November 3rd? Want to get together?

Post office is made of fail. They've lost a Very Important Package and I hate them for it. Fucking idiot bastards.

Have started watching football (soccer), rugby and baseball. IDK what this world has come to. If I start watching american football, someone shoot me and put me out of my misery. Women's World Cup playoffs are awesome, though.

Started working out. Again. This time, maybe I'll stick to it. I know that there are quite a few people on the flist that are doing the same, we should form a support group. *nods* Anyone interested? [livejournal.com profile] fluffy_fangirls seems dead so maybe a new group or do you think the founders would be willing to be invaded?

Had a rant but can't be pantsed to gather up the "care" anymore. Instead, I just changed a few things around and feel better about it. Amazing how much better you feel when you stop banging your head against a wall. Some things are worth fighting for and others simply aren't. Does realizing this mean I'm growing up? I don't wanna!!!!

**Most Important Thing Evah
wook77: (wank)
I had every intention of writing today. I woke up, did my stuff for the [livejournal.com profile] rpg_prophet early just to start writing and then opened up word. But then I thought, "self? you haven't checked fandom wank in awhile... why not just pop over and see if you've missed any wanks..."

Thus, I have spent 4 hours looking at penis tattoos, horse fuckers and crazy assholes.

No really. Remember the horse fucker from awhile back? (Coincidentally... the last time this came up - I was dogsitting for the same frikken people. I'm worried that the next time I come here to dogsit, it's only going to come up again.) Well, there are now Tattoos and, more disgustingly importantly - PHOTOS OF THE HAPPY COUPLE. Um, omg, he and the and then there's the... and JESUS GOD WHY??????

Somehow, fandom wank's post then goes on about penis tattoos... like This GUY. Can you imagine him raising his arm and you just seeing giant penis? Um, yeah, not sexy. This one would make all excitement disappear. Seriously... I couldn't stop making fun of it during sex and then Puff would wilt, wouldn't it? I think I've read a fanfic with this one. This one is just gross.

All links provided by the peeps at fandom wank and are not my own finds.

I, um, yeah. I think it's worse now that I know what horsefucker looks like.

Right, back to notporn and gen. If I can purge these photos from my memory. Anyone have a scalpel handy?
wook77: (wank)
This followed up by this has to be one of the most WTF?! sort of wanks ever if just because of where it's at.

It's small but it makes me giggle cause I never thought I'd see wank in the cross stitch comm. They're all so nice in there and then BAM! wank.

*goes back to her porn and needlework*
wook77: (Angry)
Dear Mother Nature,

Whatever I did to piss you off, I'm completely and totally sorry. I didn't mean it.

Love,
wook

Dear God,

I'm sorry for taking Your name in vain. I'll probably do it again but it doesn't lessen how sorry I am.

In addition, I promise to start going to church more regularly. Or is it that I actually stepped foot into a church on Saturday that you cast this blight down upon Arizona?

A sign for which one caused snow in Arizona and I'll do the opposite. Promise.

Love ya,
wook

Hell Arizona has frozen over. We're one big blanket of snow and ice. Below the cut is a picspam from last night and this morning. It took me two hours to get in to work because asshat morons down here see a snowflake coming down and freak the fuck out. Then, they closed every bridge. Then, the radio announces the bridges are open and yet, I sat staring at one that was CLOSED for half an hour. Thank God for [livejournal.com profile] ficlette keeping me sane in the car. I only said 'fuck' about ninety times during our phone call.

Actual conversation from this morning with my neighbor (we'll call him 'bob'):

wook: *scrapes ice off windshield using newly found ice scraper (I used a cd case the last ice we had)
bob: Whatcha doing?
wook: scraping ice off my windshield *thinks err, duh?*
bob: whatcha using?
wook: an ice scraper
bob: I've never seen one of those before
wook: *goggles*
bob: well, I've seen 'em hanging up in Pep Boys but never actually seen one being used. Does it work?
wook: um, yep, like a charm.
bob: wow, I'll have to go get me one.
wook: don't bother, you can borrow mine.
bob: how do I use it?
wook: nevermind, I'll do it for you. *scrapes bob's windshield*
bob: wow, that's handy.

My packrat tendencies have now been redeemed. Everyone LAUGHED when I saved this stupid thing. I boxed it up over 3 years ago and just found it last night. My timing is excellent.

proof of the apocolypse...so not dial-up friendly )
wook77: (why?)
So yeah, um, [livejournal.com profile] picfor1000. Last year, it was a blast to write. I received an amazing photograph that immediately got me in the gut and I wrote White.

Um, this year?




Yeah, so, hmmm... this will be fun. Maybe.

*wonders how to make a donkey into a story in one of her fandoms*

*debates donkey in space crack for KOTOR*

OMG

Dec. 30th, 2006 08:33 pm
wook77: (Deamus from AG)
dean thomas bagged my groceries )
wook77: (christmas)
I love the idea of Christmas. As an Almost-a-Nun sort of person, I adore the Christmas story. I love the magi and that Joseph believed Mary when she really could have been stoned for that whole possible pre-marital sex thing. I love the beauty and the wonder of the season. I listen to Christmas carols all year long. I LOVE the idea of Christmas.

I hate the actual implementation. I hate having to be polite over shitty gifts. I hate that I ask for specific things and I don't get them. Every year, I get my hopes up that this year will be different, that my family will read "I'd really like you all to go together for my birthday and Christmas and combine all these gifts into one gift!!! I just want x this year!" as meaning, I just want x and not a bunch of other crap I have no need or use for.

I'm not saying i don't appreciate the thought. It's just that there isn't any thought to the gifts.

For example - Christmas 2003 - I received the Cowlender (a Calendar with cows that have horrible puns in little bubbles coming out of their mouths) for 2003. That's right, one of my gifts, I was able to use for 6 days. At least it wasn't broken. Three of my other gifts that year were broken and were actually purchased that way.

more about horrible gift luck and semi-ranting about this year )

So now that I've shared about my crappy gift luck, what are some of the worst gifts you've ever received? Worst gift wins a prize though I have no idea what that prize will be. Can you top the milk coozie? The tricorn cowprint hat?
wook77: (happy icon)
Dear Arizona:

I moved here not only for the sunshine but for the warm weather. There's a reason that transplants to Arizona are called Snow Birds. We're FLEEING the snow. We left our winter coats in remote far-off possibly snow covered places like Pennsylvania to be able to crow on about how warm we are while the rest of the country freezes under a mantle of white powder (and I'm not talking cocaine).

The fact that I got stuck driving in it yesterday pisses me off and makes me want to sue for false advertising. I don't give a shit that it was rain when it hit the ground. On my windshield, it was still snowflake-shaped.

In conclusion, fuck you, Arizona. Fuck you and your promises of sunny weather and no snow.

No love,
wook

That's right... there were wet drippy and disgusting SNOWFLAKES hitting my windshield yesterday afternoon! GAH!!!!!!!!!!!! *kicks Arizona*

So, since today was supposed to be super cold too, I pulled out a pair of cordoroys I haven't been able to fit into for almost 2 years. I looked at them longingly, almost put them back in the drawer of doom but then decided I should try them on. Not only did I get them closed, they fit comfortably! They're also SIZE 10s!!!!! I haven't fully fit inside of 10s in 2 years!!!! They're also the smallest 10s I own! BWEEEEE!!!!!!!!! Though this makes me kindasorta disappointed in myself for not going to the gym in 2 weeks.

As I haven't squeed over [livejournal.com profile] nothing_goldrpg in like 2 days, let me take this opportunity to *squee*. The play has really picked up and it's sooooooo good. If you're looking for a post-war semi-dark RPG to watch, we've loads of plot twists and turns to watch.

examples and more squeeing and semi-ranting about my favourite rpg evah and then more squeeing )

Thank you to [livejournal.com profile] hill_ for the absolutely amazingly beautiful card! I also got awesome cards from [livejournal.com profile] coffeejunkii, [livejournal.com profile] original_lie and [livejournal.com profile] wendy and a CD and card from [livejournal.com profile] yodels. The awesomeness of that cd can be summed up in one set of initials - NKOTB.

Also - I fail at being a friend because I totally forgot to squee over the Bushisms and Countdown Calendars from [livejournal.com profile] best_of_five and [livejournal.com profile] coffeejunkii. Let me now *SQUEE* over how amazingly awesome and funny and wonderful these things are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (you all get the exclamation points of too much caffeine and excitement)

Advent fics? Um, yeah *shifty look* I'm writing but every idea is well over 1k now and not finished so they're delayed.

I'm sitting here at my desk freezing, by the way.

How are all of you?
wook77: (Republicans for Voldemort)
While googling Lenny Kravitz (cause let's face it, he's hot), I stumbled onto an article that has me chuckling. It's from 2003 so keep that in mind. It's also - Here.

It's called "Stop the Hollywood Left" and is all about how ebil and awful left-leaning people in Hollywood are. At the end of the article are two lists. It's written by a very conservative person. Keep in mind that all people listed are people I like and I'm not mocking any of them except Ric Flair cause he just makes me giggle.

One is a list of "One World Socialists" and "One World Socialist Organisations". These are bad. The list includes: Annie Lennox, Lenny Kravitz, Roseanne Cash, Rosario Dawson, Sally Field, Salma Hayek, Sheryl Crow, Toni Collette, Julia Roberts, Kathleen Turner and the World Health Organisation amongst many others.

The other is a list of "A-O.K. List". These are good. The list includes: Marilyn Manson, Liam Gallagher, Ric Flair, Dennis Hopper, Matthew McConaughey, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Clint Eastwood, David Spade and Trey Parker amongst many others.


So, just to clarify - According to the extreme conservative -

Quiet-Under-the-Radar Annie Lennox=bad, Wiping-his-bum-with-the-flag Marilyn Manson=good.

Hasn't-Made-A-Good-Movie-Since-Not Without My Daughter Sally Field=bad, Wife-And-Stuntmen-Beating Jean-Claude Van Damme=good.

Controlling-Diseases WHO=bad, Creator-of-the-Poop-Thing-in-South-Park Trey Parker=Good.

My brain hurts.
wook77: (Happy Trees)
Random "Hopefully This Only Happens In A Shelter" Story -

I was just up in our Receiving Lobby (where we check in and, err, "receive" animals) and a guy was turning in two beautiful purebred Aussie Shepards.

The one puts his nose up my calf-length skirt so I pull it out and say "not on the first date" cause, err, it makes people laugh and relieves a bit of tension.

Instead of laughing... the guy goes (really seriously), "You might want to reconsider, have you seen his papers?"

Um, ew? I was tempted to say something along the lines of, you haven't seen the list of my squicks for porn exchanges, have you? Bestiality is one of 'em, bub.

But I didn't. Instead, I said, "thanks but he's not my type".
wook77: (why?)
I bought a new box of Midol Menstrual Complete to relieve - cramps, bloating, fatigue, backache and headache.

That's not the WTF moment...

The WTF moment is in the warnings section.

It has the following warnings -

Do not use if you have difficulty in urination due to enlargement of the prostate gland. (um, wtf?!)

Excitability may occur, especially in children. (um, wtf?!)

Why are men and/or children taking something to relieve menstrual cramps?

Also - If pregnant, ask a health professional before use. Do pregnant women get menstrual cramps?




isn't dom the cutest thing in this icon?
wook77: (Just not my day)
How do I spend my day at work?

here it goes...during payroll )
wook77: (Pretending)
I've quite a bit of painting experience, as most of my flist can attest as I've spent the past few weeks bemoaning how much I've had to paint in my house.

In honour of this, I bring you A Slasher's Guide to Painting. There are 27 Tips and Hints total. These tips and hints have been test-run by [livejournal.com profile] ficlette and [livejournal.com profile] wendy for usability.

Disclaimer: [livejournal.com profile] wook77 will not be held responsible for any snorfling, spitting, computer damage, etc. Please remove all beverages from the immediate vicinity. (in other words - this is crack)

Onwards, my remodeling soldiers, Onwards! )

January 2012

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